I can't take my dog to the lake anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/XxDorrianxX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Just had the police tell my my dog attacked someone on a bike

I said it couldn't have been my dog, he doesn't own a bike

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yoru
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I cant take My dog to the pond anymore cuz the geese keep attacking him.

I guess thats whats I deserve for having a Pure bread dog

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tgm810
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I’ve never heard him complain

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NameViolation666
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A man was attacked by a police dog

Investigating officers have no leads.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/garrygra
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
🚨︎ report
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."

The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NeGuy1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time

For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max

During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said β€œwell then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”

I reply, β€œwell what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.

And without hesitation my dad replies, β€œwell he can’t lay eggs”

πŸ‘︎ 745
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Asian_dodo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Gave the wife the bird with this one.

Me- I got rid of the crows that attacked the dog today. I took them to a concert.

Wife- What?

Me- I got 3 of them. I was counting crows....

Wife- stop.

Me- yeah I think I murdered that joke...

Wife- please stop.

Me- looks like I’m eating crow on this one... Wife from the other room- omg are you done yet!?

Me- I’m giving you the bird right now! You humor sucks!

Wife- lol! You are an idiot!

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeoshua82
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad's favorite jokes from his opa (it runs in the family, evidently)
  1. All good things must come to an end, except for a hot dog, it has two.

  2. (While watching tv) I always wondered why they never invented smellovision... (although sadly that is now a "thing" because of that stupid Honey Boo Boo scratch'n'sniff...siiiigh)

  3. (When Opa had heart-attack symptoms and was getting a sonogram) So is it a boy or a girl? (apparently the humor was lost on the nurse)

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LuneMoth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
🚨︎ report
Not necessarily a dad joke, but a good retiree joke/brief story just using that wit.

A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club

Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thefluffydinosaur
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad joke that almost ended in 911 call.

I came downstairs from taking a shower. Everything was going great ... Until I looked out in the kitchen and saw my dad sprawled out facedown on the floor. I only saw his bottom half, and I was too afraid to look through the doorway and see what the hell happened. I instantly freaked out and started yelling. I don't even remember what I said, but it was something like "What's going on?!?" or "What happened here?!?!" I don't even know what was going on in my head. I thought he passed out or had a heart attack or something. My dog was standing over him staring, looking really confused.

I pulled out my phone and tried to dial my mom, but I was too nervous. Then I realized that was stupid and I should call 911. (Keep in mind I was so panicked/freaked out that I hadn't even seen his face... If he died or something I didn't want to see it. I was terrified.) The whole time I was yelling "What happened??! What's going on?!?!" I dialed the 9, maybe the 1...

And he stands up, laughing. He wanted to see how I would handle the situation. His explanation was he "thought it would be funny to see how I'd act."

I can't unsee it. I honestly thought he collapsed from a heart attack or something. He thought the whole thing was hilarious.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Saarnath
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2014
🚨︎ report
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keeps attacking him.

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for having a pure bread dog.

πŸ‘︎ 110
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zurcatnas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/anshbob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't take my dog to the park without all the ducks attacking him

I shouldn't have gotten a pure bread.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mcerk02
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't take my dog to the pond any more, the ducks keep attacking him.

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him

That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
We can't take our dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him...

Guess that's what we get for buying a pure bread dog...

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2017
🚨︎ report
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him...

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

πŸ‘︎ 228
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

I guess that's what I get for having a pure bred dog

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Armyman194
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

πŸ‘︎ 114
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/One_Day_Dead
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kaio-renwar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him....

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bread.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/you_buy_this_shit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.