Remember, heralds don't pun; they cant.
Yes don't forget to take it.
Doctor: "Relax David, It's just a small surgery. Don't panic!!"
Me: "But my name isn't David."
Doctor: "I know, I'm David."
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
Why don’t ants get sick?
They have little anty bodies
(Courtesy of my fellow dad LT)
My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.
Why don't the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?
Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.
Sometimes I use big words I don’t fully understand.
It makes me sound more photosynthesis.
They just don’t taste right!
Why don’t ant colonies ever get sick?
.... because they’re full of anty bodies
Dune tell me you don't like this pun
If you are thinking of settling down, here’s some advice: Don’t date soccer players.
There’s only a 1/11 chance that they’re a keeper.
My wife and I don't want kids
So if anyone does, we can drop them off tomorrow.
79% of people don't know opposite words for the following.
- Always
- Coming
- From
- Take
- Me
- Down
I don't mean to brag, but...
cashiers are always checking me out.
Did you know garbage men don't get any training?
They just pick things up as they go along.
My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me.
...it’s a matter of wife or death.
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.
There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
I don't like my friends either.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I hadn’t used my main in around a year but had a reason to burro back in my post history... I had forgotten about this, and I don’t mean to brag but this is the single greatest post I’ve ever made on reddit.
My wife said, “I don’t understand the science behind human cloning.”
I said, “That makes two of us.”
If you don't laugh, Moooooove along ;)
I don’t really publicize the fact that I’m Thor’s brother.
What rock group has four men that don't sing?
People don’t think the grass be wet in the morning
My buddy keeps asking me to blow cool air on him when he gets hot, and I don’t like it.
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40
40 kids is way too much by any standard
You notice how you don’t ever see rich owls?
They all work for an owly wage
The wife and I have decided we don’t want kids
They’re not taking it very well
Q: Why don’t people starve in the desert?
A: Because you can eat the sand which is there.
If I don't let my son play Call of Duty he screams for hours.
So I let him play and he screams for hours.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
I don't trust stairs.
They're always up to something
Two wrongs don't make a right
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Please don’t resort to violins and anger if you don’t notice.
Don't pee on the seat, or urine trouble.
I don't know what "apathy" is.
And I can't say I'm too bothered to find out.
How do you tell the difference between a boy ant and a girl ant? (SFW don't worry)
Put them in water. If one floats, it's (a) boyant.
Tesla's don't have new car smell.
They have Elon MUSK
- My roomate
Someone once told me than 2 in 10 people don't understand fractions
But someone else said it was 1 in 5. So which is it?
Why does ants don’t bite after they grow taller?
Because they’re tolerant.
If you don’t know what clothes to wear, just ask tommy,
What Rock Group has four men that don't sing?
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