My 7 yo son's contribution: What has three eyes and can't see? (to be fair i's)

Mississippi

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hitormiss43
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Newbie Contribution

Hello, I just joined this subreddit, here is my contribution:

What did the pirate crew name their crewmate who had a ton of back hair?

Captain Backbeard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/silverdoe_94
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.

He said it was his pleasure.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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The inventor of the elastic waistband has finally been recognized for his contribution to humanity.

He was awarded the No-Belt Prize

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theikos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2018
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Every day at work I write something silly on the dry erase paint 'whiteboard' by my desk and this is today's contribution. [x-post from r/funny]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skinnymatters
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2012
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Einstein's Real Contribution
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TroubleNoMore
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2013
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My town throws a festival for the salmon spawn each year. This is what they call companies that contribute a significant amount of money.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBrontosaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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I finally have something to contribute! No longer a lurker πŸ‘πŸΌ
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clepto512
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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i contribute
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wnidwo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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My uncle worked for a newspaper's crossword puzzle team, but only contributed one awesome clue in his career...

He was a one-hint wonder!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...

... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.

Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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They got all the Russian puns, I'm sorry I can't contribute.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jbob285
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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Which is the fruit contributing most to space travel?

Melon Musk

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amwal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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Greek guy and a French guy were drunk and arguing about which of their cultures contributed more to mankind. Greek guy says oh yeah well we invented sex. French guy says

Well we introduced sex to women

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smokiesammies
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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Why are birds always partying?

Because every day is their birdday.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teduh
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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I just realized that I DO contribute to global warming.

Every time somebody sighs at my dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bparx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
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My father speaks mostly Spanish so would never expect to be able to contribute to this subreddit, but my dad finally dropped one in the car today with my mom:

(On the topic of going home after a doctor's appointment)

Mom: Wait for us outside the office or come inside with us because I don't feel well and I don't want to take the bus.

Dad: Well, then don't take the bus just get on it!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
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What is a sweet treat that contributes to candida?

candy. duh...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ihatepalmtrees
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
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They said I had to contribute to the Christmas decorations...

I made a Christmas Crackern!

http://imgur.com/a/vrfzs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jand2013
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2015
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This is little derivative

^^^dy/dx

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πŸ‘€︎ u/djeclipz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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My girlfriends laziness helped contribute to me dad joking her.

I had left work yesterday and she had told me she would make the bed. I came home last night and it wasn't made but she was already asleep.

In the morning I ask why she didn't make the bed when she said she would and she jokingly says, "the mattress threw a tantrum!"

I then say to her, "When you're disciplining your mattress you have to firm."

She groaned, I laughed, and I was proud. She never saw it coming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Armageddon13
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2014
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What helped contribute to the financial crisis?

Nothing on the left side of Accountants' books were right, and nothing on the right side was left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/USCgamecocks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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I just signed up for my work's 401k

but I don't think I can run that far.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SchmidtytheKid
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
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Got my wife with a few in a row while my daughter was at her dance class..

So, my wife was telling about how disappointed she was at our kindergartener's "Spring Fling" party this year. She described this one "activity" Where the kids throw a roll of toilet paper and try to ring a toilet.

I remarked "Wow.. that -is- pretty shitty!" And she scolded me for using foul language. "Yea.. sorry for the potty mouth... I'll water it down next time.."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2014
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Fortune Teller
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dommenam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
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A big thank you to "Dad jokes."

As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile!

I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the "this paper says otherwise" is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say "otherwise" on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that "Unfortunately this card says otherwise." I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest.

Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds. Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Junglejimirish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
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I use dad jokes every chance i get...

Me: how was class?

Her: alright we talked about soil. The entire lecture was on soil. How it is made, what contributes to good soil quality. And we learned the twelve categories of soil. Couldn't have been more boring.

Me: boring? Sounds pretty down to earth to me.

Her: haha that's was ridiculous

Me: what, should of I went with a dirtier joke?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MadMojo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2015
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Enough about me, what do you think of my tie?

https://youtu.be/wMtsM-5qubI

I hope you like my first contribution to /dadjokes :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kennydoe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2015
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I turned an English paper into one giant pun.

A Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless

The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. It’s bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitted sleeve within their communities. This process is difficult and lending a helping hand can make the difference. On the other hand, we have those who don’t try to succeed. Their negligence is worthy of more than a mere slap on the wrist. When somebody refuses to apply themselves, they are holding back progress. By giving themselves mental limitation they are creating a prosthetic disability they must abide by. The majority of working to achieve goals is believing you can reach out and grab them. But, somebody who gives up is cutting themselves short of success Seeing somebody give up is the furthest thing from being humerus. Urging these people is a necessity, otherwise they will never try their hardest, encourage them to use some elbow grease and put forth full effort. Any small contribution is better than being a detriment, community service, obtaining greater education, enlisting in the armed forces, these all benefit society. Drastic changes of this scale are sure to cause discontent, grab a tissue if need be, but never give up. For all those that are currently wasting away without contribution, it's time to limb’er up and take charge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chewy_64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
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Job at Campbell's Soup

My son got a job at Campbell's Soup. They no longer match 401k contributions, so I suggested he open a Broth IRA.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mudmonkeybtc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
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Dad joke makes it to my local news article's headline.

http://imgur.com/a/6XENi

(First time posting here, I hope posting a screenshot/imgur link alone doesn't violate any rules! Thought this would be quite a unique post to contribute to the sub.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefreshp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2016
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My FIL was talking about his catch-up 401-K

At dinner, my father in law was talking about how he has a catch-up 401K and can contribute extra each year. I told him to be careful and that he should maybe diversify with a mustard 401K as well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/piyoucaneat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2016
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Assphyxiation

Assphyxiation taken from the great contribution of /u/brother_p in /r/Whatcouldgowrong .. here

edit: Though the experienced really wrecked him .. the cub lived to see another day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/direwolfed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2014
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[Meta] Get your shit together, /r/dadjokes

This sub started out so great. It was a place with funny dad jokes and silly stories about horrible jokes that dads have made to clerks or waiters or whoever. Now this place might as well just be /r/jokes or /r/punny because that's all that ever gets posted here.

It seems that in every comment section of any post, somebody will make a joke and the top reply just says "/r/dadjokes" so I think that is what is contributing to this decrease in quality (unless I'm just imagining it, but I've seen a vocal section of you who complain too)

So can we try to get back to what this sub used to be? I don't really know what could be done, but I'm sure our moderator(s) can make a new rule or something

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gerbilseverywhere
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2013
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saw this on r/jokes and had to share it

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/friscosoa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2013
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Chicken Wings

In response to /u/rsocfan getting Reddit banned in Russia, the following conversation ensued:

> This is an impressive mark to have left on history. I mean, some people cause 48-car pileups on the high way, you get an entire site blocked from an entire country.

> I make chicken wings all day.

-/u/backstagecoffee

>chicken wings

> Your contribution is also important. How else would chickens fly?

-/u/stovenn

Link to the thread containing /u/stovenn's joke

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2015
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Let's play a game

We were watching a reality show called Oak Island when my dad said, "This would take a turn if they'd misheard and its actually Poison Oak Island. (Cue dad laugh)

But it got me thinking about a game I saw on Hollywood Game Night where they merge someone's last name and someone's first name. Like Bruce Wayne Gretzky. I find that hilarious.

This is my game creation: merge a well known phrase with a TV show, movie or other media that completely changes the premise of the media in a funny way.

First contribution: Tie Die Hard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/katfacekillah
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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This was my father's text to me this morning concerning Harrison Ford.

Him: Harrison Ford injured in crash landing of a piece of junk. Wondering if special modifications were contributing factor. Inquired about Chewbacca's condition. Nancy assured me this was a solo flight.

Me: you're the devil.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dsubandbeard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2015
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My dad just texted this to me

http://i.imgur.com/yDh3MSW.jpg

I feel the basic meme-ness of this contributed to the overall feeling of a dad joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/irrelevant_gnome
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
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oldest guy in class got us with this one

So what I think is the youngest person in class was showing a video on his phone of Mercedes new 'ESP' technology, which led the conversation into what causes most car crashes, to which most contributed a lack of attention because of doing the same thing over and over. We noted how sometimes one can arrive home without remembering anything about the drive, and how many of us have really specific habits. One guy said an obvious, "I even get out the exact same way each time."

To which older pilot guy quips, "To the left?"

Laughs were had.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aerik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2014
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My dad gets my brother at airport

So me and my family were on our way to Florida for a trip to Universal and Harry Potter world. The five of us were crammed in one of the shuttles that you ride to get to the airport from the far hinterland where you park your car. My little brother, ever the curious one, is asking my mom about our upcoming flight. He asks "So where are we sitting on the flight?" My dad, who up until this point hadn't contributed much to the conversation, got the gleam of a dad in his eye. He gave a smirk and, before my mother could reply, said "Well I don't know about you, but I'll be sitting on my ass."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0dd426
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2014
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