My aunt always put a wad of Copenhagen between her cheek and gun before swimming...

She liked taking a dip.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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The orchestra's performance wad canceled right after the last rehearsal was done.

It was quite disconcerting to everyone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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I just asked my wife for her best dad joke

"You"... followed by a smirk.

Not the response I was expecting but I laughed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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So my wife and I were sleeping...

And we have 2 jerk wad cats that get the zoomies nightly at around 3 am. They started chasing each other upstairs above our bedroom...

My wife: omg is there an elephant upstairs?

Me: shhhhhh....we dont talk about him.

Then I got hit with a pillow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alastrel3000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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I'm a shell of a man

Snail slides into a Tesla dealership after seeing Elon Musk on TV. Inches his way up to a salesperson. Snail asks to go on a test drive, the sales person shrugs, says sure, why not. It's been a slow day.

After it's over, snail is impressed. "I gotta get one of these!

Saleswoman asks if he can afford it. He is, after all, a snail. Snail retreats into his shell comes out with a wad of cash, the exact amount for the car.

"Yeah lady, I can pay! Can I get it customized?"

The woman says of course, but it'll cost more. Snail whips out more dough.

Snail says "Paint it with pink S's all over the vehicle!"

The saleswoman says sure and asks why.

The snail says "When I'm driving around, I want people to say 'WOW! Look at that fast, pink electric S-car go!'"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthwulf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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Queen Elizabeth visited an Edinburgh hospital recently...

She enters a ward full of patients, and notices that they’re all dressed in street clothes and have no obvious sign of injury or illness. The Queen approaches a patient and greets him. The patient replies:

β€œMy heart’s in the Highlands, my heart is not here, My heart’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer.”

The Queen is confused, but smiles and moves on to greet the next patient. The patient responds:

β€œSome hae meat an’ canna eat, And some wad eat tha’ want it, But we hae meat an’ we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit.”

Even more confused, and smiling even more broadly, the Queen moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant:

β€œMy love is like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June; My love is like the melody that’s sweetly played in tune.”

Now very confused, the Queen turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, β€œIs this a psychiatric ward?”

β€œNo, Your Majesty,” replies the doctor. β€œThis is the serious Burns unit.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatboyfat1981
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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Oh, Dad...

I was visiting with my parents tonight. My sister and I sat down to dinner as my mom was finishing up some laundry loads. My dad points to a couple of wet, wadded up dollar bills on the table and with a very serious look on his face asks, "Okay. Which one of you is laundering money? That's a very serious crime, you know."

Told him about /r/dadjokes and that I'd be putting it up here and he cracked up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/applejitters
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
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Dadjoked the g/f about a bug

She hands me a wadded up paper towel and says "Throw this away outside. It's some kind of beetle. I don't know if it's dead or alive." I responded "Awww, couldn't you just 'let it be'?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trendy2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2014
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Guy in front of me pulled a quick one

There's a guy in line talking to a lady who pulled out a big wad of cash. He says, "oh is that for me?" The lady says, "no this is bill money!" He returns with, "well I'm Bill where's my money?" I giggled and went about my day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fucksoccermoms56
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2014
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My co-worker dadjokes me every day. Here's a few of his finer ones.

I started working at a jewelry store two weeks ago. I just turned 24, and one of my new co-workers is about 50 years old and repairs jewelry that customers bring. He is a master of dad jokes.

  1. One day, I was windexing our glass displays.

Him: I recently started getting the urge to take my clothes off and run around all over the place. My buddy told me to try drinking Windex. It prevents streaking.

  1. Another time, it was almost closing time and we were getting bored.

Him: A man was walking his Great Dane and saw a pub. He said, "I'll go have me a drink or two," and tied the dog up outside.

A little while later another man comes in the pub and says, "Sir, is that your Great Dane out there? My dog just killed it."

"What kind of dog do you have?!"

"Chihuahua."

"You're telling me a chihuahua killed my dog?"

"Yea, he got stuck about right here." grabbing his throat

  1. Lastly, we were bored yet again at the end of another day, and he came up to me and another worker and says, "Did one of you lose a big wad of twenty dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?"

We looked at one another confused. "... No."

"Oh, because I had some good news... I found the rubber band." holding up a runner band

I like my new job.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amdawson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
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