What happened to the two criminals who met at the courthouse during their trials and fell deeply in love with each other?

They got encaged

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
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[need for help] Pun experts, share the best pun you know about academia/professors/education/writing for grants. Any help deeply appreciated!

EDIT: We plan to place it on the mug as a gift, so it should be relatively short

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedulas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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Two archaeologists were deeply in love

They went to a site where rumor states a rare dinosaur bone was there

So the man said to his wife.. "I've got a bone to pick, with you~"

(Correction: they are not archaeologists they are paleontologist!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grandpa_Gunmam
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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When the parachute failed I became deeply aware of the gravity of my situation.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gargolito
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2016
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Whenever my wife's on her period, she does this weird thing where she calls me up and just exhales deeply…

It's probably her menstrual sigh call…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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The pyromaniac fell deeply in love with his favorite fire-starting tool.

It was a match made in heaven.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HandCrimped
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
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Justine was 4 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up 6 months later.

First thing, she asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Justine: No, no, no, not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Justine: Ohh, that’s actually not bad. What about the boy?

Doctor: [sighs deeply] Denephew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zu-den-sternen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2021
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The creator of Mad Libs passed away

His friends described him as a round and pulpy man who loved his wife and penguins. He will be deeply pooped.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imnotarobot12764
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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What material are a clown’s breast implants made out of?

SILLYcone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/svenguillotien
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
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How do Right Said Fred like their eggs?

Deeply Dippy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegasketmaker
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Today my wife offered to give me a massage after I came home from work.

I was deeply touched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
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What do you call a person who draws penises?

A graphic designer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ursidechink
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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Why do math teachers love fractional exponents?

Because they are deeply rooted in math.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Martoni
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
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Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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My dad is the king of dad jokes.

My dad and I were moving some furniture for donation out of my grandparents house to get it ready for sale. We were on the last heaviest item which happened to be an old electronic organ when he laid this one on me.

Dad: I will be glad to be rid of this thing.

Me: Me too!

Dad: I've always wanted to be an organ donor.

We both had to set it down and laugh for a good 2 full minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/89reatta
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2014
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Loss of a loved one

I hope this is the right sub.... I'll never forget the day we lost my grandmother. It was a deeply difficult time. But it turns out she had just slipped between the couch cushions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/likeCircle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
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Bunch of junkies in an alley late at night getting their fix...

...one of them is inhaling deeply from a large bag of cement, he was on the hard stuff!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rebut38
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2018
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Regarding the diets of dairy cows.

I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"

That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.

You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.

As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.

I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.

So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.

However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.

What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/estomasi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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My girlfriend is trying to change her sleep schedule.

Her: Changing your sleep routine is really hard. Me: Yeah, I bet it's really deeply embedded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KiiWii2029
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2016
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The ATM

My mom was at the ATM entering her password. Suddenly, a wild dad appeared and said : "hah, your password is so easy to remember. The characters are all X's. "

We all sighed deeply as he laughed uncontrollably, and proceeded our journey in Life ignoring what he just said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eexistencee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2016
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I recently bought a sweater that had some Native American-like designs on it, when my dad saw me wearing it...

Dad: "Son, I think have some reservations about that sweater."

He then began chuckling deeply for a few minutes before I gave in and joined him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Th3Greyhound
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
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My grandfather felt the need to explain us who exactly "Jack Schitt" is and how much we REALLY don't know him.

For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my personal genealogy research efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaeqPiegDeivys
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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A drunk is sitting at a bar...

He looks down and sees his pants are wet.
He goes to the guy on his left, "you do this?" Guy shrugs, "nah". Guy on his right, "you?" "nah" The drunk looks down and shrugs "must be an inside job" After telling the joke he sniffs deeply than exhales in satisfaction. "great joke, got anymore?" "i don't know, they just come to me!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lachavelli
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
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A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

πŸ‘︎ 25k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about the baby.

The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.

Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?

Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.

Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Today my wife offered to give me a full body massage.

I was deeply touched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
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Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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