If you spell the words β€œAbsolutely Nothing” backwards, you get β€œGnihton Yletulosba,” which ironically means...

Absolutely nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealTripleH
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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My son told me he wanted to be a mime when he grows up. I told him absolutely not.

It's not like he can talk back to me.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/overachievingogre
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.

He is Polly-Amorous.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkylanePilot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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Absolutely NO smoking in this establishment

No ifs, ands, or Butts.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jake2rich
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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Absolutely brilliant
πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mqit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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I absolutely hate people who talk behind my back.

They discussed me.

πŸ‘︎ 435
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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I absolutely hate broken bridges

I just can't get over them

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Renzo_221_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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I find gardening absolutely exhilarating

It's so exciting I wet my plants.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FruitHoarder
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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I absolutely hate crossing t's

Dotting i's is okay since it's just a dot, but t's are where I draw the line.

πŸ‘︎ 364
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshjodalton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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I believe it is absolutely nessesery to teach our childer calculus.

It's an integral part of education.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotaLegFinger
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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My wife absolutely hated the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Itchy_Anxiety
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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What should you absolutely NEVER name a couch store?

Sofa Kingdom

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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I absolutely hate grammar police!

Their [sic].

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buffbigw76
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile.

And suddenly I’m the idiot....

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkham_Asylum27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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I absolutely hate people who advertise for ad blockers...

They’re practically begging to be silenced.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlenderByrd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Absolutely nobody expects it
πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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I have absolutely no idea what a cloning machine does!

That makes two of us.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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Absolutely souper

The Chinese chef maliciously dumped a hot broth with dumplings on an obnoxious customer. It was a wanton soup attack....

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I said, β€œAbsolutely not! No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact..."

"I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine!"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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I'm absolutely terrible about leaving the toilet seat up, I admit.

But I probably shouldn't have married a blind woman and like to laugh so much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Today on the bus, I caught an absolutely disgusting low lying old pervert watching Porn..........

.......Over my shoulder!!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Warned my son about the dangers of drugs today. Told him a story about a girl I knew who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time. Surprised, he asked, "Really?" I replied, "Yes, absolutely true."

"She became a little spore addict."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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I absolutely support any scientific effort to create an invisibility cloak.

I just want to make myself clear.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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Someone once told me they loved absolutely all kinds of bedding.

It was a real blanket statement.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the02guy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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I am absolutely blown away...
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flyer_of_Planes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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There's a new machine at the gym, it does absolutely everything

Soft drinks, potato chips, chocolate cookies and candy

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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A guy starts working at a submarine. In the first day he works as a cleaner, then helps at the kitchen. Next day he runs the ship. In the evening he’s absolutely exhausted so he asks his friend β€œWhy I have to change my position every time?”

He replies β€œI know, this sub is full of reposts”

πŸ‘︎ 225
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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My wife was absolutely livid after I gave her a clothesline for Valentine's day...

She stayed down a lot longer than they do in the WWE

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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Absolutely horrendous
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shaun_Whiteside
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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I don't know if it's coincidence, but both my kids absolutely love surprise eggs. They're obsessed with them!

And neither of them were planned!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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So I bought a large mammal repellant spray recently, and I absolutely cannot stand the smell!

It's unbearable!

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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I think planks are absolutely hot

(Science joke)

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πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.

Sorry, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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What do you win in a contest for doing absolutely nothing?

Atrophy

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
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My friend is a Roman Catholic priest, great at his job - he absolutely kills it every Sunday.

He’s a mass murderer.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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I bought some tennis shoes but they're absolutely useless.

Next time I'll just pay for a racket.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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I wanted to go as a streetperformer for Halloween. It took me absolutely forever to find a mime shirt...

But the pantomimes were pretty easy to pick up!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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I have no idea why, but I'm absolutely terrified of pi...

My wife says my fear's irrational.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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What do you call someone who absolutely hates running out of bread?

Lack TOAST intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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Absolutely worth the read
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Indian9yearolds
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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The man was absolutely delighted when somebody stole all of his lights!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrogOnACouch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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Absolutely nuts!!
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elephant_ITR
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Learnt an interesting fact today..... If you spell "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba" which actually means.....

......Absolutely Nothing!!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile.

And suddenly I’m the idiot.....

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkham_Asylum27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.

I just want to make myself clear.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
This one absolutely killed m
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kartik3e
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report

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