Quick aside. If admiral ackbar contracted a minnow-scule amount of salmon-ella poisson-ing while tuna-ing his guitar on his carp-et, would he instead need to use his bass tonight?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joker-here
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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I was urchin to keep scrolling down this thread, but you sea, I kept herring that the puns got more and more carp. v.redd.it/ypd18apxdu531
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CREEPONATER
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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What’s the Latin name for a Japanese carp split in half?

Koitus interruptus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deceze
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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What’s the difference between a carp and a lawyer?

One’s a loathsome bottom feeder, and the other’s a fish.

my law professor told this joke to start class off today

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πŸ‘€︎ u/speedyeddie
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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"Seize the day" - Carp-In-Denim i.reddituploads.com/1ead3…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OhShitItsDatJew
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2017
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Carp!

Here's my go at a crappie pun:

Grillex was cooking us fish, but he dropped the bass.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flameoguy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2014
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Why did the english teacher take a carp?

he had a vowel movement...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slaying_mantis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
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Why didn't the carp trust the sardine?

Because he was a little fishy!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dreamdusk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
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Whenever my dad encourages me to take risks and try something, he says "Seize the carp!"

My mother freaks out whenever she hears him say that because she hates it and she's sick of it. I think it's hilarious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joe_sand
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2015
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Who is carpe ??

Why does he DM everyone?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rocketshoe21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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Carpe(t) Diem!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DurrVinci
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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What is the one thing fishermen are afraid of?

Getting carp-al tunnel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OJAMZ23
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything

Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?

Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes

Wife: Who makes those rules?

Me: The Dad Poet Society

Wife: groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scotland42
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.

Now that's what I call seizing the day.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jazst
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler

I woke up exhausted

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cmk100
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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Whats the fastest thing on the river bed?

A motor-pike and side-carp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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Not sure if this has been posted here before. I found it on Facebook cause I suck.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shiny_Shaymin18
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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Many years after the great flood, God came to Noah again and spoke: β€œNoah, it is my wish that you build another ark.”

Rather worried, Noah said β€œBut my Lord, have the people not been good this time? Must there be another flood?”

β€œNo, there will not be a flood, the people have been good.” Said the Lord.

β€œThen why another ark?” Asked Noah.

β€œI wish for this ark to only house fish.” The Lord replied.

A slightly confused Noah responded β€œOkay... I shall do as you wish my Lord.”

β€œBut not just any fish; only carp.” The Lord said unto him.

Noah, now more bemused, replied β€œUh- okay my Lord.”

β€œOne more thing.” The Lord said unto him β€œit needs to have multiple levels.”

β€œAre you sure my Lord? What is the purpose of this? What on earth is it all for?” Noah pressed.

And God said: β€œI want you to build a multi-story carp-ark.”

Passed from my father unto me, to pass onto my son when he becomes a father.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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How do the fish police question suspects?

They use the good carp, bad carp method.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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My husband wrote a very heartwarming birthday message for me on Facebook. This was my response
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xomati
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2018
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Some unexpected consequences of coronavirus..

So it's been almost 3 weeks since a lockdown was triggered in the UK and there have been quite a few knock on effects.. Some good and some bad which I want to share in this post.

Firstly one of my friends lost his job. He worked as a psychic.. Never saw it coming. Its been a difficult couple of weeks and he is now considering a complete career change...considering becoming a baker of all things.. But I suppose he really kneads the dough. I suggested he focus on photography, but nothing ever developed.

Another of my friends was also made redundant. He managed to get a Skype interview for a position in Tescos within a few days. The interviewer asked him: "what is your biggest weakness?", he replied "I don't know when to quit". The interviewer said "OK, your hired". He said "I quit".

Work has been busy for me but since I can't enjoy the things I usually do I have been looking for some new things to do around the house. It's been nice have the thyme to do more cooking. I randomly started a boat building business in my garage.. Sails have gone through the roof.

In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years I am now shouting at my parents for leaving the house. I suggested they take up scrabble to keep them occupied.. Turned out to be a bad idea from the word go.

It's been great hearing about how world pollution levels have been failling. I read the story about fish now being visible in the canals in Venice.. I hope that story isnt a load of pollocks! Cod, these were eely bad. Will stop carping on now!

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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Found in the wild. Seize the day. reddit.com/r/FortNiteBR/c…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArtymisMartin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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Did I ever tell you guys my recipe for herb infused fish?

Shame that this is neither the thyme nor the plaice...

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2018
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Sushi

...the rolls-rice of Asian seafood

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoburLC
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2017
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Gf got me with this gold today...

Gf: Why do fish always sing off-key?

Me: ... They don't know their scales?

GF: Good guess, but it's because you can't tuna fish.

Me: Oh, I mistook this for "Why are fish always perfectly pitched?" "Because they know their scales so well!"

GF: Yeah. You got that...

β€’_β€’)>βŒβ– -β– 

(βŒβ– _β– ) Bass-ackwards.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MNITrenton
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2015
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Hope you have a great day
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
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Very fishy

Reporter goes to a brand new fish farm. The owner is showing her around. "These are our salmon, our trout are over there..." As the owner is speaking, reporter trips & her billfold falls into the nearest tank. It floats away, carried by the artificial current.

Reporter asks if the owner has a pool skimmer or something. Owner proudly says "No need, just watch - these fish are smart!"

Reporter watches as her billfold pops above the surface on the nose of a fish. The wallet is then tossed up, and another catches it.

This goes on until the last fish tosses the lost leather case into the reporter's hands. "That's amazing," she says.

Owner grins & says "Yep! We're proud of our carp-to-carp walleting!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthwulf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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What’s a kidnapper’s favorite salad?

Seize Her Salad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blazinbluecolor
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2018
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Pun pet names.

Pets I want to have....

An otter name Harry Otter. A snake named Severus Snake. A tortoise named Voldetort. A chicken named Kylo Hen. A dog named Barkamedes. A deer named David Hasselhoof. A turkey named Green Gobbleen. A cat named Captain Ameowrica. A stork named Tony Stork. A pig named Peter Porker. A crocodile named Croctor Strange. A duck named Ducktor Doom. A squid named Abraham Inkin. A goose named Ryan Gooseling. A heron named Charlize Heron. A goat named Selena Goatmez An alpaca named Alpacachino. A carp name Leonardo Di’Carprio. A tuna named Tuna Turner. A horse named Neighlor Swift. A toad named Demi Lavatoad. A Rhino named Ryan Rhinolds. A swan named Swan Jovi. A Falcon named Jimmy Falcon. A ferret named Ferret Faucet. A rabbit named Hoptimus Prime. A cow named Moolissa McCarthy. A crow named Seth Crowgan. A fox named Charlie Fox. A cat named Katy Purry. A wolf named Howly Berry. A hamster named Scarlet Johamster. A parrot named Squakin Phoenix. A duck named DuckleBerry Finn. A canary named Jim Canary. A swarm of bees, all named BeeyoncΓ©. A sheep named Meryl Sheep. An elk named Elkton John. A bear named Teddy Mercury. A ram named Gordon RAMsey. A shark named Fin Diesel. A jellyfish named Jelly Clarkson. An Iguana named Eddie Lizard. A hyena named Hyena Bonham Carter. A penguin named Robird Downey Jr.

a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clixer712
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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What type of music do freshwater fish like?

Drum and Bass...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
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My dad's fishing jokes are appalling.

I was telling my dad about my JAWS essay that is due in a couple of days and this is the conversation that followed.

Me: I'm writing out my JAWS essay.

Dad: Ok sounds a bit fishy.

Me:That's a terrible joke.

Dad: Hook line and sinker

ME: Stahp. I can't handle the dad jokes anymore.

Dad: Holy mackerel he's growing up

Me: You seriously can't make anymore up.

Dad: I'm having a whale of a time.

Me: Really?

Dad: Yes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dropboy6
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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What do you call a fish who makes his living as a woodworker?

A Carp-enter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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What do you call a big boat full of fish

A carp ark

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomguythere195
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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There’s no time like today to do the things you love. For me, that thing is fishing.

Carp diem!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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A student of mine told me she couldn't sneeze.

I told her, "Sneeze the day."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeepwellBridge
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2017
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Where do British fish park their cars?

At the carp park of course!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
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2 Fisherman

2 fishermen are fishing. One of them drops his wallet and a carp jumps up and grabs it, then passes it to another carp.

The other fisherman says:

β€œThat’s the first time I’ve ever seen carp to carp walleting.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RadTradDad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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So today I bought some fish...

I recently joined a CSF - a community supported fishery. Once a week, I'll pick up a filet of freshly-caught salmon, a bag of shellfish, or other such delights from the Pacific Ocean and bring it home to my darling wife and children to much joy (or anguish, depending on who you're asking.)

You get to choose your pick-up spot, and I chose a location close to my office, so I could swing by on the way home; it's a nautical-themed bar, appropriate for such a business transaction. "Go to the bartender and ask for the fish", say the instructions; so I did, and he handed me the catch of the day. Gleaming white filets, glorious they were. Then I met a friend of mine, and after chatting for a little while, I went home.

"Jack," says my wife, "what took you so long? You should have been home an hour ago!"

"Sorry," I said. "I stopped by the bar, just for the halibut."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajacksified
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
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NEW!! Celebrity Fun in the Pun candle line!

Chris Pine - Pine scented

Cocoa Chanel - Hot cocoa scented

Beth Crow-ley - Rain, nighttime, and city streets scented

Tom Holly-and - Holly berry scented

JK Row-ling - Lakes and campfire scented

Miley Cypress - Cypress scented

Bob Moss - Forest and moss scented

Juniper Aniston - Juniper scented

Katy Berry - Mixed berry scented

Britney Spearmint - Spearmint scented

Bread Pitt - Bread scented

Tom Cruise - Ocean, salty, alcohol scented

Aurora - Nighttime, wind, whimsical scented

Nicole Kidman - baby powder scented

Justin Beaver - Wood, nature scented

Elvis Parsley - Parsley scented

Steve Cobs - Corn on the cob scented

Banana Montana - Banana scented

Orange Winfrey - Orange scented

Chris Bat - Nighttime, caves, and bats scented

Zoey Salad-ana - Salad, lettuce, leafy greens, tomato, cheese scented

Dwayne the Rock - Mountains, earthy, fresh, crisp, wind scented Jennifer Joe-pez - Nice hot cup o’ joe scented

Chicken Corbin Blue - Chicken and cheese and ham scented

Robert Brownie Jr. - Brownie scented

Sardine-a Gomez - Sardine scented

Daniel Rad-Clif - Clif bar blueberry flavor scented

Leonardo Di-Carp-rio - Fish scented

Halle Berry - Mixed scented

Demi Tomato - Tomato scented

Kevin Bacon - Bacon scented

Mandy S’more - S’mores scented

Mackerel-more - Fish scented

Broccoli Obama - Broccoli scented

WILL.I.SPAM. - Spam scented

Mark Buffalo Wings - Buffalo wing scented

John Lemon - Lemon scented

Shakiramisu - Tiramisu scented

Egg Sheeran - Eggs scented

Benedict Cucumber Patch - Cucumber scented

Adille - Dill scented

Kevin Spicy - Taco scented

Channing Potatum - Potato scented

Melon DeGeneres - Melon scented

Danny Burrito - Burrito scented

Michaelanjello - Red jello scented

Harry Panini - Panini scented

Snoop Hot Dog - Hot dog scented

Paris Hilton - Paris, city of love, generic love perfume scented

Morgan Whipped Cream-in - Whipped cream scented

Mike Fryson - French fry scented

Henry David Thoreaut Lozenge - Cough drop scented

Raisin Williams - Raisin scented

Robert Frosty - Vanilla ice cream scented

Jeff Onion-blum - Onion ring scented

Tom Skittle-ston - Skittles scented

Ralph Waldo M&Mson - Chocolate scented

Malt Whitman - Malt scented

(Friend and I came up with these on the ride down to Boston for a concert, after the β€œI wonder what Chris Pine smells like?” joke was brought up again from a previous time hanging out. I’m particularly proud of Bob Moss and Zoey Salad-ana.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minnara
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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"That's the closest thing to crap I have ever eaten," I told the waiter.

"I apologise sincerely, sir," he replied.

I said, "No need. It's the carp."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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A Fishy Tale.

Salmon once told me that if you can carry a tuna you can be a star - fish aside, it's best not to have a weight and sea approach. Start to give a carp about your jib, carefullly line up your ducks in a roe and when the opportunity comes you'll be reeling! Always remember to never do anything just for the Halibut!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/turddicken
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2015
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What do you call a spontaneous fish that loves new-age techno?

Carp EDM

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πŸ‘€︎ u/philography
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
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Out-dadded by Mom

I always say "sieze the carp" because I'm hilarious. Sent my mom the following text, letting her know I was out because it was such a nice day:

>Me: Playing disc golf.

>Mom: :). K

>Me: Figured I'd size the carp while I could.

>Mom: That's a Diem good idea

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πŸ‘€︎ u/outfromtheashes
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2015
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On a fishing trip

Dad and I went fishing for the first time in a while at a nearby pond. Suddenly he starts screaming about something and I ask him what was wrong, and he replies: kelp, kelp, call the carps!

Grooooan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ezdoesit1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2014
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