Cramp Puns

Dad: K

Sugarwater because it’s the best solution

Because when a woman gets ‘em, all the men know it’s time to take a stroll.

Me: My body is tearing itself apart.

My friend: Geez, don't overy-act.

That was a pain in the butt.

He told everyone he thinks he might be on his comma. All his daughters look at him in confusion. I'm dying laughing until he drops, "because I don't have a period."

I replied - "Shouldn't you get a hersterectomy?"

She groaned, but then agreed that I should post this here...

And it was probably one of the worst things about prison.

A dino sore

They said I cramp their style

It didn't have mushroom.

Edit: mushroomed to mushroom because I'm an idiot

But it's definitely up there.

I said sure, I love period pieces.

Minstrel cramps.

Edit: (I'm sorry. Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor. Period.)

Two, but it’s kind of cramped.

Should've waited to digest before the exercise, the cramps were a bitch.

"Someone help! Please! I'm in a nutshell! It's small and cramped in here!"

Girlfriend woke up this morning and threw up and is cramping badly, so she took pregnancy test. I've had kids, been through this before, but it came out negative. Her roommate had been joking about my gf being preggo before she left to get breakfast, so my wonderful woman hit her with this one:

https://i.imgur.com/DCFyfQv.png

Allow me to regale you with a couple tales illustrating my late dad's sense of humor. Last names faked because I'm not that stupid.

.

(1). At a routine PTA meeting about me in my Georgia school, everyone found themselves packed into a hot and stuffy room waiting for the boredom to end. Shoulder to shoulder fun, can you picture it?

My dad lets one rip. It's loud, smelly, and echoes. The room falls silent as the fart invites itself unfavorably to the nostrils of those in attendance.

He turns to my mom and with his best shocked face says, "... Patty!"

I like to think he slept on the couch that night.

.

(2). During my old man's wait for us to arrive at the new home he had bought, he had to deal with ongoing construction and roughed it at a hotel for a few nights. He was a retired Master Chief Machinist's Mate, so cramped quarters reminded him of the sub's nuclear engine room. No biggie.

An interview comes up for a civilian nuclear power plant nearby, and before you know it my dad's sitting before these stuffy, serious, wrinkly old board members and managers, having his (mostly military) resume picked through.

"Well Mister Smith, we're impressed. Twenty two years is no small amount of time to dedicate to the service. But do you feel you're qualified to operate and audit a civilian fission power plant?"

My dad thinks on it for a second.

"Well no, sir, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

He got the job immediately.

(For those needing the reference)

.

Thanks for caring to read. I miss him a lot and this subreddit always reminds me of his sense of dry, quick humor. Take care!

How do you kill a blue elephant?

• With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a white elephant?

• Choke him till he turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.

Did you know elephants paint their toenails to hide in bags of skittles? No? Have you ever seen an elephant in a bag of skittles? NO? WELL I GUESS IT WORKS!

All the guys in highschool band would call me a girl whenever my stomach would hurt after playing an instrument too long.

• Why'd it hurt your stomach? Minstrel Cramps.

I brought a girl over once and her name is Jessica. My father has a pretty severe case of tinnitus where he hears about 5-6 different tones at any given time. She announced her name and he thought it was Melissa for a few minutes. Eventually she corrected him.

He stared at her blankly for a moment and then asked, "Why'd you change your name Melissa? I think Melissa is a much nicer name."

Goddamnitdadwhyyoudothistome.

These are only a few. I practice very hard every day with my friends to become as punny and corny as a father should be with jokes. Someday I'll make him proud.

She was asking me all of these relationship questions for the heck of it and I hadn't been answering any of them. Well one of them was, "in a nutshell, how do you view yourself?"

I knee this was my chance and took it

I looked up and replied, "Cramped."

They're cramping our style!

My sister went to a LARP over the weekend as a bard and brought her ukulele. My dad had this to say when she got back

"You know, you better be careful running around the woods with your ukulele. You could get minstrel cramps."

My mom, my dad, and I started our journey across the US together in a Uhaul today. My mom likes to freak out. While in traffic, this happened.

Mom: Oh my god, why are we stopping?

Dad: Just a little bit of congestion.

Me: cough

Dad: Very good.

Me: Thanks.

Moments like these make a 26 hour drive cramped in a Uhaul together worth it.

We were laying in bed this morning and she was having cramps and said "I hate periods." I replied "Me too. Exclamation points are way better!"

I was practicing today and was experiencing some cramping in my hand

Me: "Man, Bach is really hurting my hand today" Father: "maybe you should Bach off, that should stop the pain!"

My reaction was a standard groan, and head shake...

EDIT: typos