What unit of measure do pirates use?
π︎ 345
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
Watt is the unit of power?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
My daughter asked me "What is a unit a power?"
π︎ 47
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︎ Apr 12 2021
My 8 year old sons joke today. Whatβs a girls favorite unit of measurement?
π︎ 94
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︎ Apr 15 2021
What do you call a bee that is from the United States
π︎ 18
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︎ Apr 26 2021
My 8 year old has created a new unit of measument...
She just picked up the squeeze ketchup and said, "I only need one fart of ketchup." She gives the bottle a single squeeze and gets her "one fart."
π︎ 57
π
︎ Mar 23 2021
Was your waist the 16th president of the United States?
...cause those hips donβt lie
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 06 2021
If you can't appreciate this, please furgive me
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
United States of BEE
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 15 2021
Imagine Americans switched from Pound to Kilograms overnight
There would be mass confusion
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
What do you say to The President Of The United States when he leaves abruptly?
π︎ 12
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︎ Mar 29 2021
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
I went to a supermarket in the United Arab Emirates, but all the shelves were empty.
There was literally nothing Dubai.
π︎ 57
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
What's the opposite of Manchester United?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
I told my kid we were gonna watch Paw Patrol, but instead I just showed him footage of K9 units training.
Guess that makes me a papa troll.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 01 2021
Now that Donald Trump is no longer President, the United States is experiencing post-nut clarity.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
What would happen if America switched from using pounds to kilograms as a unit a measure?
π︎ 27
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︎ Jan 16 2021
How does United Airlines treat their passengers?
π︎ 57
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︎ Nov 23 2020
Donald Trump is currently organizing pigeons against the united states government.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 10 2021
I have an ant infestation in my fridge and air-conditioning units!
π︎ 16
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︎ Jan 16 2021
For my birthday in mid-January, I invited a few friends over to a highly populated urban residential area consisting mostly of closely packed, decrepit housing units inhabited primarily by impoverished persons.
It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
My AC unit is quacking...
I think it's the air ducts
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
Ahh yes... Frants
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
There's a department of the United Nations which tries to improve the quality of food in restaurants.
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 05 2020
Today is PI day, which always makes me hungry for pie
Now a slice of pie in the United States will set you back $5
But in the Bahamas and Aruba you can buy that same slice of pie for just $1
Yep. Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
Itβs the lighter fluid
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
Dude 1: βHey bro?β Dude 2: βYeah bro?β Dude 1: βCan you hand me that pamphlet?β
π︎ 16k
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︎ Sep 25 2020
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
The United States Postal Service got jokes
π︎ 18
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︎ Aug 10 2020
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
My cousin died when an A/C unit fell on him.
π︎ 19
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︎ Aug 08 2020
A man went to the doctorβs and told him, βI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.β
He said, βWow, thatβs the worst case of parking sonβs disease Iβve ever seen.β
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
What comes after the USA?
π︎ 48
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Why do they always use thieves as the high speed units in RPGs?
Because they're so dodgy.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
What unit of measurement do you use to weigh your linens?
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 30 2020
Currently in the process of uniting a kingdom
π︎ 13
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︎ May 15 2020
I tried to trademark an unit for pressure...
But the patent office wouldnβt have a bar of it
π︎ 8
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︎ Aug 20 2020
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
π︎ 902
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︎ Oct 31 2020
|unit|
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 19 2021
What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?
There would be mass confusion
π︎ 944
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
Whatβs a monkβs favorite unit of measurement?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
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