Mosh Pitt.
It's the Pits.
Girlfriend: Did you see that photograph of Brad Pitt's brother?
Me: No I didn't, is his first name Arm?
Cue her laughing at my lameness. Let's hope my ability at dad jokes convince her I'll be a good father to her children someday.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie own a vineyard called Mirival that makes a really good rosé.
Wife: do you think they'll stop making Mirival?
Me: Even if they don't, we better stock up on it now. That wine is about to be terrible.
Wife: ...why?
Me: Because of sour grapes.
"Oh my gosh! I'm such a huge fan!"
"Because I often say don't forget about Brad Pitt."
A Civil Serpent.
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
A brad pitture
Yell “My money’s on the one with the knife!”
Evils Parsley
My son came up to me and said, “can I have a bookmark?” I started crying, 10 years and he still doesn’t know my name is brad.
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.' So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt - I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?' The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars . But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer.
Co-worker had just returned from buying me a pack of smokes and hands me the change, which I tell him he can keep. Coworker: WOW! A whole six cents! Now I can feed my family.... /s Me: No, now you can see dead people... Queue eye rolling and stares from customers.
Elanore (we called her El for short) had a crush on Samantha's (Sam for short) boyfriend Brad, and one day Sam ran past me crying. I stopped her and tried to console her. I asked her what was wrong. She said she had caught Brad with El in Brad's parents' barn. Brad left when El and Sam began fighting, and Sam said she grabbed El by the hair, hit her in the face with her knee and threw her into a pile of straw, and that she wasn't moving when she left. I rushed to see if she was ok, and amazingly, with very little effort, I found a kneed El in a haystack.
