Wife: I'm having second thoughts about booking a week long stay at the teepee camp
Me: No, you're just having a reservation reservation reservation
I was on the phone to an airline rep booking a flight.
She asked, "Window or Aisle?"
After a moment, I replied, "or you'll what?"
I was really unsure about booking my recent hotel stay.
Had reservations about the whole thing.
If you were to second guess your decision on booking a trip to a Native American community....
That would be a reservation reservation reservation
After practising for 5 years without getting a single booking, I suggested my son's band change their name to 1023mb
They still haven't got a gig, though.
When booking a table for dinner.
Me: Lets go at 7?
Mother: I'll book for 7 then?
Father: 7? There's only 3 of us!
I told my dad that my air bnb bookings had been decreasing recently
His response: "try earth bnb and then water bnb instead"
.....
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)
I think whoever made this book is a total quack
My wife said, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”
I said, “That’s.....a novel idea.”
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
I bought this book but had to return it for all the fowl language
Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds.
I’m proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!
I’m reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen.
I can feel it.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ......a long story.
I’m reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. They’ve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.
It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just can’t-elope
A book just fell on my head
I only have my shelf to blame
Why did the math book commit suicide?
Because he had a lot of problems.
My chemistry book from high school... I was bored.
A man died today when a pile of books fell on him
He only had his shelf to blame
For my birthday, my wife got me a book about social media.
It was a sweet gesture, but I already reddit.
After many years of procrastination I have finally finished my book on common herbs...
I’m reading a book about a world without gravity...
It’s impossible to put it down.
My maths book from high school... I’m sorry
Recently read a fascinating book about glue.
This book on Native American cooking.
My friend works in IT and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?”
He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”
I was reading this book on antigravity
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat...
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Probably the scariest book of them all
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.
But the fifth one— dead Sirius.
I’ve been reading this book on Anti-Gravity.
So far it has been impossible to put down.
Two books meet in a Library. One says ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..
... Just had my Appendix removed.
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
Today my daughter asked "Can I have a book mark?"
I couldn't help but cry... She is 14 and still doesn't know my name is John.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears...
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
If my bookcase realizes it wants to store dishes instead of books, it has reached shelf actualization.
I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.
Somebody had ripped the appendix out.
How do you call a book where you write all of your crappy stories?
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.
It was impossible to put down.
Every time I travel to a new city, I like to take a picture of myself in front of the tomes of books...
I just have to take shelfies!
So I was reading the book "Caps For Sale" to my seven year old kid...
He looks at the peddler and goes, "wow, that guy really has a lot on his head!"
Did my math book just make a pun..?
This book was shortened too much.
Sat at the PC gaming last night and a bloody book hit me on the head!
I only have my shelf to blame!
What did the frog say to the librarian when he returned his books?
Whats an alchoholics favourite book?
What do you say to a vampire when he graduates? (and other monster jokes from a book I had)
Countdraculations.
What is 5m. tall, hairy and flies at 2,179 km/h?
A King Kongcorde.
What do witches use to know the hour?
A witch watch.
What do you call a chicken spirit?
A poultrygeist.
And one mine:
What do you call a house inhabited by a chicken spirit?
A hen-ted house.
My friend lied when he said he didn’t make an entire book out of cloth.
His story was completely fabricated.
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years?
What do you call a well brewed book?
Why didn’t the man book an appointment with the doctor who said she only accepts patients with personal gifts?
How does the computer programmer order all her books?
By the Dewey Hexadecimal System!
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
Whattdya call a bullet proof Irishman ??????
I wrote a book about the most comfortable ways to sleep in a coffin.
They wouldn't publish it though, the publisher said that the intended audience was a dead market.
I just published a book on how to prevent skin injuries and minor burns.
I tried using an old math book as bait when fishing
Turns out that math wasn’t the best topic for
De bait
I’ve been writing a book on weight loss.
I hope it will appeal to a wide audience.
I have a feeling that there is something wrong with my Braille book.
I can’t quite put my finger on it.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called '1,001 cures for itches.'
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Now to find the right book store
Why did James Bond keep his library book?
Because it was Due Another Day
My best friend growing up is a famous author of marine life books now.
He's mostly known for his polyp fiction.
Chris Eubank has just written a book about Ethics.
If it’s a success, his next one will be about Kent.
There should be a yearly award for best new comic book.
Call it the Stan Lee Cup.
What did the frog say when it browsed the used book bin?
I've just finished a really good book entitled 'Acted' - I don't really understand the relevance of the title, but the book is about censorship. Anyway, I think everyone should
I'm reading a book titled "The Stockholm Syndrome."
I hated it at first, but now I love it.
*On a date*
Date: So, what do you do?
Me: * holds up menu * you just pick one from this picture book of meals.
To make extra money, my professor forces all the students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.
I've just started reading a book about Fort Knox,
but I'm finding it really hard to get into it.
Finally finished my huge book on the history of clocks.
For sale: Book titled "The Dangers of Materialism"
I used a dad joke from here on my dad and he already knew it. I asked him how and he said...
Have you heard about the new winged book?
It just flies off the shelves...
I’m thinking of ending my book with God sending a letter to the main character.
A Deus Fax Machina, if you will.
If you can't find the right book...
Do you see the video of Sean Connery on Zoom with the books falling on him?
He said " Sho Shorry, only got myshelf to blame "
Today my son typed "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. "Billy, please stop reposting the same joke for karma, everyone will hate you."
"Then give me the damn bookmark."
I gave him the bookmark.
He finally won.
A sailor wrote a book about how to win a woman’s heart
It’s called “The Art of Seaduction”
My Dad comes into my room looking really worried, I ask him what was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help, He responds by saying "I lost the book which had all the photos and message from my friends"
Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.
Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"
And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.
One of the oldest pun in the book
Book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book
You just read a lot of books.
Police say a man died after being crushed under a pile of books
He only has his shelf to blame.
I was reading a book on Helium
Why did the Math book look so sad ?
Because it had a lot of problems
A book just fell on my head.
I only have my shelf to blame.
I’ve just been reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down!
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity
It's impossible to put down
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity...
...it’s impossible to put down.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat...
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
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