A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 08 2020
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What is the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/kgangadhar
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 22 2020
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What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??

An Optical Aleutian

Iโ€™ll see myself out...

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/International_Sea285
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 01 2020
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My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 15k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/buckeyespud
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 14 2020
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The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week

Well itโ€™s not a law itโ€™s a mandate

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/justin_true_10
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 20 2020
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A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.

He just can't part with it.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DeltaOne211
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 19 2020
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Why is โ€œbeefstewโ€ an unsafe password to use?

Because itโ€™s not Stroganoff.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/peytonmi
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 07 2020
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There's a term for people like Trump

Evidently not two though

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Meemsouprice
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 09 2020
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If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sisrael81
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 23 2020
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What do you call a fear of giants?

Feefiphobia

Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/denandbil
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 06 2020
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eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/puranjay1432
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 30 2020
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I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/hobo4lifee
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 22 2020
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Dude 1: โ€œHey bro?โ€ Dude 2: โ€œYeah bro?โ€ Dude 1: โ€œCan you hand me that pamphlet?โ€

Dude 2: โ€œBrochureโ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 16k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/reditrewrite
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 25 2020
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What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/gambitK9
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 13 2020
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by Renรฉ Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bearfeedmitch
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 05 2020
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A man went to the doctorโ€™s and told him, โ€œI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.โ€

He said, โ€œWow, thatโ€™s the worst case of parking sonโ€™s disease Iโ€™ve ever seen.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/cyclopropagative
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 17 2020
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9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....

Quaranteens.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 607
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 10 2020
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My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 22 2020
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How does Jesus make his Coffee?

Hebrews it.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 583
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/icemage27
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 07 2020
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After a heated argument, my kid shouted โ€œJim Morrison was overratedโ€

Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/catmom81519
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 30 2020
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Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.

But they didnโ€™t planet.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 577
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/cinnamontoastcrunch2
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 24 2020
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My grandma is 80% Irish.

People call her Iris.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 375
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 30 2020
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My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

Atleast that's what she said in her diary.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/__teju
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 13 2020
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British people be like I'm bri ish

It's because they drank the t

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 148
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sss69sss
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 31 2020
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My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I donโ€™t understand how she can feel that way.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 133
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/rafwaf123
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 13 2020
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What is the angriest nut?

Pissed-aschios.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 147
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Heywood_Jablwme
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 24 2020
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I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!

He just stands there applauding and saying โ€œOoh, I love how smooth it isโ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 470
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/FlintTheDad
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 03 2020
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I had a priest perform an exorcism for my house, but I never paid the bill....

Itโ€™s been repossessed

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 238
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DinglebarryHandpump
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 06 2020
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I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...

Just in case there's a salad dressing

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 213
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/laserspewpew_
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 19 2020
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I was told that my dad was pronounced dead

I canโ€™t believe Iโ€™ve been saying it wrong my whole life

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 198
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/AlabamaMayan
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 18 2020
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What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?

There were repercussions.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 191
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/GrayingMantis
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 18 2020
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What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?

Count Draculas.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 101
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BusyPooping
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 30 2020
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Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and 2 huricanes...

Bartender says, โ€œThat will be $20.20.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 293
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Parkwad
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 27 2020
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What did the lesbian pirate say during sex?

Scissor me timbers!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 104
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/huntingclue47
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 09 2020
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How many hands am I holding up?

If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc

Say โ€œah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?

Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.

The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.

โ€œ4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 38
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/MuskIsAlien
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 13 2020
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How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 63
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/tiger7971
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 06 2020
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It wasnโ€™t much fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.

But now I can look back and laugh.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 213
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 24 2020
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What do you call paper you canโ€™t trust?

A sketch pad

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 127
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/manwhosoldtheworld55
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 03 2020
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 74
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/flippantteacup
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 30 2020
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I considered converting my wardrobe to house my board game collection, but was worried about losing clothing space.

It was trivial per suit.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PythagorasJones
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 18 2020
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Got my friends yesterday

We were talking about in-breeding, and my friend who is an archaeologist was saying how we're all in-bred in some sense of the word because of a debated small group of people leaving Africa a debated amount of time ago produced most of the western world (or possibly didn't).

I watched on, waiting for the end of the conversation to say "Whatever... you're all in-bred but I'm in pizza"

The groans were instantaneous.

(Bonus: also a few days ago we were ordering indian and my friend was gonna get chicken korma but I warned him "Korma's a bitch".)

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/penthousedizzle
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 21 2015
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