Wash Machine Puns

I didnt want to be caught money laundering

It was a casual T.

“Hey, get a load of this!”

So I pulled the clothes out only to find a quarter in the bottom. I held it up and said, "Uh-oh, babe, looks like we're guilty of money laundering!"

It doesn’t fit her and she looks ridiculous.

Put a sock in it

I'm a spin doctor.

He proud screamed throughout the house "Hey everyone I'm laundering money"

Can’t wait to take it for a spin.

He was arrested on suspicion of money laundering.

He managed to run a full cycle before the cops got into his house. Now they‘be got no choice but to let him go… turns out the money’s clean

It still works but now it's ringing wet...

Tide

Not a bad swap, really

A dryer sheet.

Felt a lot heavier when I tried to lift it

I said, no one talks to me like that, you're out of order

Me: "I'm going to have to call the FBI."

Wife: "Why?"

Me: "Because you've been laundering money."

It's Money Laundering.

I’m going to take it out a spin tomorrow

I’ll be taking it for a spin later.

It’s called “Heavy Doody.”

I am afraid that i'll get caught for money laundering.I dont know how to stop having this punitive thought.

Wouldn't that be 'money laundering'?

Let me just start with some backstory. My wife and I recently had an electrical fire due to a short in our dryer wiring. Thankfully we were able to prevent significant damage to our home, but we no longer have a working washer or dryer. I work as an RN on a Medical-Surgical floor and only have three full uniforms. So we have to do a load of laundry at least once a week. In order to make sure I have sanitized uniforms, we have been doing weekly trips to our local coin operated laundromat (Gold’s Laundry). Last week, my wife took our laundry in and washed two loads. While the second load was in the washer, she said she could smell acrid smoke coming from the machine and it abruptly stopped working. Thankfully there was an attendant in the building, so my wife notified them of the issue. The attendant came over and asked her to empty the machine so he could look inside. When she pulled out the clothes, there was a small amount of change in the bottom of the basin. The attendant told my wife that the loose change had caused the issue and that we would be responsible for paying for repairs. My wife felt that it was highly unlikely that loose change could cause the issues and told this to the attendant. The attendant became argumentative and threatened to call the police. My wife told the attendant to go ahead and call them because he was being so aggressive and argumentative. Once the police arrived, they told my wife that she was indeed in the wrong and arrested her for money laundering.

I shouldn’t have used the Yule Tide Detergent.

It's laundered money now.

I'll be putting that 20¢ in my rainy day fund.

I told him to put a sock in it.

He was arrested for money laundering.

Especially the Spin Cycle.

Now her clothes don't fit.

Systematic

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

Now it's my stepladder.

Load balancing

I hope I don't get in trouble for money laundering

I am going to take it for a spin later.

It’s money laundering

But today he ran over 5 Miles.