An actual joke from my dad this weekend

Dad: The sun is out! Oh nevermind now it's gone

Me: It's just a little shy

Dad: yeah that's why they call it sunSHYne...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bshafs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
The Argyle Sweater for the weekend of 4/17/2021-4/18/2021
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDorkKnight53
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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Why did the Joker enjoyed working in the post office on the weekends ?

Cause it's not about the money . It's about sending a message !

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/k1ll1ngtime
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?

Chill out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/civicbro
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried clog dancing this weekend.

Unfortunately the Drano kept burning my feet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoruusSkywalker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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Seems the Weekend had compete creative control for the halftime special and brought in his own production team.

I guess Everybody's Working For the Weekend.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JBCrew614
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I too need a long weekend
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MQ1CGryEagle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I was considering visiting a local cidery this weekend...

I’m not sure but I’ll have to mull it over

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NewtonsOrange
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to the zoo this weekend and all they had was one dog...

It was a Shih Tzu

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1_am_not_a_b0t
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
The Invisible Man and The Invisible Woman got married over the weekend.

I did not see that coming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tumalditamadre
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort.

Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ima420r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain

Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.

He had no idea he had started a turf war.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do NASA programmers do on the weekends?

They hit the space bar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaddis04
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a massive Christmas tree at the weekend. The guy in the store asked "Are you planning on putting it up yourself?"

I said "Nah, I'll probably just put it up in the living room"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kreevbik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard they were going to broadcast the World Origami Championships this weekend since so many sports are cancelled

Too bad it’s Payperview

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GigaMike123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I was at my parents house over the weekend. As a joke, I swapped all the labels around on their herbs and spices.

They haven’t noticed yet... but the thyme is cumin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife sees Satan every weekend for evil lessons.

I have no idea how much she charges.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadeauxmarie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Boss: I find it highly suspicious that you are always sick on weekdays.

Me: It must be my weekend immune system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife and I have decided that we don't want children

And if anyone does we can drop them off at the weekend

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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_jimmy_02
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do I feel healthy on Saturdays and Sundays, and so sickly for all the other days ?

Maybe, I just have a weekend immune system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw a cougar on a hike last weekend.

I nearly puma pants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malker84
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I didn't put my watch back this weekend, so I'm living in the future.

If there's anything you want to know, about what's going to happen, just ask me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Pretty stoked it's the weekend! Gonna relax and get drunk hans style...

Solo

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/postymcpostface21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend invited me over for dumplings this weekend.

I told her don’t worry about it, I know it’s a lot of wok.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PunkyBrister
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Last weekend I had tickets to go see Timmy, the Yodeling Shetland Pony.

Unfortunately, Timmy has to cancel. He was a little hoarse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tsuggitt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!

I beat the raining champion.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Friend: Ugh the concert I was attending this weekend got cancelled

Me: wow that’s disconcerting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshPlaysUltimate
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I was driving to a weekend hunting trip when I came to a fork in the road. Sign said bear left...

So I went home.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sulpfiction
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
When I die bury me on the weekend. Because the day I die will be sad,

But the funeral will be on a sadder day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keauxbi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns.

It was a play on words.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunselpower
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Superbowl halftime show

Mom: honey, this is the weekend. Dad: I know, it's Sunday

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gypsypunk42
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
In Germany this weekend they have been preparing for the crisis by stocking up on sausages and cheese.

It's the Wurst KΓ€se scenario.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/im_made_of_jam
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the Home Improvement store this weekend and walked past the stud finders...

The noise was unbearable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SerbianTarHeel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Went to a meatloaf sampling party this past weekend.

Two out of three weren't bad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewWaldron
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...

Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
For the past few weekends my wife has done nothing but drag me around to look at expensive new countertops

I'm tired of being taken for granite

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zembacraftworks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Rimshot

The seasoned comedian at a night club was telling the new guy, β€œIf you want a good spot in the line up, you’ll have to suck up to the club manager.”

β€œNo way! I’m no brown noser. In fact, I’m writing this into my next routine, that’ll show her.”

He went back to his room and started thinking and writing.

The next weekend the old comedian was surprised when the new guy was first up on stage. He went through his routine flawlessly, never saying a mean word against the club’s manager... In fact he thanked her repeatedly.

The old comedian was astonished and asked, β€œWhat happened?”

β€œWell I wanted to stand my ground, ...but, um... bum kissed”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigfootNick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m going to need you to come in this weekend
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πŸ‘€︎ u/originalripley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
So I travel around my country at the weekend taking photo graphs last week I was in London it was amazing I could almost say it was a...
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss said, β€œI find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, β€œIt must be my weekend immune system.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days

I said it must be my weekend immune system

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuxCassandra
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Last weekend I went to a dog zoo with my kids.

They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbsmth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report

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