Chunking Puns

He asked the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.

Hard core park ore

The man says "One whiskey for me and one for the road"

I almost artichoked.

Police say he topped himself.

To make America grate again!

I dyed a little on the inside...then I blue chunks

While chopping a jalapeño, I cut off the top and pulled out the seeds and said, "Look, dear - a hollowpeño!" She was amused!

She was a bit less amused when I cut off a chunk and said, "It was all-apeño, now it's half-apeño."

I had to run a couple of errands between then and now, so my memory might be a bit fuzzy, but I'll do best.

Friend 1: "Sarah"

Friend 2: "Shawn"

Future dad: "Sam"

Sarah: There is no good way to eat a taco. (There is a dismembered taco sitting on her plate.)

Shawn: I know, right? It's seriously the worst-designed food, like, ever.

Sarah: Back in [hometown], there's this restaurant that sells authentic Mexican tacos. There's no grease or anything, just chunks of chicken with guacamole and salsa and a bit of cheese on top, and it's SO GOOD. I really shouldn't even talk about them, it's just making me homesick.

Sam: You mean you shouldn't taco 'bout them?

We're watching the episode of The Walking Dead where the characters dress up in zombie guts and chunks to blend in with the zombies.

My sister goes "it must take a lot of guts to do that!"

Walking through the house when all of the sudden, sharp pain in my heel. It felt like I just stepped on a Lego but it turned out to be a large chunk of glass stuck in my foot.

Me: Who broke something?!

Dad: Oh thanks for picking that up.

All: groans

I work at a "field house" before home football games, serving beer n' what not, and a large chunk of what I make is off of tips that come in envelopes. As I pick my envelope of tips up I hear a jingle of coins inside of the envelope. Dramatically I stop and stare at my boss,

"Everything okay?" - boss

"Yeah everything is fine, I just didn't expect this much change in my life."

The surrounding co-workers groaned at the joke, but as I am leaving a lone drunkard walks up to me, gives me a high five, and congratulates me on fatherhood.

He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."

To make America grate again