What do you call a squirrel with a necktie?

a branch manager

what do you call a barber with a corner office?

a head manager

what do you call a mannequin in a suit

the president

shout out to my girlfriend for groaning through these with a smile

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jessezoidenberg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
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I was chosen to be the judge for our office's necktie competition, but it was a really hard decision.

It ended up a tie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yerboiboba
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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I once tried to do a fancy knot in my necktie, but it turned out so bad I went crazy and summoned a Great Old One.

Never figured I would bring forth and Eldredge Abomination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dgrubbnasty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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Did you hear about the South African guy who wears two neckties?

He calls it "apart-tie".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
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A man is walking into an expensive restaurant when...

A man is walking into an expensive restaurant when he is stopped by the Maitre'D, who tells him that he can't be admitted without a necktie. The man, late for his appointment, runs back out to his car and searches high and low. Finally, out of desperation, he grabs a set of jumper cables, ties them into a rough knot around his neck and runs back into the restaurant. The Maitre'D stares at him for a few seconds and finally says, "Alright, I'll let you in..." and then leans in and says in a low growl, "but you'd better not try to start anything."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sherzeg
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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Grandfather’s ties

My grandfather was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.

When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.

Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kingy7777
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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Post your most recent, facepalm-inducing puns!

[during tonight's Minnesota Wild/Chicago Blackhawks game]

Me: "Hey, do you want to hear a hockey joke?"

Eldest sister: "No."

Me: "OK. Just checking."

Your turn! Make me cringe! :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Metallica93
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2015
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An old hat and a new hat are on a hanger...

The Old says to the New, "You go on a head..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OneGhost645
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2016
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My dad emailed me this joke...

This guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says, "Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place." Our hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found. In desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a Windsor knot, and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says...

"Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/realhighpockets
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2015
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My dad told me to come look at his "receding hairline tie".

He then showed me a necktie covered in pictures of hares in lines. http://imgur.com/d407dB2

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YodaKen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
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Watching The Sing Off

The group of Filipino boys had suits on with super skinny neckties

Me: Those are little ties

Husband: They aren't Thai, they're Filipino (does the point-point-point hand gesture)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a-ohhh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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