Weekender Puns

But it's becoming increasingly harder to find exactly 32 of them..

My Grandfather was outraged “drinking too much! I’ll have you know that I haven’t had a drink since 1945.” Keeping his bedside manner the doctor replied “1945,that’s an awfully long time.” “I’ll say it’s a bloody long time” sez my Grandfather “it’s 2130 hours now.”

They where always dropping beets

It ended in a cacti

Independent..

I got 50 pounds but it all melted by the time I got it home

So my wife is a teacher, and is attempting to explain puns to her students. She mentioned that dad jokes would be the perfect examples. So what are ya'lls BEST puns?

Update: Thank you all, these were fantastic and had my wife and I chuckling through the weekend. She has more material than she thought possible! You also aided me in driving her insane by telling her these jokes almost every two minutes, so from the bottom of my heart; thank you for helping to fulfill my purpose, it's quite wonderful! Thank you all, these were all fantastic!

It was jarring.

I’m ….not going to stand for it.

It was really in tents!

He’s accused of fudging the numbers.

He walked into my room and says, "Hey dad, can you take a picture of me?"

I thought it was a weird request, but said, "Sure."

As I'm reaching for my phone, he pulls out a framed picture of himself from behind his back he had taken off one of our shelves, hands it to me, and says, "Ok, thanks!" and walks out without even cracking a smile.

I stared at that picture for a few seconds in proud silence.

*edit/update* Wow... I woke up this morning and noticed a ton of notifications. This made my 10 year old very happy so thank you. And thank you for the awards as well. Totally unexpected and unnecessary but very appreciated.

My dad, who's in his 50's, bought a new Tesla Model S and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to let her rip!

As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red & blue lights behind him. "There's no freakin' way they can catch a Tesla," he thought to himself. So he let her rip further. The needle hit 100, 120… then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, examined it, then said:

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

My dad thinks for a second then says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer

Either way, I'm getting plastered

Specially the wife .

Must be tinsel-itis.

Saturday morning car tunes

Guess I will have to take it on a case-by-case basis.

I must have a weekend immune system

But somehow they got back in.

Is that called being laid off?

but it was a flop.

Retired

It's story after story after story...

Police said the thieves made a clean getaway..

They go Shwimming.

The day after is always a sadder day.

Not a single person showed up.

I have a weekend immune system

So I turned around and drove home.

They found him Monday, but he likes it there now and won't leave. Stock Home Syndrome.

I left with a dog whistle and two Mimes.

He was well-armed.

Mis-steaks were made.

I can’t even tell you how difficult it has been.

She’s an anti-fun gal.

Makes one weak

Adults were going over the different ways to season the grilled corn on the cob.

She said, "You guys are like cornasuires."

Apparently security doesn’t like it when you yell “Hi Jack!”

I’m not going to stand for it.

It was intents

So I whipped a U turn and went home

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

So I turned around and drove home