My doctor asked me if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness?
I said, "NO, We all seem to enjoy it."
π︎ 66
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
Lobotomy is the solution for all mental illness.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not get ill?
π︎ 389
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
There once was a record store. The owner was seventy-four. One day he fell ill then wrote in his will , βbury me with records galoreβ
It was his vinyl resting place
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
What's a schizophrenic's favorite Christmas song?
π︎ 919
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
The wife's mother was taken ill...
So I swiftly rushed off to find a pen and paper to write for an ambulance.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 24 2020
Ill give ya
First one to upvote and comment gets my free reward
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
I asked my boss to donate to support Asian children with terminal illnesses.
He hasnβt responded yet, but when he does Iβll find out if he supports youth in Asia.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
I told my friend his βhundred eggs in five daysβ diet made me deathly ill.
He told me that was an eggsaturation.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
I always know when my pals are going to be ill...
βCos Iβm a forensic expert
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 05 2020
This was at my high school
π︎ 232
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
There a hair in my soup
Waiter: hi what can i get you?
Dad: ill have the rabbit stew
Waiter: only if you promise not to say"theres a hare in my soup"
Dad: ill have the chicken then
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
I was tricked into buying an ill-fitting shirt while on vacation in a city in France.
π︎ 21
π
︎ May 04 2020
I knew a drug addict that was so desperate for a high he snorted curry powder. Got really ill and taken to hospital.
He was put in an induced korma.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
What's the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimerβs and diarrhea. Youβre running, but canβt remember where.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Apr 11 2020
A year ago, I got a subscription to a magazine for mentally ill people.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Apr 10 2020
What do you call a bird that has committed a crime?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
Is Kim Jong ill?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Apr 24 2020
A joke is like an illness,
Because not everyone will get it.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Mar 19 2020
Why is the Supreme Leader of North Korea number 1.
Because he is Kim Jong-Un, not Kim Jong-Deux.
Plus his father passed away since he was Kim Jong-ill.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
When your horoscope says you are going to fall ill this month
It's more of a horror scope
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 29 2020
There was this guy pulling the curtains at the theatre...
He did a good job. Everyone there liked him, but his pay was just too small. One day though, he befriended some guys at the theater and slowling started stealing money from the theater winnings. He quickly made a fortune and quit his job after to live a happy, but ill-gotten life.
You could say he just pulled some strings.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
This is an ill eagle image. (Don't worry, he's much better now.)
π︎ 38
π
︎ Oct 19 2019
An apple pie in Jamaica is Β£1.50, a cherry pie in Barbados is Β£1.60 and a mince pie in Trinidad is Β£1.80.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Ill see myself out
π︎ 375
π
︎ Oct 27 2020
Ill always remember what my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket.
"Hey son you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jan 22 2020
Kim Jong-ill
π︎ 24
π
︎ Dec 26 2019
My friend had both his legs amputated and I get ill when I go near him.
I think that I might be lacktoes intolerant.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 06 2020
BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Apr 26 2020
The Norwegian currency has taken ill.
Itβs got the Kroner virus.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 27 2020
Illustrations like these are gene-rally ill-conceived eggsagerations
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 20 2019
When Hurricane Dorian hits Florida, I'm going to check out my window for the clouds to get really grey. When they're at peak greyness I'll take a picture. That way Ill always have The Picture of Dorian Grey.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 30 2019
I just found out how Kim Jong Un's father died.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Sep 26 2020
People who abuse steroids have ill-gotten gains
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 13 2019
I caught the flu at an airport once.
It was a terminal illness.
(Special thanks to my dog's friend's dad for this one)
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
Why did your mom allow you to be exposed to preventable illnesses?
Because they're not Karen for you
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 25 2020
There was a man who a had an entirely wooden car. Wooden frame, wooden wheels, wooden engine. Did he ride it? No.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Aug 21 2020
What do you call a sick bird from Mars?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
During my trip to Madrid I was staying at this small motel when I grew pretty ill. Thankfully the people at the front desk sent the on call doctor over and he was able to fix me up real quick. I told him I didn't expect such a small place to have such a good doctor, to which he told me
Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 08 2019
So i visited a neurologic clinic that, between other mental illness, treats Alzheimer patients. This was their main lobby's painting.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 06 2019
I have an awful illness where I canβt stop telling airport jokes...
... My doctor says itβs terminal.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jun 25 2019
Ill tell you what...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 02 2019
Ill never forget my grandfathers last words before he died.
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."
π︎ 224
π
︎ Nov 19 2018
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
