Did you hear about the scarecrow that was made an honorary deputy?

He's constantly preventing murders

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShaggyB
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2018
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Why does the deputy write his reports in arial font when he's alone?

Because he's sans-sheriff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbdekker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
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Three women were on the run from the law (A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead).

Their car breaks down next to a corn field and they decide to run through it as the law is quickly approaching. They stumble upon a barn. Inside they find three burlap sacks and one of them suggests they should each hide inside one. Shortly after, the sherriff and his deputies arrive at the barn. They notice the three sacks. The sheriff kicks the first one containing the brunette and she says "Meow, meow." "Oh it's just a sack of kittens." One of the deputies says. The sherriff kicks the sack where the redhead is hiding and she says "woof, woof." "That's just a sack of puppies" they say. The sherriff kicks the third sack with the blonde inside and she exclaims "Potato, potato."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmd1234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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I finally got rid of my head lice

That problem's outta my hair

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InfinateUniverse
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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In the old Wild West there was a notorious gang of dangerous outlaws, they’d just attacked a town.

The sheriff decided that he needed to stop them so he rounded up his deputies and they rode out in search of the gang.

After a couple of days everyone was tired and hungry so one of the deputies rode up to sheriff and said β€œLook sheriff we are all too tired, why don’t you guys rest up here and I’ll ride 4 miles north and two miles east and see if I can’t find us some grub?, I’ll be back by morning”

The sheriff agrees and off the deputy rides 4 miles north and two miles east.

The next morning the deputy returns with all his packs full of bacon! The sheriff says β€œwhere the hell did you get all that bacon out here in the middle of nowhere!”

Deputy says β€œwell you see sheriff I rode 4 miles north and 2 miles east and I swear to god there’s this bacon tree just sitting there! A tree that is full of bacon!”

β€œBullshit!” Says the sheriff β€œyou stay here I’m going to check this out!”

So off the sheriff rides the same as the deputy did.

The next morning the deputy see’s the sheriff crawling towards the camp with arrows sticking out of his back.

Deputy says to the sheriff β€œ Boss what the hell happened!”

The sheriff looks up from the ground and says β€œBACON TREE, BACON TREE, that wasn’t a damn bacon tree you idiot it was a Hambush!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FleetChief
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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The Joke that caused my dad to be "randomly selected for a drug test" at work.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heythereanny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wysmyster
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2015
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Dad got me at the dinner table.

Mom: Did you hear your cousin is now the Deputy Director of anti guns organization

Dad: How can the deputy be against guns?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/digiexafan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2015
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