Noble gases have no reaction.
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
I said, “But wait, I can change!”
He said "Nope, just counting the seats".
Stop pretending.
So he yelled, "Hey - ya new tent has come I bet!" as he ran to the door
It's a running gag
When I woke up I realized that there was a bounty on my head
She's a real night towel
I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
He's totally a sucker.
Chalkolate
“That’s just spam.”
You stop pretending.
I’m tired of his mine games.
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
The kid: "Me? How?"
He was sick of me horsing around
He answered me neigh
My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.
He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.
And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.
My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.
A purrson
"First we take the tortilla and lay it out. Then we add the sliced meat, and veggies, dressing it with the red sauce by Franks. Add the cheese and fold it in on itself".....
"Ok, that's a Wrap"
But I can't stop now! I'm on a roll!
I had to put my foot down.
It's a cherished air-loom in my family.
- Pretending to pick fleas out of my kids hair and then eating them.
- Waving back at people who clearly aren't waving at me.
- Intentionally missing a high five.
- Pressing the car horn when I'm in the passenger seat and the teenager is driving slowly past other people.
- Answering "Yes dear" in a falsetto voice when one of the kids yells for mum.
What else have you got?
Pika-BOO!
All this time you were pretending? So much for my happy ending.
But the truth is, I can't stand it.
A college athlete.
Called her a hootin' nanny
Happy Father's Day!
Me: Yes. I don’t love Love Actually actually.
Noble gases should have no reaction
Noble gases should have no reaction.
Stop pretending.
She asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
In my best bear voice, I replied, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
