Told the doctor that I have this eel that keeps bursting out of my back and crying.
He prescribed me some anti-BackTearyEel lotion to take care of it.
I invented a revolutionary new kind of beer. The bursting of the CO2 bubbles once the bottle is open can actually filter the air around you as you drink.
I call it the HEPA-weizen.
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells “you smelt my armour!”
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: “Yes, and what a lovely scent it had.”
I totaled my Toyota the other day, and it burst into flames...
It was a gorgeous shade of red before; now it’s just a burnt Sienna.
An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...
He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."
The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."
If a male person bursts into laughter...
... can he then be accused of manslaughter?
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears...
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
An armed robber bursts into a store one day.
Pointing his firearm at two cashiers, he shouts “hand over the contents of the cash register! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession...you know, a habitual occupation followed for a livelihood and involving commercial transactions!”
Cashier 1: “What do we do?”
Cashier 2: “Do what he says, I think he means business!”
A man burst into a ski resort in Vale, Colorado.
He shouted into the room, "Everywhere I go, there's a black bird that sticks to me. He sticks to my fleece jacket, my wool hat, even my velvet gloves!"
The concierge shakes his head and says, "Oh, that's just the Vale crow."
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
The Worst Dad Joke
Today, my daughter asked “Can I have a bookmark?” and I burst into tears. . .
My dad burst into my room and said, “Wanna hear a joke?”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.
He said. “Sorry. That was a long winded story.”
As if 2020 wasn't crazy enough in Texas today, a herd of cows suddenly burst into flames.
Scientists still don't know what the cattle-lyst was.
When you’re sliding in to first and you feel your britches burst...
You should have bought a high quality denim jean with plenty of room for your legs. Those tight jeans are just not practical.
My wife Lorraine left me because I always burst into song.
I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone.
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Be careful to not burst your bubble.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
/r/Weekness/comments/erz6…
What do you call clean music? [OC]
A man burst into a doctor's office and began asking all sorts of strange questions to the people waiting inside. When the doctor asked him to stop, he didn't. The doctor replied
You're really testing my patients.
I had to get those bags of heroin out of my rectum, or they would surely burst.
It was a poo or die situation.
A boy was sitting at home playing video games when suddenly his dad bursts in through the front door and says, “Son, look, check out my new AirPods!”
The boy looks at his father’s ears but sees nothing. “Dad, there’s nothing there.”
“Yeah I know, they’re literal!”
A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
short-funny.com/best-puns…
A man bursts into his therapist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looked up from his paperwork and said, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
A therapist was with a client when another client burst in and said, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep having a nightmare that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards."
The therapist looked at him calmly and said, "I'm with another client. I'll deal with you later."
A patient bursts into his therapist's office and shouts, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I'm trapped in a deck of cards!"
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
Today my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” And I burst into tears. 15 years and he still doesn’t know my names Brian.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Today my son asked "can i have a book mark?" I burst into tears.
He is 11 years old and still doesn't know my name is Brian
Today, my son asked "Can i have a book mark?" And i burst into tears
11 years old and he still doesnt know my name is Brian
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a bookmark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Today, my son asked "can I have a book mark?" And I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian!
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
My daughter asked me "do you have a book mark". I burst out crying
Shes 11 years old and still doesn't know that my name is bob...
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