43 Hilarious Speedful Puns - Punstoppable 🛑

I would choose Speed post ..

👍︎ 17

💬︎

👤︎ u/WetSoggyTaco

📅︎ Jun 09 2021

🚨︎ report

I have a big free of speed bumps

I’m slowly getting over it

👍︎ 6

💬︎

👤︎ u/Confident-Garbage235

📅︎ May 25 2021

🚨︎ report

The FAA has issued new guidelines on speed for airplanes to dock and passengers to board the plane.

The speeds for both are now known as "terminal velocity".

👍︎ 3

💬︎

👤︎ u/cinnamonprogrammer

📅︎ May 11 2021

🚨︎ report

Did you know the film “Speed” had no director?

If it had direction, it would be called “Velocity”.

👍︎ 2k

💬︎

👤︎ u/Divine_ICBM

📅︎ Dec 14 2020

🚨︎ report

How do potatoes measure their speed?

The spudometer, of course.

👍︎ 32

💬︎

👤︎ u/Isntitabouttime69

📅︎ Apr 10 2021

🚨︎ report

What do call a Grandma on speed dial?

InstaGram

👍︎ 59

💬︎

👤︎ u/Adragontype

📅︎ Feb 26 2021

🚨︎ report

What do you say to a yak when you want it to speed up?

Yakcellerate! (My 5 year old made this up)

👍︎ 16

💬︎

👤︎ u/botanysteve

📅︎ Mar 20 2021

🚨︎ report

My buddy called and asked me to meet him at the record shop in 45...

I made it in 33, which is record speed.

👍︎ 96

💬︎

👤︎ u/DiosMioMan2

📅︎ Jun 09 2021

🚨︎ report

I've decided to seek help for my irrational fear of speed humps...

I'm slowly getting over it.

👍︎ 9

💬︎

👤︎ u/VERBERD

📅︎ Mar 16 2021

🚨︎ report

I've had it with speed limits...

I'm putting my foot down.

👍︎ 8

💬︎

👤︎ u/VERBERD

📅︎ Mar 17 2021

🚨︎ report

When I first started learning how to drive, I used to be afraid of speed bumps.

But slowly, I got over it.

👍︎ 16

💬︎

👤︎ u/Sodrohu

📅︎ Jan 26 2021

🚨︎ report

Three guys: Shutup, Manners and Poop are speeding down a road

They crash and Poop falls out. Shutup runs to the nearby police station asking for help. A policeman asks “What’s your name?” “Shutup” “Excuse me? Where are your manners?” the policeman replies “Out on the road scraping up Poop!”

👍︎ 6

💬︎

👤︎ u/BirdieA

📅︎ Mar 04 2021

🚨︎ report

What do sprinters eat before they run?

Nothing, they fast.

👍︎ 230

💬︎

👤︎ u/tatteredinternalsail

📅︎ May 24 2021

🚨︎ report

Last time I flew my plane a Navy pilot checked his speed right after me. Ground said he was doing 761 mph.

Knot gonna lie I think he was mach-ing me.

👍︎ 5

💬︎

👤︎ u/MahlonMurder

📅︎ Mar 02 2021

🚨︎ report

I am speed

👍︎ 6k

💬︎

👤︎ u/Dj_Chetty

📅︎ Apr 28 2020

🚨︎ report

I don’t know how I feel about internet speeds

It has its Ups and its Downs

👍︎ 10

💬︎

👤︎ u/Anchorboiii

📅︎ Dec 29 2020

🚨︎ report

Why did the bicycle insist on taking a break?

Because it was two tired

👍︎ 13

💬︎

👤︎ u/PoogeMuffin

📅︎ May 27 2021

🚨︎ report

A state trooper pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway

Glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting

The trooper crank down his window and yelled to the driver “pull over”

“No!” yelled the woman “it’s a cardigan”

👍︎ 5

💬︎

👤︎ u/crazyfortaco

📅︎ Dec 16 2020

🚨︎ report

I taught my kid to speed read today. He read Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone in 3 hours!

I know its only 6 words.. but its a start!

👍︎ 68

💬︎

👤︎ u/joshua_you-ng

📅︎ Sep 22 2020

🚨︎ report

Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating

or just mething around?

👍︎ 8k

💬︎

👤︎ u/skol_vkings

📅︎ Nov 25 2019

🚨︎ report

What kind of room do speed racers stay in?

...Vroom vroom.

👍︎ 6

💬︎

👤︎ u/eijensama

📅︎ Oct 19 2020

🚨︎ report

Physics: Why can’t Catholics travel at light speed?

Because they have mass.

👍︎ 51

💬︎

👤︎ u/cyclopropagative

📅︎ Aug 20 2020

🚨︎ report

They want to reboot Speed with One Direction

It's called Velocity.

👍︎ 10

💬︎

👤︎ u/risanthy

📅︎ Nov 01 2020

🚨︎ report

How do you measure the speed of joy?...

In smiles per hour!

👍︎ 4

💬︎

👤︎ u/throwaway2032015

📅︎ Nov 08 2020

🚨︎ report

What type of person speeds up vaccine development?

A Russia

👍︎ 5

💬︎

👤︎ u/acschwar

📅︎ Aug 12 2020

🚨︎ report

I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!

UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🤩

👍︎ 17k

💬︎

👤︎ u/Whoopass_voice

📅︎ Nov 12 2020

🚨︎ report

I hate it whenever I hit a speed bump...

... but I’ll get over it.

👍︎ 28

💬︎

👤︎ u/cosanostra97

📅︎ Sep 18 2020

🚨︎ report

Why do they always use thieves as the high speed units in RPGs?

Because they're so dodgy.

👍︎ 20

💬︎

👤︎ u/MrSquigles

📅︎ Aug 06 2020

🚨︎ report

I participated in racing and came first

I 1 O'clock

>!(won a clock)!<

👍︎ 3

💬︎

👤︎ u/Esmeralda_i

📅︎ Apr 30 2021

🚨︎ report

While driving the car, an ambulance passed us at high speed, sirens blaring.

I said to my wife:

"Can't see them selling much ice cream at this speed."

👍︎ 3

💬︎

👤︎ u/Assfrontation

📅︎ Sep 08 2020

🚨︎ report

What did the hulk say during speed dating

In hulk voice: "hulk tired of just smashing, hulk want meaningful relationship

👍︎ 8

💬︎

👤︎ u/tjeters

📅︎ Jul 12 2020

🚨︎ report

What happened to the scientist when he broke the speed of light?

He was sent to prism.

👍︎ 3

💬︎

👤︎ u/ima420r

📅︎ Jun 09 2020

🚨︎ report

The driver got pulled over for speeding

I guess he was driving uber fast

👍︎ 2

💬︎

👤︎ u/Slymood

📅︎ Sep 03 2020

🚨︎ report

I have a fear of speed bumps

I’m slowly getting over it

👍︎ 85

💬︎

👤︎ u/smart-username-here

📅︎ Apr 20 2021

🚨︎ report

I have a fear of speed bumps

But I'm slowly getting over it.

👍︎ 38

💬︎

👤︎ u/Just_Bee_Pawsitive

📅︎ Mar 08 2021

🚨︎ report

I used to be scared of speed bumps.

I’m slowly getting over it

👍︎ 211

💬︎

👤︎ u/weiderman316

📅︎ Jan 06 2021

🚨︎ report

I put my grandma on speed dial

I call that Instagran

👍︎ 9

💬︎

👤︎ u/thisDiff

📅︎ Mar 03 2021

🚨︎ report

I have a phobia of speed bumps

But I’m slowly getting over it

👍︎ 22

💬︎

👤︎ u/chicomagnifico

📅︎ Jan 08 2021

🚨︎ report

I have a fear of speed bumps.

I’m slowly getting over it.

👍︎ 156

💬︎

👤︎ u/muisicaldork

📅︎ Sep 23 2020

🚨︎ report

I have a speed bump phobia

But I am slowly getting over it.

👍︎ 86

💬︎

👤︎ u/Bruinsfan011

📅︎ Jun 29 2020

🚨︎ report

I have a fear of speed bumps,

But I'm slowly getting over it.

👍︎ 12

💬︎

👤︎ u/OfCuriousWorkmanship

📅︎ Sep 16 2020

🚨︎ report

I have a fear of speed bumps....

but I’m slowly getting over it.

👍︎ 53

💬︎

👤︎ u/JCraay

📅︎ Sep 10 2020

🚨︎ report

I have a fear of speed bumps

But I’m slowly getting over it

👍︎ 20

💬︎

👤︎ u/biscuithead85

📅︎ Sep 24 2020

🚨︎ report