I hired a firm to create an advertising campaign for me. Their idea was to use workbench clamps to hold the ads up for viewing.

I think that's just bad ad vise.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
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Did you hear about the police detective with the secret clamp collection?

He had a vice vise vice.

It helped him put the squeeze on suspects.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectMeat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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Try as I might, I can't sell any of these clamps

I guess everyone has their vises

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/grievre
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2015
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[Video] The Clinton Clamp youtube.com/watch?v=tqllN…
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stokeypower
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2013
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I got my dad a new tool that helps him remove things he has clamped onto his work bench.

He said he’d never heard of such a de-vice.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/DowntownCryptid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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How to Castrate a Bull, in Limerick Form

I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight

The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist

To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!

It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chordus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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Wife: I’m trying to cut a piece of wood, but it won’t stay in place.

Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my company’s logo on it.

Wife: I don’t need your advise!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/ugueth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ‘€︎ u/DesDesign11
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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Idk if this had been posted before, but I like it a lot.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ‘€︎ u/StinkFist_64
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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Vice your meat? Wait. No...
πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ‘€︎ u/mortilsola
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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... and ya really wanna show it....
πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ‘€︎ u/nkripper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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If you’re happy and you know it
πŸ‘︎ 469
πŸ‘€︎ u/tankeyetitan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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[Request] Can anyone please help me come up with a business name that is a Bob's Burgers-level pun?

The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.

But I am So. Stuck.

A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...

I'm ready to take the next steps in making this an actual business and take out some ad space, but the perfectionist in me NEEDS a brilliant name. Can someone please help me? The best I can come up with is some sort of play on Pepper Potts, but I see quite a few VAs out there with that as a business name. I will gift a platinum to the one I like the best if that's appropriate.

Thank you in advance! πŸ”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/EmElleGee31
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ‘€︎ u/hardsun311
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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My friend has been learning magic as a quarantine hobby. I present to you: my oc list of magician jokes and puns I invented to annoy him.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

β€œAb rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked β€œbirthday,” and said:

β€œPick a card, any card”

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/nsk09003
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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If you're happy and you know it...
πŸ‘︎ 327
πŸ‘€︎ u/dryeraser
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2017
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At my job interview I was asked β€˜after a long week, how do you like to recharge your batteries?’

Apparently β€˜with high voltage nipple clamps’ wasn’t the answer they were expecting

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sweaty_Bollocks
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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How do you save an otter's life?

You clamp the otter-y.

Said this in the ER, got groans from a troop of nurses.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/edragon20
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
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I labeled the four 'claws' on my car's jumper cables

One on each of the two positive and two negative ends:

Jed. Jethro. Granny. Ellie Mae.

("the Clamp-its.")

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/gone4011s
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
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