"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.

A Christmas stalking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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Gallows humor, it's a real noose-ance!
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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What did the beautiful noose say

I don’t know but it was breathe taking

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chickenlicken865
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
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Nooses are so unreliable.

They always leave you hanging.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dracolord409
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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How do you call a purple noose?

Thanoose

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrswagduck
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
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Breaking Noose!

Up next, A Man's Failed Attempt at Suicide.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chowd_u
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2017
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I didn't realise that putting planks of wood in a noose was a capital crime in Italy until an Italian saw me doing it...

and pointed and shouted "That's a hanging offense"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2016
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[Dark] Reports came out that suicide rates actually dropped during the pandemic despite people's worst fears. I guess it's true what they say...

No noose is good noose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClawBadger
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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We grew up SO POOR I drank Nurse Pepper...

...she was an LPN.

We had a Don't Bother Checking account.

My first pet only had 3 legs, and it was a centipede.

Mom had one bra, and it was a lease.

For breakfast we ate Lieutenant Crunch.

My first spoon was monogrammed though ("1/2 TSP").

We were too poor to even say "awesome." We had to say "awefew."

We sat at the campfire and made S'Lesses.

My pillow only had one side.

Repossession was 9/10 of the law.

Five kids had to share one shoelace, and instead of toenails we grew toe staples.

Our scotch tape was scots-irish.

(I'm allowed)

My first shower came with sound effects and a lightshow.

One year Santa had to bring stockings.

The next year he filled them with nooses.

I did have a jumprope with a rattle on the end. And fangs on the other.

Other kids hunted eggs for Easter but we just died.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_YOUR_BLOOMERS
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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Don't try to high five an executioner....

They'll leave you hanging.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Demented_Sandwich
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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How did exicutioners hear about the latest criminals?

The Noose-Paper

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackWebber85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I’m a cashew

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chocolateechidna
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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For the convict on death row waiting to hear back from the governor...

...no noose is good news.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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And the winner for best neckwear is ...

Oh ... would you look at that ... it’s a tie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/captainkrinking
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
My Favorite Dad Joke

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fracturedsplintX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
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Hear about the guy who tried autoerotic asphyxiation for the first time?

He said it was a noose sensation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redrickfloats
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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Trump tried to kill himself and failed

it was a fake noose

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πŸ‘€︎ u/markov420
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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What did the hangman say to the newly exonerated man?

No noose is good noose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baintball333
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the triangle kill the square?

With a hypote-noose!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Soosoos19926
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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Why are people never hanged in USA anymore?

Because all they got is fake noose

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombiesAtHome
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
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What did the hangman say to the town after the criminals escaped?

"I have some bad noose."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pjnick300
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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Did you hear donald trump tried to hang himself?

It didn't work though, he used fake noose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vortexdude90
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Special Report: Execution Botched Today Due to Hangman's Absence During Knot Tying Seminar in his Youth

Breaking Noose

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeywithanr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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I was only taught yesterday that people were hung as a punishment for their crimes.

This is noose to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LiterallyL0091
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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The outlaw was being led to the gallows, then when he got there, he noticed the rope was missing...

he thought to himself, 'no noose is good noose'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CobraPony67
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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My dad when we were talking about recent crime in the United States...

Dad: Hey did you hear a bout what happened in Texas the other day?

Me: No, what happened?

Dad: Well there was these kids standing on an overpass of the highway, and they were dangling a noose over the edge trying to distract drivers. After a while the noose gets lower and lower and ends up catching a guys hand hanging out of the window, and ripped it clean off.

Me: Holy Shit no way that happened?!

Dad: Yup! And guess what they charged the kid with?

Me: I have no idea.

Dad: Armed Robbery....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/laxerado1313
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man who hung himself?

He was in the noose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/suspiciously_calm
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2013
🚨︎ report
The Three Kingdoms

so there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights in the second kingdom aren’t as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.

in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. he fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

the next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. the battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirmonkey95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man who died on the morning commuter train?

He got caught up in a noose-paper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zataks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my mom

We were watching Criminal Minds and there was a woman who had her head ripped off by a barbed wire noose and a car. My mom flipped over it, because it was rather gruesome, and I looked over and said "damn, she really lost her head on that one."

Mother wasn't impressed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Draked1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2014
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My failed suicide attempt was on tv

It was breaking noose

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Counterswift
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
🚨︎ report
What did one Lazy Hangman say to another?

No noose is good noose

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackel1989
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2015
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