Uprighteously Puns

“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”

This is a shit post

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

because its two tired

It needs 4 feet.

... they're just two tired!

...I told him I was giving her an upright organ

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

My issue is that I rushed the “i” and the “t” and the bottoms are uneven so they won’t stay upright

I can’t stand it

I hope i'm posting in the right place, I just felt I had to share this.

Just a couple of minutes ago i was reading something about an abdominal exercise that included the word "perpendicular". I asked my dad ,who was sitting at his computer, what it meant, and without missing a beat he spun around in his chair, looked me dead in the eye and began chanting

"in days of old

when knights where bold

and ladies weren't particular

they stood them up

against a wall

and fucked them perpendicular"

He rotated his chair back towards the computer and mumbled "means "upright".."

Me: "I don't know what to get her." Dad: "Get her a musical instrument." Me: "Uh, a musical instrument? She doesn't play anything. Dad: "Get her an upright organ."

My son was playing his upright bass and there was a rattle coming from it. I suggested he tighten up the peg on the bottom, which fixed the rattle. He told me they should get rid of those pins, because a kid gets stabbed five or six times a year.

I said they should just stop that kid.

The resulting look confirmed it... I'm a dad.

One of my first jobs was at our local grocery store, where I was a cashier. Our store had those misting hoses that periodically would shower the produce items with water, so sometimes things were still wet when customers were checking out. My parents were shopping and of course came to my line to check out. I picked up a bag of vegetables, which happened to be leeks. One of the leeks must have been laying in the produce section perfectly upright because it had about 6 ounces of water in it and when I layed the bag down to type in the code, it all poured out of the bag all over the register. My dad proceeded to scream "we've got a leek!" loud enough that everyone around could hear. Other employees thought we had an actual problem and came rushing to my aid... Not one laugh could be heard..

He asked me to keep the window upright on the ground so he could measure it. He slid the window open, crawled through it and said, "You don't understand the 'pane' I'm going through."

At thanksgiving dinner we were talking about pianos since my parents and my grandparents both have upright pianos. My dad asked what kind of piano my grandparents had and got the response from my granddad "an upright grand. Which means you have a downright shame."

So I work in a hospital, doing tilt table tests (for people that faint). The test sucks for the patients, because it's uncomfortable and makes people feel anxious.

Anyway, my patient earlier was an awesome young lady, who happens to have cerebral palsy, so her legs are different lengths, and her arms draw up and are very rigid. She had the best attitude, and was very charming.

So, while she's standing upright, strapped to the table, she was getting pretty anxious, and uncomfortable, since she keeps sliding to one side since one leg leg is longer than the other...

I thought I'd lighten the mood, so I said: "Well, I guess your mom should have named you Ilene huh"?

The nurse looked at me like I was a COMPLETE asshole... But the patient, she laughed her ass off! It was great. After that point she was a lot less tense, and we were able to finish up.

And no, I wasn't being mean when I said it, because I knew she could take the joke. :D

A few years ago, my dad and I were building an addition onto his house. He rented a tool from the hardware store and had to return it, so he asked me to come with him and we would get some breakfast. There was a Burger King nearby, so we decided to stop there to eat.

When we go to the drive-through, we realize the restaurant was closed down, so he drove around the building to get back on the highway. As we were passing the dumpsters, he stopped the car, backed it up, and pointed towards the ground near the dumpster. I looked for a few seconds, trying to see what he was pointing at.

Then... I saw it.

It was a giant, 12+ inch black dildo, standing upright next to the dumpster. It propped itself up on its fake dildo balls, gently swaying in the breeze.

I was astonished. I couldn't even imagine what events in the universe had to line-up so as to end up with that giant dildo meticulously placed next to the dumpster at a closed-down Burger King. I couldn't even begin to fathom why it was there.

My dad, with perfect timing, then shouted "GAY TIMES WILL BE HAD TONIGHT!" and sped out of the parking lot.

We ended up going to Denny's.

As a father of three, by far my favorite Dad Joke has to be claiming things as my "Dancer Names". I have at least one or two a week.

It's whenever someone says something in conversation which sounds like it could be a Stripper name. Off the top of my head, here are some I've used:

"Yummy Cupcakes", "Pansy Taboo", "Stamen Fuzz", "Dark Almond", "Squeeze Bacon", "Bolt Upright"

I'll often follow it up with a hint as to what that show may just be like.

Guy on television: "The bee is now covered in stamin fuzz..."

Me: "'Stamen Fuzz' is my dancer name. Quite a show; not for the allergic."

We were having breakfast and after stirring his coffee he kept the spoon in his mug so it was leaning on the rim. Then he says "This coffee must not be very strong, it can't even hold the spoon upright!"

A man is walking home alone one foggy evening, when behind him he faintly hears:

thump...

thump...

thump...

Senses tingling, he begins walking faster only to look back and make out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, and with the lid of the casket clacking on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH! the casket breaks down the door. Thumping and clapping towards him, the man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws it at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

When behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him

A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...

The coffin stops.