A mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he could behave..

β€œWhy do I always have to pay you to be good”

Why can’t you be a good for nothing like your dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Pandas are already so cute and loveable. I don't know why they behave so ridiculously as well.

I think they're just pandaring to their audiences

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kliffypoo
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2018
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my grandfather told the family to behave themselves when I brought my girlfriend over for dinner

He told my brothers and even my dad to be on their best behaviour, and not to be making inappropriate jokes at the dinner table.

We'd just sat down to dinner when he turned and asked my girlfriend

"What do you call a gay dinosaur? Mega Sore Ass!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roryok
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
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A man goes into a pet store to buy a puppy to keep his horses company in their stable.

"What's the best breed for horses like those you'd see in the old west movies," he asks the owner, "my mares are just like that." The owner thinks for a minute, then replies "Dachshund."

The man is surprised, and replies "are you sure about that? I was picturing something bigger that wouldn't get trampled on." The owner nods, and says "Yup, it's just like the movies - if you want your horses to behave, you get a long little doggie."

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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Why is F the worst behaved letter?

Because it's not E.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nerd_of_gods
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2015
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Ewok moms are always happy with how well behaved their kids are at home.

They are always using their Endor voices.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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Read about another passenger behaving crazy on a plane

Must be something in the air

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ponas66
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2018
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The sign at the pub said "Well-behaved kids welcome, bad kids will be baked into pies"

"Just the knees?", I asked. I'm a dad even when my daughter's not around, gotta keep my game up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coachlasso
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
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So I used to collect those little cardboard discs with pictures on...

One time I took a bunch of them with me to Abu Dhabi and while most of them were fine one behaved very weirdly, splitting and separating like it was in the humid air of the tropics. Very strange. I even wrote a letter about it to a listings magazine, which began:

"What's On, I commend to your attention the curious incident of the POG in the dry clime."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoneKharnivore
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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Why was the pancake arrested?

Because he was behaving un-waffle-ly

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chasing_the_wind
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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I just returned from a blind date...

I shutter to think of the possibilities with her!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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A waitress was taking an order from a dad and a 4 year old at a table.

The kid kept screaming, screeching poorly-articulated profanities at the disinterested father. Over the screaming chaos, the father managed to order a water for himself, and an orange juice for his kid. The waitress came by with the drink, and within moments the kid smashed his cup onto the floor out of pure, unaimed toddler rage, spilling the drink all over the floor and the waitress.

The father apologized, but asked if the gremlin could still have a second orange juice, hoping the kid would miraculously calm down. The waitress conceded despite the terribly behaved toddler, and returned to the shrieking zone with a second orange juice. She had forgotten to clean up the puddle of orange juice however, and slipped. The cup of juice went straight into the kid's face, and like a fire extinguisher to a flame, the kid just went silent, as if a lesson had been learned. Everyone in the restaurant looked at the table in silence.

Juice twice had finally been served.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TahLoow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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Saw this online. Thought you would like it

My grandfather or Pa, as I called him gave my an absolute gem.

He was actually my step mother's dad and we already called my other grandfather Papa, so we called him 'Pa Ulb' - Ulb being his surname.

He was an incredible artist and would paint awesome things for us or on our bedroom walls. I remember he painted me a massive Star Wars piece on one of my walls when Episode 1 came out. I was only about about 6 at the time and remember being scared of Darth Maul. From this we used to joke around that Darth Maul would come and get me if I did anything wrong. Sort of like a police officer watching my every move, to ensure I behaved.

This carried on as a joke until he died 2 years ago, when I had done something wrong he said he'd call the police and get Maul to take me away. When he did die he had just finished an incredible painting of Darth Maul as a police officer. It was amazing! My parents could make sense of it and weren't sure if it was him that had painted it, so they flipped it over because he used to always write Pa Ulb Art and the title of the painting.

Surely enough on the back it said Pa ulb Art - Maul Cop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/herper
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2015
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Frozen Dad joke

I am currently working at an art camp for kids in elementary school. It's mainly girls and they all love frozen. When they behave well do their work we put on music. Today I gave in and tried to put on the sound track but the computer froze so I said "it's frozen... Literally." No laughter and lots of whining. Asked one of my coworkers what to do and he said just leave it alone and don't worry about it. To which I replied "so I should just let it go?." I received a slow clap from my coworkers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shmellooo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
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What's it with Eminem and Dad jokes?

I mean... just look at those:

- Why has Gwen Stacy been on the web lately?

to spite her man. -River

- Why do you carry a Laptop in your back pocket?

Because rapping like a computer must be in my genes. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem blow?

All he did was throw f-bombs - Rap God

- Why did Eminem buy the rap game a maxi pad?

Because it's having a rough time period. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem look so shocked when he watched a church gathering take place?

He was witnessing a mass occur. - Rap God

- How could Eminem poop Jerusalem?

Because his shit is real. - Caterpillar

- Why is Eminem so ill-behaved?

He's got a couple of mansions, but still no mannors. - Lucky You

And these are just a select few.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DenaPhoenix
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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Why was the painter mad at the sketch artist?

The painter was mad at the sketch artist because he was behaving "Sketchy" and he crossed the "Line".

heuueueueue.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
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Why did the chicken fall into the well?

Because it couldn't see that well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tschenoble
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2016
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Little sister dad-joked me

She won't stop telling her joke too...

Me: I'll start this video again when you behave. (She was biting my shoulder)

Little Sister: Who's Have? (Pronounced like the "have" in behave)

Me: What?

Little Sister: WHO'S HAVE? WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO BE HAVE?

Me: I'm so done with you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Madeofthumbs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2014
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At Parent-Teacher Conferences

Teacher: He's very smart and well behaved! Dad: I guess we'll keep him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/olszak
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
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GF came to visit at work. Got a two-fer!

Long, but worth it. GF visits me at work, I sneak up behind her and pinch her butt. She jumps, turns and asks "Why do you always do that?!" Me: "What?" GF: "Misbehave?" Me: "Sounds like a naughty teacher." GF: "huh?" Me: "Miss Behave, she sounds like a naughty teacher." GF groans and slaps me on the shoulder as a Female Co-worker walks by. FC: "Dunno what you did, but I'm sure you deserved that." GF: (to FC) "He did." (To me) "Who's that?" Me: "Oh, that's Missus LeJoke" (cue cheesey grin :D) GF realizes what I said, rolls eyes, groans "oh jeesus", facepalms, and walks away chuckling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schmeerdawg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2014
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My dads favorite dad joke.

So like many of us, my father is basically a child inside an adult body. He loves to be annoying and pushing our buttons. That being said.

"Dad behave!"

"Tell me what a have is and I'll be one."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Djbeastcakes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2014
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Can't even walk through the house

So I was moving a chair from one room to another, carrying it through the hallway

Dad: "Everybody behave, it's the chairman!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeopardusMaximus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
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