I've really enjoyed the past year here and have gotten some great material for my repertoire that never ceases to amaze the wife and kids, but I think it's time I had a short word with you all

Short

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimothyLux
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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Army: *Cease fire*

Firefighters: WHERE?!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hubmeme
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Cyanide and Happiness never ceases to amaze. imgur.com/dc518vF
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mlerner42
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2015
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What do you call a bunch of flies in a vacuum chamber?

Walks.

For those who didn't get it , it's okay , there's no pressure at all !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ravioliWhoreeeee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns...

I said, "O.K.....I'll give it arrest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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Heh, fungal...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Made-Of-Magic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...

So there were 6 of us...

With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)

There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".

Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"

The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.

Best day of my comedic life

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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Why did the socialist kill all the average workers at his factory?

He wanted to cease the means of production

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Once upon a time in numberland, the numbers 3 and 5 were jealous of the number 2.

2 was enjoying a special position in the sequence of numbers. It was the only even prime number. All the other even numbers existed only because 2 existed. Heck, even computers ran on base-2.

As a result, 2 looked down upon all the other numbers, but no one could do anything about it.

3 and 5 conspired against 2 and decided they needed to do something so that it lost its powers. They kidnapped 2, and through magic divided 2’s powers equally among themselves. 2 ceased to exist. 3 and 5 both increased by 1.

Looking at 2’s dead body, they said, β€œNow we are even.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keychainoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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How do you tell a communist to stop being rude?

Cease the means.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trevpidation
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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It comes in bags?

I purchased some 8oz cans of soda at Target last night and I managed to Dad-joke the cashier:

Cashier: "Do you like these in bags?"

Me: "No thanks, I like them in cans. I didn't even know they came in bags."

She rolled her eyes and ceased all communication.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Balrog_Forcekin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2014
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Never seizes to amaze. Even over texts

Me: You sure I have to go tomorrow?

Dad: Yes. The family is expecting you. Just talk to David and he can help you out.

Me: Roger That

Dad: No his name is David

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πŸ‘€︎ u/12TripleAce12
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2016
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In math, you eliminate something by adding its opposite

So if you make a lighter heavier, will it cease to exist?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2017
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My dad was looking at some photos...

…when his grandson asks him, "where am I?" My dad replies, "you're right here" while at the same time pointing at his grandson irl. He never ceases to amaze me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/python935
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2016
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Neighbor lady drops this.

As my family and the neighbors are all watching the NBA finals, my mom asks why Miami is doing badly, suddenly one of our neighbors, a small quiet Filipina, quickly ceases the her golden opportunity with this:

"Well it looks like they're losing their heat"

The groans were strong in our living room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lens_key
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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Dadjoked by a Constitutional Law professor.

This one's mostly about a refusal to cease and desist the dad jokes -

"Imagine Congress authorizes the military to hold a nationwide bake sale because they need/knead the dough."

Crickets.

"I was sure that would get a rise out of you."

More crickets.

"OK, I'll stop, though I'm clearly on a roll."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PortlyGoldfish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2015
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Grandpas are dads to

While trying to catch the grandpa in law with a quick joke i heard in bad grandpa

What's the key to comedy? And before they say anything you interrupt with "timing" but good ol king of jokes grandpa yells "whiskey!" He never ceases to amaze me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/larsonol
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
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