It's my dry cents of humor
We’ve been hanging out with family this weekend, my daughter comes up to me looking for her cousin.
Her: “Where’s Noah?”
Me: “I have Noah-dea”
Cue laugh from the daughter, groans from the adults.
The laughing stock exchange
Me: So you've Groan out of my jokes?
it was HILL AREAS!!
Boss: I like to block off my calendar at the end of my day from 4-6 as my catch up time
Me: What comes after that, mustard time?
I'm still employed somehow
So my sister dad and I were sanding and then painting the exterior of our house. My sister and I were sanding while my dad painted what we had already sanded. Then we hear the unmistakable dad-chuckle and he said, " I should set you two on fire so then you'd be BURNING SANDERS"
So our new born had us up all night. While he was sleeping we laid him on the bed between us, while we were talking I put my hand over his entire torso and said. "Boy is he a handful" she's laughed and told me to shut up.
I was passing through the halls of my workplace past the storage room when a guy from finance comes out with a cart full of paper. He said to me,
Him: "Hey Tim."
Me: "Hey, how's it going?"
Him: "I'm good," he motions to his paper filled cart, "just pushing paper.."
I got a good chuckle out of that. That dude always has the jokes.
I work for an organisation which has a very institutionalised system whereby the newest hires are the shit kickers and the people who have been there longest have it easiest. I knew it when I signed up and now I've done my time and moved up the totem pole a bit. I was lucky enough to be one of 10 people hired at the same time in this hiring period and so the shit was spread out a bit.
We have a small fleet of cars that need to be washed every Sunday. This is the newest hire's responsibility. About 2-3 months into the job I was washing the cars with a few of my other new colleagues. Our supervisor pokes his head out of the building and barks at us "Make sure you do a good job; don't forget to do the wheels!"
"Don't worry boss," I replied, "I'll do a wheelie good job!"
Have you ever heard a chorus of groans? I have.
Waiter: "And would you like to start your meal with soup or salad?"
Me: "What makes the salad 'super?'"
I was on the phone with my parents discussing a family trip on Memorial Day.
Mom: Do you have Memorial Day on your calendar?
Me: Uhhh yea... I have all the days on my calendar.
What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?
A dictator
Somebody called our restaurant and asked if they could get a rain check. My boss told the person on the phone,
"Hold on...no, it's not raining outside." I can only imagine the groan of the person over the phone.
Me: That must be orientation.
Dad: Aren't they all orient Asians?
