..to find exactly 32 of them.
It was an illuminating experience.
Everybody went on strike. Spare me all the criticism, I'll just split right now.
No one did.
Linkin Park
Golf!!
That's the morel of the story
Please give me the best dad jokes you got
Edit (10/8): WOW. I did not expect to get this many upvotes or awards, let alone this many dad jokes this early. Thank you all for helping me laugh/groan this entire coming weekend. Keep em coming!
Edit 2: 10K???!! I’m at a loss for words guys. Thank you so much for the love and making me laugh and groan my ass off for the next 3 months straight. Let’s make it 4! ♥️
Unfortunately it didn’t work out, I had good inTENTions though!
It was a real Shih Tzu.
Because sleep is for the week
I'm Australian, in Australia, specifically southern Australia. Very specifically, southern Victoria. Anyway. I took a long drive on Friday, out to Halls Gap, which is a beautiful part of the world. Oddly, I noticed along the way a significant amount of dead crows on the side of the road. Now I'm of county stock, and I know well that crows (although technically ravens I believe) are an extraordinarily intelligent bird, and it's very rare that you see one fallen by the roadside. As such, it was obvious to me as unusual. So I looked it up, and as it happened there'd been a study conducted regarding the very road I'd driven down. Turns out, this particular road was notorious for dead crows on account of two very basic reasons, the first, it's proximity to bushland which ensured a considerable amount of regular road kill (possums, kangaroos, etcetera) and second, the road was a significant trucking route. It follows logic, although I did not see it at the time, that it was determined that the trucks, rather than the cars which used the road were to blame regarding the amount of dead crows. How so, you ask? I, too, was interested to know. You see, the front of the average car in these modern times is made of plastic and paint whereas the Australian cross-country truck is equipped with a large alloy bullbar. A crow, when hit by a car will have chips of paint transferred onto its feathers whereas one downed by a truck will have none. Now crows are not usually struck by vehicles, as they are a very intelligent bird. As such, they employ a sentry bird, which looks out as the others eat from the road, and warns them of any approaching danger. Such is the intelligence of the crows! So why should they perish by truck in such numbers? The answer amazed me. As it turns out, a sentry crow sees the approaching vehicle and calls to his friends CAR! CAR! CAR! but he can't say truck
No one did.
Well that’s bazaar, I thought.
It started on a Sadder Day!
Cause it's not about the money . It's about sending a message !
I guess Everybody's Working For the Weekend.
This weekend while taking a tour through a submarine in Pittsburgh with the family. We passed through the kitchen ......and I said what do you think they served here.......submarine sandwiches? My kids and wife rolled eyes and shook their heads. What a great time to be a dad.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
Chill out.
It was a Shih Tzu
They haven’t noticed yet... but the thyme is cumin.
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
I did not see that coming.
I said "Nah, I'll probably just put it up in the living room"
They hit the space bar.
Probably a joke I heard on here years ago, but this weekend I was driving my family to the zoo and I saw a bunch of horses in a field and I confidently said hey look a school of horses. My older daughter immediately corrected me saying it's a herd. I said what? She said a herd of horses, to which I replied of course I've heard of horses I just pointed out a whole school of them to you. The groan from my wife was was equal to the laughter from the backseat. Now my daughter's try to get everyone on this joke.
Too bad it’s Payperview
I swear to God everyone there totally walks all over you.
I’ll see myself out. Have a great weekend. May they roll out the red carpet for everyone. I mean that with every fiber of my being.
Solo
Dad: So, what have you done this weekend?
Me: Oh you know just some yoga *shows a picture of the yoga session*
Dad: Wow... Do you call that yoga? Now that is a real stretch!
Unfortunately, Timmy has to cancel. He was a little hoarse.
I beat the raining champion.
It was a play on words.
Promised my friend I would post this for him so he can see what kind of traction it would get...
We were away for a friends wedding for the weekend. Every day there would be a different activity. The night we arrived was a rehearsal dinner which we attended. The dinner was outdoors and featured a Brazilian band on stage. The man was wearing a nice suit and my buddy says "Wow I bet that suit cost a Brazilian dollars" Instantly one of my favorite Dad joke lines.
I'm watching it with her, and halfway through the movie something clicks in my head.
Me: "Holy shit I just got it,this is a bunny cop movie"
GF: ......
ME:" instead of a buddy cop movie"
And then she proceeded to beat me
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
... keep reading on reddit ➡But the funeral will be on a sadder day.
So, I took the family to Monterey this past weekend. Went to the aquarium, and when it came time for me to choose something to do, I decided to take them to pebble beach. Beautiful views, great time all around. On the drive, I kept explaining to the 8 year old how everything and everyone around us were rich.
So, we’re leaving the beach, and on the way out past the putting greens of the golf course, we see a family of deer. The kid asks, hey, are the deer rich out here as well?
I replied no son, probably worth a few bucks.
It's the Wurst Käse scenario.
Me: wow that’s disconcerting
So I went home.
..to find exactly 32 of them.
