It's been 6 months since I've had chicken.
With the crazy year 2020 has been, if Trump wins again would it be... arMAGAddon?
I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store.
Clothes, but no cigar.
It’s been more than 15 years since the show was over, but people are still making ‘Friends’ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
This isn’t mine and I don’t know who made it, but it’s been on my phone for so many years and I haven’t seen it on here yet. I hope you all love it as much as I do.
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
There was a locked metal box at an auction. The auctioneer said it was from the 1920’s and owned by really wealthy man. There could’ve been some really valuable stuff in it or it could just be empty. I didn’t want to bid anymore than $100 on it.
I thought it was a safe bet.
My wife, who's eight months pregnant, asked me if I worry that it's been too hot recently for our baby inside her. I reassured her...
“Nah, it’s probably womb temperature!"
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
Arrgh, I finally figured out why I haven't been successful in my pirate career, it's all because of my spine...
...it's always been holding me back.
I've been Internet hacking for almost thirty years, and now I want to give it up.
Can someone point me to an Anonymous Anonymous group?
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
My family has been getting stir crazy. So we decided to take our son to the local zoo. Problem is, it’s a small zoo. They only have one animal. It’s a dog.
It’s a real Shih Tzu.
This whole subreddit has been taken over by puns, it's like there's a pundemic
I’ve just been reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down!
It has actually been confirmed in a recent Batman comic that Robin's dick has no color at all.
Dick gray, son!
It’s been a long running tradition for my family to, once a year, jog to the nearest clothes store and back
I guess it just runs in the jeans
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone. But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them.
I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that.
It's amazing how many large events have been cancelled recently.
It has been an unconventional year.
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
It's been 2 days since the Wi-Fi has stopped working............
.........I wonder when will my neighbour pay her bill?
It has been a while since I was able to go see my barber...
...so I invited him to comb over to my house.
I've been to visit my grandmother's grave three times this week and each time someone has mysteriously covered it in gravy granules.
The plot thickens.
My daughter wants a boyfriend, but hasn't been asked out yet. To comfort her, I bought her a little lamb, and named it "Relation".
It's officially her first relationsheep.
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
Oops, wrong sub
Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side.
I mean, imagine all the peepholes.
It's been months since I've had a mutton kebab
I just can't seem to find a lamb doner
It has been revealed that Germany has the lowest rate of Coronavirus in the world
It's because they wash their Hans
Idk if this had been posted before, but I like it a lot.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
I still miss my favorite beanie, it's been lost for awhile.
I toque it for granted.
Only part of my leg fell asleep but it's been asleep a long time
I fear I have coma toes
It’s been written before and I’m sure it will be written again, the dry erase board is so remarkable...
*written on before...*written on again... some jerk keeps rubbing it off 😁
This light in the bathroom at my office has been out for a year. Today it was finally replaced. One might say it was the “highlight” of my day
I recently misplaced some of my game pieces for Yahtzee, and honestly it’s been hell, so I decided to make some posters to put up around the apartment complex:
Pair of dice, LOST.
Thanks to my dedication, my watch always has the right time. It's never been wrong.
Not on my watch.
My wife said, “I’ve been looking for my datebook for hours. Have you seen it?”
Me: It looks like..... you have a hidden agenda.
It’s been a busy day, so I was planning on making some herbal tea..
But I just can’t seem to find the thyme!
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
It seems spaghetti has been dethroned by
.. macorona.
Man it’s been a while since I last logged into reddit
It was at least last year
Danger, Fear, and Panic came knocking at my door. It'd been ten years since the last visit, and all holding clipboards, were ready to begin the inquisition. Nervously, I opened the door and prepared myself to answer their calling.
"Sense us."
I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like only yesterday.
It’s our wedding anniversary today. My wife and I have been happily married for two years now.
1995 and 2009.
It should've been here to begin with /r/Jokes/comments/f120n4/…
I've never been able to beat my school's high jump record and it keeps me up at night to this day...
I just can't get over it
It’s the end of work on Friday, it’s been a long week, and all my bones are just like the capital city of the Holy Roman Empire.
They’re Aachen.
Today has been a great day so far. I rate it 10/10
The results of the post-mortem were in, and it was clear the man had been murdered with a plate of mild curry.
A Blunt Force Korma
I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream... I can't wait to rub it in!
Please help. What does this pun mean? I've been staring at it for 3 hours. Friend who went to Crete.
It's been very busy at work and everyone is stress eating. A lot of us are snacking on Doritos and I know exactly why
It's cruch time.
I told my daughter, “Its always been my dream to walk you down the aisle.”
She said, “Dad, we are grocery shopping.”
I haven't been very composed today, and it just keeps getting worse...
I guess you could say I'm decomposing.
Not sure if this has been posted here before. I found it on Facebook cause I suck.
I’ve been working a long time. My job is hard, unfulfilling and honestly, doesn’t pay that great. I think it’s time for a change of pace for me. I’ve decided to go into a completely different direction and become a pig rancher.
It’s the only way I can bring home the bacon.
Alright....time for a classic. The Ceo of Datsun was talking to his other high ranking workers when it had just been founded and said, you have 2 days to come up with a name for our company
The workers in a thick Japanese accent said DAT SOON
I kept my comb even though it's been over ten years since I went bald...
I just couldn't part with it.
Its been 3 months and they have'nt noticed my disguise yet
Cop: "I'm sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."
Dad: "Yeah, but she has a great personality."
I've been studying up on my slang and applying that to my pick up game, so far it's been successful.
More of a thot experiment really.
Dont know if you've all heard, but there's been an email going around about canned meats. Whatever you do, do NOT open it...
It's Spam.
It's been 6 months now since I joined the gym and I still haven't lost any weight....
Maybe it's time I went down there to see what's going on
My Life has been nothing but a disaster and if Just One More Thing fails for me, I think it'll be time to call it Quits.
Hmm...my racehorses really do have some strange names.
It's been a rough year. I've been to 3 funerals.
And I'm not a mourning person.
I got a call at work the other day from a doctor at the hospital. He says "I have some bad news... It looks like your wife has been hit by a bus."
I said "But she has a great personality."
Thought you guys would enjoy this if it hasn’t already been posted
Probably already been posted but thought it was funny anyway
(Sorry if it’s already been posted) Underwood street in Sydney
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
When my father died, in his will he gave me his toupee. He said it has been passed down for generations in our family.
It's a family hair-loom.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since
I'm sure it has been done, but chicken fried rice! Found at a resort tempenaki restaurant.
It’s just as I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
Got myself stranded today so I rang my wife. She called me an idiot but it’s been 45 minutes and they still haven’t turned up.
I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store.
Clothes, but no cigar.
I went to my local tobacconist to discover that it has been replaced by a clothing store...
Clothes, but no cigar.
It’s been almost 15 years since the show ended, and I can’t believe people are still making Friends references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like it was only yesterday.
It's our wedding anniversary today. My wife and I have been happily married for two years now.
1995 and 2009.
Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side?
I mean, imagine all the peepholes!
Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend’s been hit by a truck”
Man: “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality”
