I received the fastest ban alive.
They really wanted to be Gs
Sure makes Stevie Wonder.
I Drew Barrymore
Apparently they have a no flash photography rule
Eh, they had their shot.
He said it turned into a flash mob.
One of my wife's bosses is from China with the family name Wong.
Wife was telling me that said boss just had a baby a few months ago.
(At this moment, my dad powers started kicking in...)
Me: "Huh, that's cool. When her husband visits the office next time, you should ask them if the baby's Caucasian."
Wife: "What?! Why?"
Me: Cause I wanna know if two 'Wongs' make a 'White'..."
Her eyes rolled so hard they detached.
Edit: Thanks for front page folks! Glad I could make you laugh (or groan...)
Edit 2: Thank you for the gold!
Edit 3: WIFE'S IN THE THREAD!! Abort! Abort! Wee woo wee woo wee woo
Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?
but I drew Barry more
Barry R.
http://imgur.com/gallery/QeW3gl4
Bartender says “Sure... If you say so. Now please leave.”
Guy says, “No really I can prove it.” *turns to dog * “Dog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes “Roof.”
Bartender says “Very clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?”
Guy goes “No no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” Dog goes “Ruff.”
Bartender says “This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
Guy says “Wait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog replies “Ruth”
Bartender: “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!”
Guy and dog leave.
Outside dog turns to guy and says “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”
since he was already Barry fast.
^(sighs)
My dad however, is very proud of me.
If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?
I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.
If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?
China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.
I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?
I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.
I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.
I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"
I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".
If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?
If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?
My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.
I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.
Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.
Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.
You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"
A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p
... keep reading on reddit ➡I'm brazilian and in Brazilian portuguese is very common to ask something from someone (mainly food) by saying "me dá um pouco/pouquinho disso?" (which means "would you give me a little of that?")
Everytime I do that to my dad, he uses two fingers to take the tiniest possible slice of the thing and give to me in my hand or plate with the most serious face possible. If I complain he procceeds to say something like "you asked a little, didn't you?". My mom everytime laughs at that.
There was two farms next to each other, separated by a long fence. The two farmers were called nick and Barry. They were both very resourceful farmers, using each and every square inch of land to grow on. Both would tend to their crops twice a day every single day, and became friends. However, both farmers were penny pinchers, and would often try and take a few extra crops from the other side of the fence, which lead to arguments. One day, Barry came out to tend his crops, but nick did not appear once. This continued for several days. Both sets of crops continued to grow, along and up the fence, eventually intertwining. Both farmers were growing wheat. After around 5 days, Barry came out and to his delight, saw nick tending to his harvest. However, this delight soon changed to frustration as he saw nick taking extra crops from his side. "Where have you been, and what do you think you're doing?" He exclaimed. "I'm taking in my wheat, and I haven't been out for a few days due to illness. I've been feeling queasy and dizzy when I stand up, with a throbbing pain in my head each time. But it's ok, they're only headaches." "Oh I don't think so mister" said Barry.
"Those are my grains!"
Creating a superhero for a project in english and we came up with the Loan Shark, just need names for what he goes by when he isn't fighting student debt. We thought Finn for his first name, but can't come up with anything else.
You cantaloupe
Hey guys, I am working on a video project for AP Calc and am doing the bee move, but everytime they say bee a formula is introduced, then the next time an example. We are writing the formulas on yellow paper and writing in black sharpies because black amd yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, ahh yellow and black. Anyqay, I need space fillers on the sheets of paper, so bee puns! I need a bunch, so do your thing!
We are also dressing up in bee costumes to take pictures of the formulas amd photoshopping our teachers face onto Barry Bee Benson
Found this one on r/comics, and thought dadjokes would appreciate it.
My dad: "We have a guy at work whose name is Barry Blue. Guess what we call him?"
Me: "I don't know. Blueberry?"
My dad: "..no.. We call him Barry. Why would we call him Blueberry? He might get mad".
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
We've been watching the Flash, which is awful TV at its finest. You'd expect anyone to watch this to enjoy some good punnery, but that's not the case. I texted this to my girlfriend and got a condescending "Oh, honey..." in response.
My text: "If someone sculpted Barry Allen out of clay, you could call him Adobe Flash."
I swear she loves me but I don't always know why.
Thanks to the following individuals for helping persuade me to become vegan:
Ron Acerous, Sal Amander, Herb Avore, Chic Adee, Al Bacore, Paul R Baer, Al Batros, Wally Bee, Lady Bugg, Jay Byrd, Ann Chovie, Anna Condra, Barry Cuda, Terry Dactyl, Ray N Deer, Flo N Der , Erma Dillo, Ann Enome, Terry Err, Liz Erd, Ann Fibian, Dale Finn, Redd Fox, Buddy Fly, Ken Garoo, Allie Gator, Billy Goat, Pan Guin, Ann Gus, Hal Ibut, Bob Katz, Tom Katz, Anne Kelosaurous, Don Key, Ann T. Lope, Moe Lusk, C. Lyon, Chip Monk, Flo Mingo, Sal Mon, Anna Mull, Barr Nicole, Kay Nine, Kyle Otee, Al Paca, Lia Pard, Millie Pede, Ellie Phant, Arthur Podd, Jack Rabbit, Gerry Raffe, Ty Ranaceourous, Mack Rell, Wally Rus, Jack Russel, Fez Sant, Dina Sauer, Drew Sophila, Chris Station, Hal Steen, Clyde Sudale, Ann Teeter, Pan Ther, Earl Thurfworm, Tara Ann Tula, Bea Tule, Ray Venn, Bea Ver, and Beau Vine.
I couldn't have done it without your support !!!
Waiter/Waitress: Hi, my name is [insert name here] and I'll be your server.
Dad: Hi, my name is Barry and I'll be your customer.
Dad: Have you been to a duckdo?
Barry: What's a duckdo?
Dad: Quack quack.
You Barry him.
http://www.cheerupemokid.com/comic/closet
