A ball is flying towards me
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
I was stood in a field the other day wondering why the frisbee coming towards me was getting bigger
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
This is another step towards greatness
π︎ 97
π
︎ Jul 09 2020
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Sep 28 2020
Why did the chess player worried towards the end of his meal in a restaurant?
Because the waiter said, "CHECK?"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: βUgh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.β
βThat was pepper spray.β
Got me!
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
My friend has a strong prejudice towards people who have no feet...
I think heβs lack-toes intolerant.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
Hurricane Marco is headed towards land
Hurricane polo is nowhere in sight
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
My mom told me the first step towards recovery is admitting your fault
So I asked if thatβs why people are admitted to the hospital
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 07 2020
Lately, Iβve grown increasingly apathetic towards eating vegetables
Some days, I just donβt carrot all
π︎ 23
π
︎ May 24 2020
I put a new shelf towards the top of my fridge
The steaks have never been higher
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like sheβs preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
π︎ 27
π
︎ May 13 2020
I don't understand all this hate towards non traditional number systems
I for 1, love Roman numerals.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Mar 31 2020
Fog
Found this on Twitter:
My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says βWhat do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?β. My pal thinks βbetter humour himβ so says β We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow laneβ. Cop says βNo Sir, I said βWhat do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
I saw a cyclist riding close to a steep cliff. He hit some gravel and veered away from the road toward the precipice. At the last minute he saved himself by jumping from his bike.
For a moment, I thought he was gone with the Schwinn.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 04 2020
My grandma is very cheap .
When she dies, she'll probably walk towards the light and turn it off.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
π︎ 66
π
︎ Dec 15 2019
Has anyone heard about the new feature on computers to pander toward the newer generation?
It's called Ctrl-ALT-YEET.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 05 2020
I saw this odd guy walking towards the cemetery with a shovel...
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 04 2020
What do you call bigotry toward toeless people?
π︎ 27
π
︎ Dec 28 2019
Dad, is that a buffalo running right towards us?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 30 2019
As I stared at the hot water flowing towards my shower drain I realized something.
It's all downhill from here.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
A woman gets on the bus..
A woman gets on the bus with her baby, and the driver says:
"Jesus wept lass, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
Understandably, she's very upset. But she goes and sits down toward the back next to a nice old lady.
The old lady next to her leans in as she sits down, she heard the whole thing, and she says to her:
"I wouldn't take that if I were you petal...
If I were you, I'd go back up there and rip him a new one!...
Go on love...
... I'll hold your monkey"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
Ever since I lost my toes in a climbing accident, my best friend has been acting hostile towards me...
I guess he is lack-toes intolerant
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 29 2019
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 03 2019
A joke I came up with when I was waking up this morning.
Two guys were walking down the street towards one another, the second guy bumps into the first guy and the first guy goes "Ayee, watch it. I'm Walken 'ere" and the second guy goes "oh, sorry Christopher"
π︎ 22
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
I wrote a book about Nemo and his rage towards plastic. It's calledβ¦
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 04 2019
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he broke down into tears.
He turned towards me and said, "One would've been enough, son."
π︎ 929
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
Bumpβ¦
Bumpβ¦
Bumpβ¦
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
Bumpβ¦
Bumpβ¦
BUMPβ¦
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.
Fasterβ¦
Fasterβ¦
FASTERβ¦
Bumpβ¦
Bumpβ¦
BUMPβ¦
He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!
Andβ¦
The coffin stopsβ¦.
π︎ 42
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
What's the difference between a white penguin and a black penguin?
A white penguin is coming towards you, while a black penguin is walking away from you.
π︎ 37
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 07 2019
My wife and I went on a trip to Cuba to stay at a few different places. By the end of week 2, we were walking barefoot across a beach, nearly dying of thirst and exhausted. We were wondering if we'd make it home, until I spotted a server holding some drinks. We sprinted towards her and drank both.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 23 2019
Why did the horse start walking towards the water?
Because he wanted to be a seahorse.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 11 2019
What's the difference in a duck descending towards land vs a duck descending towards water?
One is going to land on land, but the other won't water on water.
...
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 15 2019
As I was rowing my boat towards the shore, a small black bird stopped me from docking.
Quoth the raven, βNever moor.β
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 25 2019
Steps toward a great joke.
I really have two left feet when it comes to labeling pictures. https://imgur.com/gallery/XCm5FH6
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 26 2019
Towards the end of December, I saw Bobby Fischer and Gary Kasparov in a hotel lobby, both saying they were the better chess player.
That's the best thing about Christmas - chess nuts boasting on an open foyer.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 18 2019
I had just come home from work when my wife ran towards me and tore off her clothes.
At that moment my wife flashed before my eyes.
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 05 2019
I have have managed to save $10 towards a large sack of raisins.
It's in my current account.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 17 2019
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water
π︎ 57
π
︎ Feb 15 2020
Today a man came to my house and asked for a small donation towards a local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water
π︎ 17
π
︎ Apr 28 2020
Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water
π︎ 763
π
︎ Jul 13 2019
Fog
Found this gem on Twitter:
My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says βWhat do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?β. My pal thinks βbetter humour himβ so says β We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow laneβ. Cop says βNo Sir, I said βWhat do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !β
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill.
Looks like she is preparing some kind of barbie queue.
π︎ 167
π
︎ Jan 15 2019
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
π︎ 637
π
︎ Apr 01 2017
Somebody just knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
So I gave him a glass of water!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 19 2019
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