But as I got closer it flew away
We have to play something other than monopoly next time
He woke up like 5 minutes later tho
I only counted 2 crows though, so I guess it was really an attempted murder
He’s all right now
He dyed on impact.
...but I just let him sleep. Didn’t seem right to bother the boy.
.. but stealing someone’s soap really takes the cake.
He was really tired.
It was a heavy bird into bear.
They flew over my house, it was really cool!
I counted 13 crows flying due south.
I was at the shopping maul.
That’s one memory foam I bet wishes it could forget.
It was an Otis wedding.
Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.
It was in tents !
>Dad fixing roof.
>ladder falls
Dad "geues ill have to count on you" Son shouts " I WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN"
Just witnessed the greatest dad joke of all time. This woman was about to leave the grocery store with a full cart. All of a sudden this older man runs over and says “let me open the door for you”. He walks in front of the automatic door, waves his hand to open it and proudly walks away as it opens automatically. He is my role model in life.
ImPeck-able
Turns out he was a shit driver..
He would clam up.
It was mist defying.
He was totally in Seine.
The kids were between four and eight years old and were claiming their spots in the car.
"I'm in the front!" said the boy.
"I'm in the back!" said the girl.
"I'm in the front!" said the dad.
The kids didn't get it but I overheard and had a quiet chuckle.
Thought I better not wake him up
There was a spread of meats and salads for dinner, and above the table was a light that was flickering - giving off a strobe effect.
To which the person behind me casually remarks under his breath; “Hmm, don’t mind me a bit of seizure salad”.
I thought it was great. No one else seemed to appreciate it.
These two ladies (Around 50) were making small talk with this barista of the same age, when he said, "Why didn't you take your mask off?" to one of them. I guess they didn't know what he was talking about and just shrugged it off with an awkward laugh, then he landed it: "You went as a beauty-queen, right?"
And I must say it was a... stunning display.
It didn't sit well with me.
There was a bloodied man lying on the road. As I got closer, I could see that he had cuts all over his body. I offered to help him out, but he said that he was actually a surgeon, it wasn't as bad as it looked, and he was in good enough health and spirits to do everything on his own.
I replied "Fine, suture self."
He was classified as silent but deadly.
My co-worker says: "I told my fiance that I would like to go to the UK for our honeymoon, if we can afford it".
I responded, "You probably can't afford it. To go there, you need pounds of money".
...with three snails, the cop ask the turtle what happened, the turtle replied, "I don't know, it happened so fast."
Last night we were sitting in my step grandparents' kitchen talking about how my mom and step dad want to move back to this town
Step dad: Well if you guys feel like you need to go to a retirement home we could take over this house.
Step granddad: Don't worry I have something better for you.
He then paused for a few seconds and starts chuckling loudly and says "A tent-house"
I think it took at least half an hour before he stopped laughing.
First this man of about 50 says to his ~12 year old daughter The Classic
Daughter: I'm tired
Dad:Hi, Tired. I'm Dad
Ten or so minutes later we discussed trivia about presidents
Daughter: I'm going to run for president one day
Dad: Why are you going to run? Why not walk?
Then, he continued with his joke, and it only got better.
Dad: I should've been a stand-up commode-ian. That's just a guy who stands next to the commode.
A real American hero
It was hot inside the venue. Shtty Adlts played a sweet set and said, "Thanks guys, and especially to our biggest fan," and pointed at the industrial fan.
Friend 1's Status: No you can't take down flappy bird, my highscore is only 8
Friend 2: He's taking it down? I only started playing 2 days ago
Friend 1: Lets all go to his internet house and burn it down with internet fire!
Friend 2: What if he has his firewall up?
Dad: can I ask you a question?
Daughter: no!
Dad: then I guess you don't want any ice cream?
Good to see the classics are still being used.
I bumped into the wall with my elbow and this exchange with my girlfriend:
Me: Ouch.
GF: Did you just bump your elbow into the wall?
Me: Yeah, I fought the wall, and the wall won.
In the dining room during lunch after giving my elder residents desert which was Angel food cake, everyone noticed that the cake was very flat and thin.
One of the ladies said "This is no angel food cake, this is...."
Without missing a beat, this old man with a patch on his right eye interrupts the little old woman and says at the top of his lungs in a raspy, yet clear tone , "I'll tell you what this is!. It's a fallen angel!"
Everyone in the dining room laughed uncontrollably. Not him. He just shakes his head and digs into the cake.
I immediately thought of you guys.
