When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...

I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.

I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
John Cena emerges from a deep slumber only to find he has wound up in the hospital.

JC: where am I?

Nurse: ICU.

JC: No you can’t.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BowlbasaurKiefachu
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say when someone wants to stitch their own wound?

Suture self!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/steelkamote
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Pro Tip: If you have a gashed wound, it is cheaper to go to a comedy club than the emergency room.

You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cozykinkajou
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did priests heal wounds before doctors?

They're men of the clot.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MoffKalast
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
At the surgery this bloke told me "I don't trust you to stitch my wound" "

Suture self" I said

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I took a shot but only caused a fletch wound.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Tuesdays-Girl
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does pouring salt in a wound hurt?

Because it hurts sodium much.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/OnePunchFan8
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report
What do pigs put on wounds?

Antibiotic oinkment!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Gabriel3334
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine was kicked out of the army because his wound leaked onto the sergeants uniform.

It was a dishonourable discharge.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
If Kim Jong Un were assassinated, what would you call his gunshot wound?

A Korea-ending injury!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Crimsonae
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Day 3: The terrible wound on my leg from the lion attack has all but stopped bleeding.

The clot thickens.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DinglebarryHandpump
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad,why does that actors wound look so fake?

Budget cuts

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/divineshower12
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 21 2017
🚨︎ report
We took a wrong turn on our vacation and wound up at a clothing optional beach. Only one guy was actually naked....

He was the nudest

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AnnoyingOldGuy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 26 2016
🚨︎ report
The wounds were caused by foreign bodies.

https://www.reddit.com/r/quityourbullshit/comments/5vemhh/texas_hunters_who_accidentally_shot_each_other/

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Wolferines
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 22 2017
🚨︎ report
My customer wound up making me look foolish for this one.

I came up with a fresh bowl of peas, and the little girl inched away nervously (stranger danger, and all). I tried to ease her by saying:

"Don't worry. I come in peas."

Cue awkward pause.

Her mom chimed in: "I get it." She still didn't laugh.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/NewLeaf37
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 27 2014
🚨︎ report
I was thinking of going as a bandaid this Halloween, but then decided against it.

I find it really hard to pull it off.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 139
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Saviour.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Thot0fTheDay
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I am waiting to recover from injuries caused by a small sharp tool:

Time heals awl wounds.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RabbitsAteMySnowpeas
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday someone hit me with a bottle of Omega-3 pills

Luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil

πŸ‘οΈŽ 65
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/professorf
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Et tu?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CaimanSense
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no wifi and couldn’t find the information I wanted.

I wound up using cellular.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BaconShrimpEyes
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the kid rub herbs on his scraped knee?

Because his Dad told him thyme heals all wounds.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JPHarrison007
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do they take heavily wounded pirates?

The E Yarrr

πŸ‘οΈŽ 27
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fusrohdiddly
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Source in comments
πŸ‘οΈŽ 100
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Trisspele
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do injured cats get to the vet faster than injured dogs?

Cat litter's more common.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/spooninacerealbowl
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Decided on a career change, from the kitchen to medicine. Didn’t last long though.

Turns out that thyme doesn’t heal all wounds.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate it when they do it. imgur.com/gIRYs7u
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hushphatak
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 11 2018
🚨︎ report
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?

You know what they say, Margaret. "Thyme heals all wounds".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/michacha123
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œHey Doctor, can I administer my own anaesthetic?”

Doctor: Go ahead. Knock yourself out.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 1k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Puns about clocks are the easiest

Now, if you have a lot of time on your hands, let me explain. These puns are a timely solution to anyone starting to dadjoke. With enough hours of practice, they become clockwork to deliver. Sometimes it's best to watch others perform the joke. I know, some of you may be ticked off with me (which isn't alarming) using my firsthand information on how to easily make a pun and how it has really wound you up. Yes, I'll hand it to you, making a simple pun is second-best to the more thought out grander puns with all the bells and whistles. Whatever makes you tick, I guess.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ThatDamnCat_
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy that mistook the whiteout bottle for the viagra bottle?

He wound up with a massive correction and his wife was heavily censored

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ADDrenalgland
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone gets decapitated in a show

Oh it's just a flesh wound don't lose your head over it

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/scrimpyhook3
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Communism’s red flags
πŸ‘οΈŽ 35
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tgravyboy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend asked if I could go a day without making a 'stupid' pun... frayed knot.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 27
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tale_of_tejon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 13 2017
🚨︎ report
My toddler just dad joked me.

She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand."

I've never been more proud.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 548
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mrBELDING69
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Drew another puzzle for the weekend. Hope you like it! imgur.com/eCTKtZb
πŸ‘οΈŽ 87
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tiggidytom
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Went for the long con with my wife

I had a little mishap with a pruning saw in the yard and asked my wife to patch my finger up. She's a nurse, so I figured she'd dress my wound better than I could. She started off with cleaning up the cut with a betadine swab.
Wife: "This might sting a little bit."
Me: Yup. Yup that stings.
Wife: Sing a song. It'll take your mind off of it.
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to put on the red light, Those days are over you don't have to sell your body to the night..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to wear that dress tonight, Walk the streets for money you don't care if it's wrong or if it's right..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "You know who sings that, right?"
Wife: "Yeah, the Police."
Me: "Who and the Police?"
Wife: "Sting?"
Me: "Yes it does."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/capomatt
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 04 2016
🚨︎ report
Chopstick Woman : Supa Hiro youtube.com/watch?v=8L85o…
πŸ‘οΈŽ 59
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FolloweroftheAtom
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 24 2016
🚨︎ report
Why are old people’s feet in such rough shape?

Because time wounds all heels.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bialystock-and-Bloom
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
TIL Thyme has powerful medical qualities

Some say it heals all wounds

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Fish117
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I was gonna go to Comic-con last year

But instead I wound up at Comma Con, the convention for punctuation enthusiasts.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tino768
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
[gun goes off]

[gun goes off]
[every runner falls over and pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: Annnd the annual Dad 5k is underway...

^^^^^^source

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/H_G_Bells
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I was about to stitch up her wound but she insisted she do it herself.

"Fine," i said. "Suture self."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DarkStar42024
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
You don't want me to close your wound for you?

Fine, suture self.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 57
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/wizard7926
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 vitamins at me, but I'm okay...

... the wounds were super fish oil.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 118
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mxwp
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 27 2017
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.