Been Puns

Ground him until he conducts himself properly.

Edit: Thanks for the upvolts and awards. Gotta go, my son just flipped a breaker!

She said, “yes, the other’s were nines and tens.”

She asked me, "How old is that wine?"

To which I replied, "Old enough to drink!"

True story, first post, hope it ages well.

The police have been working tirelessly to catch him

I can feel it.

The one is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

Authorities still haven’t determined how the fire started,but they say one of the residents of the Cathedral has a hunch.

Until I rode pasta

Ethel lived with her parents on one side of town, and Dan had an apartment to himself on the other side. Ethel tried to visit Dan as often as she could but it was two buses each way to visit Dan. Ethel decided to get a car to make the trip to see Dan easier. Do you know what sort of car she got? Sedan.

He is currently building his cabinet.

He loaves his job

My daughter will be 4 in December and I've been teaching her jokes involving animals and the sounds they make. I had taught her;

What do ducks eat? Quackers

What's a cows favourite place to go? To the mooovies.

She thought they were hilarious and for the next few days I would ask her to tell me a joke and she would repeat one of these jokes and we would laugh together. I asked her this morning to tell me a joke expecting one of these same jokes that she knows, then she took me by surprise by asking;

Why was the sheep on the naughty step?

I was taken aback and wondered where it was going, so I replied;

I don't know. Why was the sheep on the naughty step?

Coz he was a baaaad boy.

Few moments of stunned silence then me and the wife looked at eachother, then burst into fits of laughter while my daughter beamed with pride. Her twin brother is often on the naughty step for being a 'bad boy' and I'm thinking that she has put 2 and 2 together and came up with infant/toddler comedy gold. Very clever, and very proud dad.

SO: Where do Rainbows go when they are bad?

Me: Idk you got me on that one..

SO: They go to Prism......

     *crickets chirping*

SO: but dont worry its just a LIGHT sentence!

It still hasn't arrived yet.

Alfred: “Master Bruce, what’s a htub?”

She's a teacher

I said "I certainly do. IT'S FRIDAY!"

..I don't have a Son.

He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.

It just wasn’t rational

They're really raising the steaks

Nope. They're all stationery.

He told me it originally belonged to his grandfather, and it happened to also be a grandfather clock

I said "well then, it's not just a grandfather clock, is it?"

He asked what I meant

I said "it's a great grandfather clock"

He groaned, but conceded the laugh at the end

But I just realized I only have to quit cold turkey

So far no one has given me a straight answer.

Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs

A: Tentin Quarantino

I said ‘…. It’s Wednesday?’

Omission.

The dry erase board is the most remarkable.

There’s a quarterback and a running back, but I’ve yet to see the hunchback.

So I got her a magazine rack

I should finally call it a day.

I woke up absolutely exhausted.

My brother needs a turkey friar ASAP for our Thanksgiving. Apparently the one he was going to use had burned up. Poor guy!

I him asked if it was self immolation, but he didn't know what the heck I was talking about.

I sat down in this bright green chair and out of nowhere, my voice changed. I started talking funny. My buddy says “ Oh yeah, that there is the new accent chair.”

Turns out I just needed a new pair of Sketchers.

Secretly (when my wife was out), I'd ask her "who do you love more?", and praise her when she said "dadda!". This has been going on for weeks now.

The other day, my wife got home and I wanted to show her my little 'trick'. So I asked our daughter, "Who do you love more?", in which case she replied "dadda!" and ran towards my wife (which is very clearly her favourite btw).

My wife, who didn't care much for the new thing I taught our daughter, bent down and picked her up to cuddle with her. Her facial expression changed a bit, then she laughed. She looked at me and said "well, she ran to me as she said that, and her diaper is full... so clearly she was full of crap when she said that!"

My wife is now in on the dad jokes and won this one!

Edit: Bolded the text to emphasize what part of this story was the dad joke...

Final Edit: My wife was surprised at how much this blew up! She says thanks to everyone, but she has no idea what the awards are for (since she doesn’t use Reddit). 😂

You may be entitled to condensation.

There is no Cure.

He leaves a spooky dookie!

this joke has been rated kids 4 years old and below

Luckily the basement tenant doesn’t mind at all.

Shed really hid the fan.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch him

So I grounded him until he conducts himself properly.

Ground him until he conducts himself properly.