I'm glad I didn't go with my awkward girlfriend for her plastic surgery consultation...

She picked her nose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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I was at the recruitment agency and the consultant asked me what I thought of voluntary work?

I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RebellionRob75
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.

I thought they'd be smaller.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pdarigan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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A consultant came in to analyse my business the other day...

He said "sweeping changes had to be made".

The Janitor is not happy

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArseRobot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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FBI has just announced about a mole on their organization. They are consulting Harry Potter about the situation

since he is good at catching snitches

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doktorstrange7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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This sign at the Urologist actually took some stress away for my Vascetomy consult after a heartly chuckle.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nnudmac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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After consulting my therapist, I went out and bought a small whale.

She told me I need a porpoise in life

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Juantanamo0227
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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Currently in the hospital after the birth of our third child. Wife talking to lactation consultant about supply vs demand.

I chime in, "Sounds like MILKroeconomics 101."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshSamBob
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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A Frog Walks into a Bank

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"KermitΒ Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/josephlied
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend and I were both struggling with division problems. Then we consulted one another and were soon finished.

We concurred and divided.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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Recruitment
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bongnazi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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If you get in an accident and need to see a lawyer about it, just be careful..

They'll add consult to injury

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Born to be an anesthesiologist.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
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It’s only fitting
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
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Needed to consult dad about moms gift this year...

http://i.imgur.com/HwEYi8q.png

...should have known better

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tezius
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2014
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Gonorrhea would’ve been a great name for Diarrhea medicine
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOnlyJolt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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A frog walks into a bank for a loan.

All he has for collateral is a ceramic statue. The loan officer, Patty Black, is unsure of what to do so she consults with her supervisor; "Oh fine", he says. "It's a knick knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Remo1975
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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What do you call an ant that gives you advice?

A Consultant.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magus_5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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Meaning of Life - dadjoke at work today - Life as a consultant

As a consultant I find my workday is made up of continuous meeting after meeting.

Today I shared my schedule with a friend, to which he responded

"You didn't choose the meeting life, the meeting life chose...Oh wait" - friend

To which I responded

"What is the meeting of life?" - Me

Yay work is fun!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/losdos1989
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2015
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A tree surgeon’s girlfriend broke up with him.

He pined fir her fir months.

Knock on wood, they will someday get back together.

(Sorry, this joke wasn’t great... just oak-kay.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyUrb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?

The hip consultant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gymshark94
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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What do you do when your clothes are too large?

You consult a medium.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeepguy797
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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I just had Lasik corrective surgery.

During the consultation on Saturday, my nervous wife accompanied me to learn more about the procedure. She got me pretty good when she said it was an "eye-opening experience."

Rest assured I didn't leave her the last word. After the procedure yesterday, I exited the operating room to find her waiting in a crowded lobby. She looked up at me, and I got her back with "Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisFRKNRogers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
🚨︎ report
need puns for gnctr team name

hey guys my team is deciding on a team name on Thursday and I thought I could consult the pun masters of reddit to get the ball rolling. The name usually dictates the theme our team has for the competition and the name is usually a pun of toboggan or sled, previous examples jursled park, this one time at bogg camp, Indiana jones and the raiders of the lost sled. obviously these aren't the best puns so I feel like getting a good one would really sell it this year. thanks!

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
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How did the person know what time their house was broken into?

They consulted the neighborhood watch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/diatonicnerds
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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Two contractors are working on a building design

The first one is looking at the blueprint and finds that the stairs don't have enough space so he consults his supervisor. He shows him the blueprint and the space and says "there's not enough room so we need to change it to be either a ladder or an elevator". The supervisor thinks for a moment and replies "the latter"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supergamer422
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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Fun Gig

My IT Consultant was telling me about a fun gig, told him that's a 1000 more than a fun meg.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awhitehatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
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What do mallards do if they dont understand a quack

Consult a ducktionary

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fapling123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
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My dad just texted me this so I think it counts.

Sorry about being a little out of touch the past couple of months. My business partner bailed on me in January and I'm in the process of forming a new corporation with a couple of investors, hiring a new bookkeeper (my expartner's wife used to do that), arranging a storage facility, moving offices and re-organizing staff. It has been hectic.

Part of my business model is consulting. I recently had an experience that proves the value of consulting & demonstrates how consultants can make a difference in an organization. I was very impressed. I think this is a segment that I can develop with financial help.

Last week, I went out with some friends to a new restaurant (Steve's Bistro & Provisional Ales). I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked about the spoon.

He told me that restaurant's owner had hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. Everyone started to carry a spoon & since the staff is better prepared now they reduced the number of trips back to the kitchen and are saving 15 man-hours per shift.

A few minutes later I dropped my spoon and & my waiter replaced it with his spare. (I think that he thought I was texting him). He said that he would get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right then. Pretty smart efficiency. These are the types of little changes I plan to make as we move forward.

As we finished dessert I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. Before my waiter walked off, I asked the him, about the string. He lowered his voice & told me that not everyone is that observant. The consulting firm he had told me about also learned that the restaurant can save time on bathroom breaks. By tying the string to the tip of the penis, the male staff can pull the penis out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash their hands. This small change shortens the ti

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GHOSTWRlTlNG
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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Proud dad

Driving my daughter to school this morning, we passed a company with a big sign that said Plus Consulting. I said, "I wonder why they don't consult on minuses." My daughter said, "because they're too negative." Hearty dad laughing commenced and she beamed with pride.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Davy_Dee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2015
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Dad Joke Daily - The Middle Aged

https://youtu.be/1JVma0S-UXI

Michael talks about medievil times and why it is always important to consult your Encyclopedia Brittanica.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/impulsive-ideas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2017
🚨︎ report
I was at Redbox today...

I couldn't decide on a movie, so I consulted my groceries. My pizza said, "Keep Frozen."

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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Pastor dad-joked the congregation..

My pastor was talking about the influences of mothers in our lives... He proceeded to talk about how his daughter danced and had pleased Herod, and he offered her anything she wanted, up to half the kingdom. The dancer consulted her mother, who said she should request John the Baptist's head.

This, he informed us, is how to get a head in life.

Dad tears were present.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jman4647
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2014
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A man would experience severe pain in his eye every time he drank tea[X-Post from r/jokes]

He went to his doctor, who referred him to an eye specialist. They performed every test possible, but found nothing wrong with his eye. Since the pain was still persistent, he showed a number of specialists, had every test done on him, consulted quacks, and all to no result. He still felt excruciating pain whenever he had tea. Finally, he decides to visit an old sage. The sage sits him down and pours him some tea. As soon as he takes a sip, he feels the pain again. The sage sets his own cup on the table, and quietly says "Next time you drink tea, remember to remove the spoon from the cup."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gulzaar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad's personal favorite.

So this frog walks into a bank looking for a business loan and sits down with a banker, miss Wak. "I'm afraid in order for this loan to go through you may be required to put forth some collateral." To which the frog replies, "Well Patty, I do have one thing I could offer." He then proceeds to offer up a small trinket, says it's been in his family for generations. Unsure if it was enough, she excused herself to consult with her manager. After a short debate between the two her manager finally exclaimed, "It's a knick knack Patty Wak, give the frog a loan!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lawliet1979
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
🚨︎ report
First day at work

I started my internship today at an environmental consulting firm. My boss was introducing me to a colleague.

Boss: "This is Ellie-okay, he's the summer intern and he's studying civil engineering."

Colleague: "I can tell, he's very polite."

All the guys around his cubicle groaned while the three of us let out a big laugh. I think I'm gonna like working here.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ellie-okay
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2014
🚨︎ report
A frog walked into a bank...

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mellon_coliee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saveitforthedisco
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

.

.

.

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 590
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goboatmen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2013
🚨︎ report

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