Potterheads Assemble!

Fleur Fudge's Snape, how many times must I say that I Love-good Harry Potter Puns. I could Mun-go on and on. I don't wand you to feel bad tho.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheReal_BlueBoi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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I was trying to assemble ikea furniture..

I screwed it up !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phs_uw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
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Father helping son assemble a bike.

My dad shipped up a bike to my dorm and I got everything put together except the handle bar (there was a missing piece) and I texted him to tell him the situation. Here's how the conversation went.

Me: I think I got most of it... but I feel like I'm missing something cause I can't attach the handlebar.

Dad: Sounds like you just need to get a handle over the situation

Me: Oh dear... -.-

Dad: Haha I'm just... yanking your chain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LessThanNone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
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So my brother got a new bed and had to assemble it...

It was a double bed so it took up quite a part of the room.

Brother: There isn't much left of the room. (bed occupied a lot of space)

Dad: It's clearly turning into a BEDroom!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrogDie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2014
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what is a singers favourite laptop brand?

a dell

(hope you guys get it)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoundSandMan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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The re-opening of LEGO stores was the biggest event of 2020.

People were lined up for blocks!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dgpx89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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I told my wife I want to give up my high paying computer programming job to become a farmer. Astounded, she asked, β€œWhy in the world would you want to do that?” I replied,

β€œIt’s a growing industry.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/he_who_dared
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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What do you call it when a car writes its life story?

An auto-biography!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheIndrajitKar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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What did the aliens with some assembly required say?

We come in pieces.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-wao
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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This kid at the school assembly is my hero

Context: Our school was having a presentation at assembly from Together for Humanity - "a multi-faith not-for-profit organisation that is helping schools, organisations and communities to respond effectively to differences of culture and belief". The presenters were an orthodox Jew, a Muslim, a Christian and an atheist.

When they asked for questions at the end, my new hero asked "Have you ever gone to a bar together?"

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D-Nizzle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2017
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What did the dyslexic shoe based superheroes say when they assembled?

Shoe-per friends, untie!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vantair
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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My School was sponsored by Ikea.

Assembly took ages.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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Assembly instructions not included.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EquivalentCherry3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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My dad always said "as one door closes another one opens"

He never quite got the hang of assembling Ikea furniture.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Benmark97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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The assembly line...

I guess you could say it made transportation more afFORDable :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pluviophile111
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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I just watched an amazing documentary on aircraft frames assembly.

It was riveting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2018
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It was my first day on the job at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. My boss gave me the easiest, but most important, job on the assembly line. After a few hours, my boss frantically ran to my station to check in on me. "Why are you so far behind? Why are marbles and thread scattered everywhere?"

"Sorry boss... I just can't keep up! You told me to give each Elmo two test tickles!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PolarBurrito
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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Between the First Amendment's freedom of assembly and the Eighth Amendment's no cruel and unusual punishment, the US Constitution is basically saying "some assembly required, battery not included."
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sylvanussr
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2017
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Did you know that adult foxes are assembled?

They come from kits!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MidocTKirk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2017
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*Fixes tire balancer while working at assembly plant*

Now we're rolling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pittsburgh635
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2017
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While assembling Ikea furniture...

He got me THRICE. With practically the same. damn. pun.

Me: "10... 11... I can't find the last screw."

Dad: "Well, then we're screwed."

(15 minutes later)

Me: "Right, I'll do the screwing."

Dad: "I think that would count as incest."

(20 minutes later)

Me: "This screw isn't in properly."

Dad: "You have a screw loose."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rkh00
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2014
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Every morning my dad walks into his job assembling dolls at the factory...

...and he says, "Another day, another doll hair."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/K3R3G3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2016
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Don't trust assembly programs with a lot of immediately loaded values

They're full of li 's

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Comedynerd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2016
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I was assembling some steel trusses at work solo on Thursday and my production manager came up to me and said "Do you need a hand?"

I said "no, I've already got two"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xALmoN
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2016
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Don't you light things for me like that.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dankmonseiur69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2017
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My dad pulled the best (and only) dad joke I've ever heard him utter while we were assembling ginger bread houses.

Some family friends of ours needed our help mass producing some ginger bread houses for an event they do every year. They make an insane amount of pieces, so they need help cutting out the doors, windows, and over all assembly. The family friend, my dad, and myself were all cutting out windows and doors when this happened:

Me: Aw man, one of these pieces just broke.

Family Friend: It's alright, we have extra. But every time I see one fall apart I see 30 minutes of my life go away.

Dad: Well I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Me: loses it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveTheViking
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2014
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It’s a salt rifle.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunnyBlobby
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
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Why are the Avengers so good with tools?

They’re always assembling

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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My doctor just diagnosed me with extremely low blood pressure.

His prescription for me is to assemble two IKEA wardrobes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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TIL: All IKEA employees must attend a mandatory meeting every morning before they start their shift.

Assembly Required.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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Just got hired and I'm already *that* employee

Me: (assembling boxes) i'll watch out for that plant.

Boss: yes please do, i've had that fern since it was just a sprout.

Me: awww. they grow up so fast.

Boss: yes. it'll probably start going to college soon.

Me: think it'll go to an... ivy league?

Boss: ...

Me: ...

Boss: ...

Me: ...so yeah I'll just pack these boxes and watch out for the plant.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winnersbitch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2014
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Thor, The Hulk, and Captain America meet at Ikea

The Avengers: Some Assembly Required

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GarrityG
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
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Nissan plant Explosion!!

In other news today a Nissan plant had an explosion in one of the assembly areas.One bystander was heard to say "Oh look, It's raining Datsun cogs."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2017
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Pillowcases

I recently purchased a new bed and had the joy of trying to find all the necessary accessories for a California King bed. After spending a full Sunday with my girlfriend bouncing around different home stores, we finally have all the sheets, duvet covers and bed skirts we need. We've assembled our new frame and I start putting the bedding on our mattress. I'm struggling with getting everything put on and call out, "uh oh, I think we got some phony pillow cases."

Fear and anxiety paint her face as she rushes over and asks "what's wrong?!"

I quip back at her, "yeah, this thing is a sham!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/payne_train
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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Dad's dating violence joke

Dad: What did you do at school today? Me: I went to a dating violence assembly. Dad: Why would you ever want to date violence. Me: groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ace7195
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2015
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[For Canada] I asked a friend when Justin Trudeau was expected to take office...

...and she said that it was soon, probably shortly after he assembles his cabinet.

Mr Prime Minister, my wife and I just shop at Ikea, and we can knock out something like that in an hour or two, assuming we have the right tools. I live near you, so let me know if you need any help, but you might want to get started on it; the country's waiting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robot_cousin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2015
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Got my mom with this one yesterday.

Yesterday started a new motocross season for my nephew, so for his inaugural race a bunch of family went to watch him. I'm an amateur/hobbyist photographer so I brought my telephoto zoom lens out and my Canon body to get a few shots of him on the track. The assembled camera is about 18 inches in length. After putting it together:

Mom (first seeing it): Holy crap! That thing looks like a damn cannon!

Me: (pointing to the label) You sure know your cameras, it is a Canon!

Typical dad joke responses ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Primacron
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2016
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Imagine, if you will, a futuristic dystopian society

In this society, companies and businesses are not legally allowed to give themselves a name. Instead, companies are ID's alphanumerically. The first businesses were Corporation A, Company B, Business C, ... Organization Z, Company A1, etc.

The world's current largest corporation is Company B. They're particularly known for their robotics manufacturing. One day, Company B had just finished the design for two new robots. One that would automatically play blues songs on a record player at the press of a button. (What we know today as a jukebox) The other was a companion robot for lonely people, modeled after a beagle.

Unfortunately, when the final version of these robots were being manufactured for a worldwide release, there was an error in the automated assembly line. This error caused the two robots to be built simultaneously, creating a single robot.

The resulting product came to be known as the Boogie Woogie Beagle Bot of Company B.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMcSwaggerton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2015
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The store I used to work at had a customer drive into the building...

For the next month, every dad in my town went through my line saying "Huh, I didn't know you had a drive thru." One right after the other, it was like a dad assembly line from hell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Assdolf_Shitler
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2016
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Which one of you did this?

http://imgur.com/NaFwtfj

Purchased a new shelf. Found this in the assembly instructions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExiledAmerican
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2016
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Dads Working Together Episode 2

It's been a while since my first post, but its hard to remember all the dad jokes that fly around our assembly line after working all night. Anyway, on to the joke:

The 3 usual dads on my line (Paul, Kevin, and myself) were talking when were approached by John carrying a step ladder. "This is my step ladder. I never new my real ladder." Then walked away as we all howled with laughter.

Hopefully post can be more frequent. I have considered writing this stuff down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kendred13
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2015
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My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.

He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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