I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine?
He’s fully recovered now.
(Credit to Colin Mochrie)
Bill Gates meets Arnold Schwarzenneger at a party and asks him if he's upgraded to Windows 10 yet? Big Arnie replies.......
"Ah still love Vista Baby....."
Sometimes I use big words I don't understand
Just to make me sound more photosynthesis
I bought a record player the other day, but it only plays Bach.
It would be nice if it played forward too.
Where did Noah keep a record of his bees?
My friend writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter. Or sew it seams.
I like to collect records
It’s my decision and that’s vinyl!
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
For years I’ve been searching through record shops trying to find rare original U2 vinyls
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
The Beatles once recorded a song about a blue underwater vehicle.
My wife always make a big deal out of her periods .
I'd say she is ovary-acting .
I want to be buried with my record collection.
That would be my vinyl resting place.
What is a machine guns' favorite breakfast meal?
Don't put Coins inside the Washing Machine!
My wife called me a sex machine
Well, her exact words were, “You’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant.
I got a new snow cone machine.
It’s really been crushing it.
Big Foot is sometimes confused for Sasquatch
Using one word, how do you get Doc Brown into his time machine?
Two big girls walk into a bar
Two big girls walk into a bar
They order drinks, in a thick accent.
"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.
Offended, one of them replies *"Wales!"*
"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
The Beatles tried recording an alphabet song....
But never made it past the Letter B Letter B Letter B Letter B
(Sing it you know you want to!)
My underprivileged friend will only listen to the b side of his records.
It’s like he lives on the other side of the tracks.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no Time.”
What did they call the Mexican-Arab slot machine?
People say I’m like a broken record
People say I’m like a broken record
Yet another job lost to machines
For Sale...Broken Quiz Machine.
A cat got into the guiness world record book
After I went to the dentist, I went and recorded a gospel album. My mouth was still numb, so I was drooling the whole time.
The album's called "Songs of Salivation".
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines.
. ....................But catscan.
My parents always pushed me to get a big job. So i worked at a soda company just to sprite them.
I found an old vinyl record of insect sounds.
I put it on, expecting relaxing ambient sounds like cicadas and such, but all I got was a droning buzz. That's when I realized that I was playing the bee side.
What do you call a cat in a vending machine
Big shout out to my fingers...
I can always count on them!
So I'm not fat but I tried the rowing machine
I was caught cheating in a big tongue-twister tournament
The judge is bound to give me a tough sentence
Do they allow loud, big, hearty laughs in Hawaii?
Or does it have to be aloha?
There was a fog machine on sale, but I didn't have enough cash.
It was a mist opportunity.
Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine?
He wanted his Quarter back.
What kind of fax machine did the Trump Administration use?
An alternative facts machine.
My house has one really big window.
It's a huge pane to clean.
If you have trouble believing someone is telling the truth or not; ask them if they like big butts
Has anyone actually ever seen Big Foot?
Accidentally knocked my grandmas ashes into a fog machine....
What’s big, grey, and asks a lot of questions?
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working.
It doesn’t make any cents.
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
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