Setting: My partner and I are sitting on the couch watching the Leafs v Bruins hockey game
Background: my partner loves puns, LOVES them and makes like 20+ pun jokes a day. I’m horrible with puns and have made like two in my entire life.
Here’s what happened: Hockey game: Boston dude is on the ground, leafs dude is on top of him, looks like there’s going to be a fight
Me: looks like there’s a fight a-brewin’
Partner: BRUIN! A-BRUIN (chuckles manically)
Me: damn, I just fell backwards right into that
Him: of course you didn’t do it on purpose (still chuckling, high fives me)
I was so impressed with my accidental pun My first thought was - I have to share this on reddit! (He’s still chuckling, btw)
Edited for formatting (mobile user, yada yada)
Sister (about bites she found on my niece in our family group text chat): it's fleas, I just found one biting her. I'm effing ticked!
Father: no, you're flea'd, not ticked, duh.
Story time:
So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.
Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"
Me: "Yes mom."
Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"
Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."
Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
I thought it was really sharp, but I told my friends, and it just fell flat.
Don't worry, they're OK now.
My daughter found a glue stick in her coat pocket today that she mistakenly took from school. I asked her if sticky fingers were to blame.
I recently tore all the ligaments in my ankle and I’m still in rehab. I was on the sidewalk concentrating on my crutches when a construction worker popped up in front of me. Initially I thought he was going to tell me I was walking under something dangerous; halfway through I thought he was going to ask me out; then Jesus happened:
“Hey, that looks like it hurts!”
“Naw, it’s not bad, it’s much better now.”
“Running? Skiing? How’d you do it?”
“Rock climbing.”
“Rock climbing! Wow, so you must be strong, eh?”
“Yeah, I’m ripped.”
“ … ripped? Really?”
“Yeah, I’m super ripped.”
“ … oh. Wow. Not joking.”
“Yeah, I’m joking. I’m not actually ripped.”
“ … ahaha … hah. That was good.”
“Yep.”
“So, I’m Christian.”
“Hi, Christian.”
“... and I don’t know if you’ve read the Bible, but the Bible says that laying on of hands, especially for our fellow Christians, will heal. And I’ve …” etc.
It took me a block to realize that I’d accidentally made a Dad joke.
My great aunt died recently. My mom called and told me at school. I guess my aunt had fallen asleep on the couch and never woke up. She had an enlarged heart, the doctors said, and it gave out on her while she was sleeping.
I didn't really know my aunt, but my mom grew up with her. So I asked my mom if she was okay.
"Yeah I'm okay," she said. "I will miss her, but she died peacefully. She was a good woman. She had a really big heart."
My wife and I ate at red lobster last night after our marriage ceremony (we're having a reception in a few weeks when all of our family and friends are actually available).
Well, my wife accidentally choked on whatever she was eating.
After she got done coughing..
> Me: Are you alright?
> Her: Yes. Fine! It just scared me. I'll be back. I'm going to run to the restroom.
> Me: Okey-Dokey-Arti-Chokey!
> Her: groans and rolls eyes
I was confused until she got a few steps away and then I said under my breath
> Me: "heh.. Arti-chokey"
I laughed silently to myself and reminded her of what I said when she got back to the table.
I threw a light bulb in the glove compartment of my car, because it had burnt out at work, i'd swapped it, and put it in my pocket. I had put a black X on it in sharpie to mark it as bad. Some months later, someone was digging and found it. He asked me why i left it in the glove box, and i told him "yeah, i guess that's a bad idea." He slapped me at the next red light.
I am a single father of two boys that are 8 and 10. These conversations happen way to regularly around the dinner table.
My Oldest: "Dad I think pooping is a waste of time" Me: "Yea, a solid waste of time"
I didn't realize the pun until a few moments after I had said it.
I'm a second year university student. I was walking back to my room and walked into an acquaintance. We're both computer geeks more or less, and I was carrying my laptop with me. I started making some simple smalltalk when he noticed my laptop.
"Oh! Is that a Dell?"
Me: "oh!...Yeah! It's a Dell, but not the singer."
Continued to walk past, as this encounter took an entire 10 seconds at most
Random passerby that overheard in a hearty tone: "Hey! That was funny!"
I said, "They don't smell bad, just not very appealing."
It's Ramadan right now (fasting month for muslims) and I was talking to my dad when he told me that it's the last day.
I said, "Can't believe it's the last day already."
And he says, "Yeah, it's so fast!"
He didn't realize he made a joke at first, but after that, we shared a sensible chuckle and a high five.
Our front door was open, I wasn't paying attention and a car drove by really fast.
Me: That car was hauling ass.
GF: Hehe. Hauling.
Me: What?
It was a U-Haul.
My friend asked me if he could have some soda. (It was not refrigerated)
Friend: Can I have some soda?
Me: Sure... I'd recommend some ice.
Friend: Wow REALLY???
Me: Yeah it's pretty cool.
My girlfriend and I were getting coffee and tea at wawa.
Her- Do you like the Irish Cream? Me- yeah but not really with French vanilla coffee. Her- Why not? Me- it's just that I-rish it wasn't so sweet.
I realized what I had done and we had to go our separate ways.
My brother graduated about 4 or 5 years ago now. When he did he phoned my mum to give her the verdict on his grades. I was asleep at the time and she yelled up the stairs to me to tell me the good news.
> Mum: hey! Tom's graduated with a 2:2!
> Me (half asleep): When did he take up ballet?
It took me a while to figure out why my mum was laughing so hard.
