My deep-voiced friend surprised me by saying he likes to sing tenor.
"Ten or eleven miles away from anybody else."
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 09 2017
A psychotic criminal stole a train. He said the reason was the voices in the head told him to.
π︎ 98
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
My wife tells me not to listen to the voices that bring me down and make me feel worthless.
She also complains that I never listen to her.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
Got offered a voice-acting role in the new Emoji movie sequel. They want me to play the Poop Emoji. People say I should accept the role and be grateful, but Iβm holding out for a classier part...
...I will not be deterred!!
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
I confronted a mime today.
He did unspeakable things.
Thank you for the awards. You made my day π
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, βDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?β In my best bear voice, I replied...
βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed!"
π︎ 78
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
Strained my voice
The other day i yelled into a colander and i strained my voice.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
What's the drug that changes your voice?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
(*in a late night TV voice*)
Have you been wearing glasses during the pandemic?!? Have you been wearing your mask?!? You may be entitled to condensation.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
All i hear is Bawwy Kwepki's voice
π︎ 47
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
I just changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice...
Now it just says, "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while. "
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
"Okay rookie, the first thing you've got to learn about making pornography for the blind is: Voice Projection."
"That sounds hard."
"Thank you. I'm a professional."
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
What happens when someone with a tiny voice gets angry?
^α΅Κ°α΅ΚΈ ^ΚΈα΅Λ‘Λ‘ ^Κ³α΅α΅Λ‘Λ‘ΚΈ ^Λ‘α΅α΅α΅α΅
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
If you're having voice problems I feel bad for you son,
I've got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jul 12 2020
If a pig loses it's voice...
Is it disgruntled?
I'll leave now...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 11 2020
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donβt.β And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canβt be buried here.β I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
π︎ 87
π
︎ Jul 26 2020
So they are making this movie where Michael J. Fox voice acts for a time traveling chicken.
They call it Bawk to the Future.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 01 2020
Which brand of computer has the best singing voice?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jul 16 2020
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 02 2020
Pirates of yore would get a treasure chest off a looted vessel and often hear voices coming from the chest saying "yoo hoo!"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 30 2020
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice,
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
An owl lost its voice.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
When Dad talks to you in his STERN VOICE is he just speaking...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 07 2020
I quit my job at the helium factory today.
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice!
π︎ 49
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
It's so punny
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Aug 14 2020
In the Disney animated picture, Ratatouille, Remy controls Linguini actions by pulling his hair, giving him a perfect palette. The little chefβs squeak is the only other voice Linguini ever really hears at home.
I guess you could say Remy is Linguiniβs voice of season
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 11 2020
What's a pirates favorite letter?
(in a pirate voice of course) You'd think it'd be 'rrrr' but his true love be the 'c'.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
The moment I realise I lost my voice __________
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 14 2020
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
π︎ 13
π
︎ May 16 2020
ME: *coughing* I'm sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 15 2020
My friend walked up quietly and said, "hi Thomas." Then I heard a whiny voice say "hiii Thommasss." "Did you just make fun of yourself saying hi?" I asked my friend.
"Oh no," he replied. "That's my shoes... I'm wearing mockasins."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 13 2020
50 cent
π︎ 543
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
Pub is a magical place
In a pub will one man start to scream on other man : "hey dude i fucked your Mother"
Whole pub get silent and waits for reaction of the other man, but he is silent
Man screams again : "Hey! I fucked your Mother"
The other man is still in silent...
The man screams again even more loud: " Do you hear me you idiot? I fucked your Mother"
The second man finally answer with calm voice
"Please dad, go home, you are too drunk"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
Pulled off a real-life-one, i guess...
Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.
so here goes...
(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)
daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?
me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?
daughter: elizabeth-gramma.
me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?
(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)
daughter: don't know, who?
me: my mum.
(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
I remember when I made a joke about a kid dying. My dad sat me down on the couch and told me in a serious voice "jokes about kids dying young...
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 23 2020
I asked my wife if she wanted me to use my βsexy Russian voiceβ during sexy time.
I told her she could call meβVladimir Putitinβ.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, βDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?β In my best bear voice, I replied...
βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed!"
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Apr 20 2020
I yelled into a colander...
...and now my voice is strained.
π︎ 354
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donβt.β And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canβt be buried here.β I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jul 28 2019
I yelled at the kids through the colander today,
π︎ 119
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
Which computer has the best voice?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and said, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jun 10 2020
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