Two Irishmen are sitting outside and a truck carrying turf drives past.

β€œI’d like to be that rich one day”. Says Billy.

β€œWhat, buy new turf?” Asks Shamus.

β€œNo, send my grass away to be mowed”. Replies Billy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HorrorANDComedy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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What happened when two herds of evenly-matched cows got into a turf war?

There was mootual destruction

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MBonez12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Got a job at a turf farm. After the first day. I thought to myself.

β€œThis is sodly satisfying..”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoshForce
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.

He had no idea he had started a turf war.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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I didn’t like this artificial turf when we laid it

But it’s growing on me now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/magicrichy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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A football player told me to get off his turf

I was confused becuase I could’ve sworn I was on grass

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πŸ‘€︎ u/knightlylizard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
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What is Gargamel's favorite kind of burrito?

Smurf and Turf.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/overkillsd
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...

Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SixPhalaris
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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What do you call a peasant and their fief?

surf and turf

BONUS: What do you call a sick roman emperor?

...

Julius Sneezer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/artsykittii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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If Gargamel serves steak along with his favorite meal...

he'll be having "Smurf and Turf".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DadWagonDriver
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2016
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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What terrain do men play football on in space?

AstroTurf

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leemo15
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2015
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