Are you kidding with me? You can’t honestly be this bad at tug of wars.

You’re pulling my leg.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RichNCrispy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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I lost the tug of war competition

All held broke loose

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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What do you get when you play tug of war with a pig?

Pulled pork.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/khanglikestowin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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What do you call 50 pigs playing tug of War?

Pulled pork!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viking2fi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
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My daughter asked how old she will be next month.

My daughter woke me around 11:50pm last night. My wife and I picked her up from her friend Sally’s birthday party, brought her home and put her to bed. My wife went to the bedroom to read and I fell asleep watching basketball.

β€œDaddy”, she whispered tugging my shirt.

β€œGuess how old I’ll be next month?”

β€œI don’t know, honey.” I said as I slipped on my glasses. β€œHow old?”

She smiled and held up 4 fingers.

It’s now 7:30am. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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What did the old, ripped rope say to the young strong rope when asked if it can still be used to tug a boat?

I’m a frayed knot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingofthepassel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingJiggaMan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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I'll will be asking on these guys to tug me out of trouble (x-post: r/funny)
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwiftKid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2014
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My marraige has had a lot of tension recently, because my wife loves to play tug-of war

and so do I

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πŸ‘€︎ u/howarddog
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2015
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Quote from Tug McGraw, baseball hall-of-famer and father of country singer Tim McGraw

A reporter once asked Tug if he preferred playing on grass or Astroturf

Tug's response: "I don't know, I've never smoked Astroturf"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/za1reeka
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2015
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At your cervix!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thewargingned
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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This is a hard one...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
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Poor boat
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IINightMasterII
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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A bearded man applied to a position that required him to be clean shaven.

At the job interview, the manager of the company greeted the applicant and upon noticing his facial hair, promptly asked the man how attached he was to the beard.

The man, tugging on his facial hair, replied β€œvery.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AKAPolock
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
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Trying to wake my son up a little early...

We are trying to get up a little earlier so our mornings aren't so stressed. My son was not waking up no matter how many times I poked and tugged at him.

I said "Come on son time to get up." He kind of stirred, I continued, "Remember we said we were going to start waking up a little earlier so we are not "rushin" in the morning?"

He rolled over and said "Nyet!" then went back to sleep.

** thanks for the up votes! Edited out the "g" from rushing, and added bold and italics to make it easier!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigertunderboom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2016
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So theres this family at ColdStone...

Mom starts playing showing off her arms to oldest son (I assume) says "you wish you had these muscles". Kid then proceeds to show of abs apparently.

Mom: that's impressive.

Dad: "you think that's impressive..?" tugs at his shorts

Family: 😐

Needless to say the whole place seem to fill with laughter at the expense of this poor boy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimmy4SGF
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
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The biggest source of tension in my marriage...

is that me and my wife both enjoy tug-of-war

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/howarddog
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2016
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Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?

A: Tug-of-whore

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nancyford
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2016
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What do you call pigs playing tug o’ war?

Pulled Pork

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bill-M-Buttlicker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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What do you get when you play tug of war with a pig?
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/expta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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