Anthems unite weaver ants
What is the name of the art movement popularized in 1920's Germany by dogs who sought to unite art and industrial design alongside artists such as Kandinsky and Paul Klee?
Procrastinators Unite Tommorrow, Dyslexics Untie Today, Time Travelers...
Now that Donald Trump is no longer President, the United States is experiencing post-nut clarity.
What would happen if America switched from using pounds to kilograms as a unit a measure?
I have an ant infestation in my fridge and air-conditioning units!
How does United Airlines treat their passengers?
For my birthday in mid-January, I invited a few friends over to a highly populated urban residential area consisting mostly of closely packed, decrepit housing units inhabited primarily by impoverished persons.
It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!
What’s a monk’s favorite unit of measurement?
My AC unit is quacking...
I think it's the air ducts
What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?
There's a department of the United Nations which tries to improve the quality of food in restaurants.
Lancelot: Men, this is a project where we all need to work together.
Arthur: Unite?
Lancelot: Yes I am.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
What comes after the USA?
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
A literal joke from my dad
My little brother, a neighbor that is hawaiian, and a little black girl play outside together right? among my family we know them as the United Nations
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
The United States Postal Service got jokes
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
What unit of measurement do you use to weigh your linens?
My cousin died when an A/C unit fell on him.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
Why do they always use thieves as the high speed units in RPGs?
Because they're so dodgy.
Do you know why the French eat just one egg for breakfast?
Because in France, one egg is Un ouef.
My procrastinators club has a motto…
Well we will, once we get around to having our first meeting
I tried to trademark an unit for pressure...
But the patent office wouldn’t have a bar of it
WARNING FOR EVERYONE WHO WANTS THE KFC GAME CONSOLE
Avoid getting a console on launch day. Multiple units had to be recalled due to the circuit boards being "fried".
Currently in the process of uniting a kingdom
what do you call a detective electrician?
My kids were watching a show about identical twins re-united after being separated at birth, and in disbelief that they were wearing matching outfits when they met up.
I said, well, they do have the same genes.
News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...
To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.
After a heated argument, my kid shouted “Jim Morrison was overrated”
Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?
I had my cornfield all set up to sell in 2 acre units when my realtor suddenly brought me plans for acre units.
He was plotting against me!
What do you call a country of lazy people?
What did 50cent say to his grandma after she made him a sweater?
Watt is the unit of power
Punctuate the title however you like.
What's the difference between the United States and United Kingdom
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
I find it so sad that the US uses another unit other than °C or K for measuring temperature.
What is the angriest nut?
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