A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??
An Optical Aleutian
I’ll see myself out...
What is the opposite of a croissant?
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
Why is “beefstew” an unsafe password to use?
Because it’s not Stroganoff.
Did you know the film “Speed” had no director?
If it had direction, it would be called “Velocity”.
There's a term for people like Trump
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
If there’s a line of gay people, it’s not a straight line...
What do you call a fear of giants?
Feefiphobia
Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
What do snowmen call their offspring?
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
How does Jesus make his Coffee?
My Indian friend just told her parents she wants to wear a Western dress at her wedding.
She said, “Sorry, but not Sari.”
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.
After a heated argument, my kid shouted “Jim Morrison was overrated”
Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?
My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.
Atleast that's what she said in her diary.
I asked the coronavirus the other day how it made it’s way to Western Asia.
What does a western dog say
I once hiked to a lake with the states of Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New York on its western, southern, and eastern shores. Not a bird was singing and the lake was still...
British people be like I'm bri ish
It's because they drank the t
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
What is the angriest nut?
I had a priest perform an exorcism for my house, but I never paid the bill....
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!
He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...
Just in case there's a salad dressing
I was told that my dad was pronounced dead
I can’t believe I’ve been saying it wrong my whole life
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and 2 huricanes...
Bartender says, “That will be $20.20.”
How many hands am I holding up?
If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc
Say “ah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?
Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.
The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.
“4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”
What did the lesbian pirate say during sex?
How do you make a snooker table laugh?
Put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.
But now I can look back and laugh.
What do you call paper you can’t trust?
Just finished reading "All Quiet On The Western Front"
That book is really remarqueable.
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