Wal Puns

Because everything is a Target.

I’ll take my ban now.

"They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."

I was coming around a corner and almost bumped my cart into his

Me: Oh I'm sorry, excuse me, sir!

Him: It's okay, I have cart insurance!

We were walking around getting stuff for my step dad's birthday and I ask if we can leave soon because I hate Wal-Mart, and she replies "No I'm not rushin" and automatically I reply "I know, we're scottish."

Context : We're americans with scottish background, if ya couldn't catch on.

QuickEdit: Wording

..it was a ripoff

"Somewhere, a snowman is singing soprano..."

I was walking around Wal-Mart with my girlfriends parents and brother, and her mom and I were talking about certain brands of toilet paper.

Him: Do you know what they call people who are picky about their toilet paper? ... anal!

His wife groaned and walked away, I laughed, high fived him and continued walking and talking with him.

"Hey, Dad I need to run out to the store. Would you like to come with?" "Yeah I could use some things" "Okay does 4:30 work?" "No but it's polishing its applications at least"

Customer: "Do you have any rutabagas?"

Me: "No, we're fresh out."

Customer: "You mean you're stale out..."

She said "I have to get Midol." I asked "What's her name?" "Who?" "Your doll."

Me: 'I know how you feel. I can't go to Wal-Mart without dropping a few bones too'

We've been trying to eat healthier so we got a bunch of fresh produce at the store. I put some squash in the front of the basket where the coupons were and my wife said, "Oh man, you squashed my coupons."

We were in the shaving section, my wife was looking for new razors. My 2 year old boy grabbed one of the combo packs, and I said "Hey! Put that Schick down!" My wife chuckled.

A friend was reading the news story aloud.

Friend: "After shopping, she wandered behind Wal-Mart where authorities found her later." Me: "So...what you're saying is, she shopped til' she dropped?"

Rolled eyes and disgruntled moans were passed all around.

I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said “I think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, “but it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

If he owned Wal-Mart, would it be called Wahl-Mart?

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a bo

I’m gonna cashew!

I bought a case of Natty lights. As she was scanning it she said, "wow this is really heavy" to which I responded "No, they're light. It even says so on the box." I was so proud of myself.

• Kroger

• Wal-Mart

• Lucky's

• Whole Foods

• Winn Dixie

etc, etc

In Wal-mart, looking for my girlfriend, and trying to practice my spanish

I look around and say "donde estan, donde estan, donde estan", kind of thinking about this song I heard years ago.

She goes, what does "donde estan mean?"

I say, well it sort of means "where are you, or where are they? I'm looking for your mom and your sister."

Her reply was "I donde estahnd what your saying"

Joke 1:

My sister was talking with my dad about the show ‘I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ and she went onto ask “how do you accidentally make a person?” And without missing a beat, my father looked her dead in the eye and replied with “I accidentally made three.” With the most serious face I’ve seen in my life.

Joke 2:

My sister, dad, and I were in Wal-Mart one day and in passing the toys, we found those circular beanie baby things with the big eyes. So, my ever impressive father grabs a special edition Chewbacca toy, pretend bites it as though it’s an apple, and says “Huh, this is a... Little Chewy!”

There’s more, considering he’s a Dad, but those two stand out the most to me.

While at WalMart, we were picking up some new bedding, and on the way out, I insisted that we buy a copy of Spaceballs from the DVD bin.

They asked, "Why do you want that?" I replied, "For sheets and giggles."

My dad told me this one this morning: >An old lady's cat got its tail stuck under a door, and it ended up losing it. So she quickly brought the cat to Wal-Mart. Because it's the largest re-tail-er

I was walking through the store and nearly bumped into him so I apologized. His response follows:

"That reminds of the guy that went to Wal-Mart with his dog. He walks inside and starts swinging the dog around over his head. The manager run over screaming, 'Hey buddy what are you doing with that dog? Cut it out!' And the guy says back 'Oh you don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog. I was just taking a look around!'"

Then he walked away cackling to himself.

Dad: Since the Seahawks came out to U2 music they will win.

Me: Wal-Mart had four copies of the Joshua Tree on vinyl. What a waste.

Dad: I'll buy one tomorrow... with or without you.

I work in a medical lab. I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said “I think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, “but it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”