Did you hear of the poor chap who lost his Right buttocks in an accident?

All his best days are now left behind.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/ojohn69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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I was in a bar in Texas, when a man walks in wearing a paper cowboy hat, a paper shirt, paper jeans,paper chaps and paper boots.

Anyway, the sheriff burst in and arrested him for rustling.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chap stick this morning.

She's still not speaking to me.

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ‘€︎ u/tim_naduvilath
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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A chap jumps out of an areoplane and his parachute fails to open.

On the way down he meets a chap with no parachute moving up wards. He shouts to him, Hey mate know anything about parachutes? The chap coming up shout No but do you know anything about gas cookers?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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While out caroling one Christmas eve, Jeff & Don were tragically killed in the middle of singing "Deck the Halls". In a strange twist, they were reincarnated as ass-less leather chaps. Jeff looked at his friend and said...

..."Don, we now are gay apparel."

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ‘€︎ u/AbattoirOfDuty
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2015
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Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?

he won the no-bell prize!

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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What did the terrorist say to the pilot with chapped lips?

"I have a balm!"

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ‘€︎ u/bryceguy72
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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Why do chapped lips like California?

It's always balmy.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hephsters
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2017
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So im about ten years old walking home from school with my mates..

When a chap in a van pulls up gets out and says there is a new leather sette and a leather chair in the van you can have it free of charge.

We decided to take it to our house. I told my dad expecting him to be pleased. Instead he came over and clipped my ear with the back of his hand.

Crying i said what was that for. My dad said How many times do i have to tell you. DONT TAKE SUITES OFF STRANGERS!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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He is speaking the language of the gods.
πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyMomIsAnApricot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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My wife didn’t think I’ll give our daughter a silly name.

But I called her Bluff.

πŸ‘︎ 828
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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A hematophagous Arachnid Acari showed up wearing sturdy leather leggings with a belt.

Questioned by his friend why he was dressed like that he responded "Im a Chaps-tick"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/NetScr1be
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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Why are Gay Pride parades in Summer?

Because Pride comes before the Fall.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/foomachoo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2016
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I just got a new job at a prison library.

It has its prose and cons.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonts26
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2015
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My 5yo son got me

Me: Let me see your chapped lips. I need to put some Aquaphor on them. Him: When will we have Aquafive? This one tastes bad.

I couldn't keep a straight face the whole time I was putting him to bed after that.

πŸ‘︎ 567
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
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A wizard dies and they lock up his ashes in a lamp

The lamp is then fastened by the sea, just so none of the townsfolk get into trouble. One day, an inquisitive young chap opens the lamp and the wizard starts wreaking havoc upon the town. All the scientists gather and decide to chemically dissolve the lamp. But all the chemicals they have fail to work. They try to burn it, melt it and what not but nothing works. Finally one scientist says β€œI know exactly what we should do. Pour excessive chemicals and try to dissolve it. I know we’ve tried it before but let’s give it another shot.” They bring in acids and other corrosives from the neighbouring cities and pour it on the lamp and it successfully dissolves and the wizard disappears. Everyone is amazed and asks the scientist β€œHow did you know about the extra chemicals?” The bald, black scientist looks at them and says β€œOh that’s easy. Moored urn problems require more darn solutions.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordoflethargy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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If Britain would ever switch over to the imperial system...

The chaps would likely have to go to a pub to have a pint and complain.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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An archaeologist was examining an ancient looking post in a field...

Carved on to the post was some roman-looking words:




After two hours of analysing the words, he was approached by the farmer that owned the field. "What are you looking at chap?" Said the farmer.

"I'm trying to figure out the meaning of the writing on this post... it looks Roman! This could be a great find!" The archaeologist replied.

"Let me take a look" says the farmer as he analyses the carving.

"It says "To tie mules to" you silly twat".

Credit to Stephen Fry on No Such Thing As A Fish podcast

Edit - Formatting

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/InkJetPrinters
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Wife: 'Have you seen my lip balm?'

Me: 'Aww, are your lovely lips feelin' like cowboy hips?'
her: '...What?'
Me: '.... Chapped?'

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
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If I had known that this subreddit existed, I would've shared the tale of Brown Paper Bart with you long ago.

A man is riding his horse through the desert, and, well, he starts to get thirsty. He sees a small town off in the distance, so he sets off in that direction to get some water for his horse and some whiskey for hisself.

Well, as he gets into that little town he starts to notice something peculiar. Not a soul is out. Sun's setting, but still plenty of light. Water in the horse troughs tells him it ain't a ghost town, but folks ain't comin' out for some reason.

Now, as soon as he turns onto the town's main street, he sees a soberin' sight; the sheriff, on a ladder, hammering the last nail into a brand new gallows. He sidles his horse on up to the sheriff and says, "Pardon me sheriff. I don't mean to pry, but pray tell, who're them gallows fer?"

The sheriff looks around, surprised to see someone out. He steps down, takes off his hat and scratches the back of his head thoughtfully, before replying, "Well, I reckon you must be a stranger in these parts. I reckon then that you ain't never heard of Brown Paper Bart. Anyway, we're lynchin' him come sunrise."

"Brown Paper Bart? I reckon not, sheriff. That's a mighty peculiar name, pray tell, whaddaya call him Brown Paper Bart fer?"

"Wayill, I reckon we call him Brown Paper Bart on account 'a the fact that everything he wears is made a' brown paper. His hat's made a' brown paper, his boots is made a' brown paper. His chaps is made a' brown paper, his neckerchief's made a brown paper. Heck dang shoot, even his lunch bag is made a' brown paper!"

The man looks at the sheriff a moment, perplexed, before replying, "Well, sheriff, I reckon that's a mighty peculiar thing for a man to do, but that don't explain these brand new gallows. Pray tell, what're you lynchin' Brown Paper Bart fer?"

[Insert a dad-length pause here.]


πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ‘€︎ u/malenkylizards
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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My Wife: "I need chapstick"

Me: "Who the fuck is Chap?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/AxeEffect3890
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2017
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Just remembered one from "Don't Try This at Home" in 1998.

Used to be on ITV if my memory serves me correctly. One of the pieces involved going up to random shoppers at the mall and trying to get them to eat sheep testicles. The host approached a foreign looking chap and asked "are you peckish?" to which he answered "no, I'm Turkish".

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/CradlePouncer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2014
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Why was the cowboy riding upside down on his horse?

His lips were chapped!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/adurnari
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2014
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i was at a baseball game with my cousin and his son. his son, a little chap, asked "how are baseballs made?"

to which my cousin replies "well you see, when a mommy baseball and a daddy baseball get together........" subtle, yet dad joked.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/glopez810
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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Homophones are dad joke bait.

So my daughter is sick and has been taking antibiotics for the past week. These antibiotics cause some unwanted side effects (unholy diarrhea) that require us to put a paste on her butt that keeps it from getting chapped. This lead to the following brief exchange between my wife and I:

(While she was changing an explosive diaper)

Her: Have you seen the butt balm?

Me: Yeah, it's right there in her diaper...

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/PivotalPixel
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2014
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I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.

She still isn't talking to me

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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A duck walks into a drug store...

... and says "give me some Chap Stick and put it on my bill".

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/DazBlintze
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2015
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