I was out on a safari when i saw this big, fat, grey animal limping painfully toward a muddy pond. I asked the tour guide if it was injured...

He said, "No, it's just a hip-hurt-potamus"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pthelynese
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.

While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.

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πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What happened to Guns 'n Roses' tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up for repair?

Its axle rose.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poobutt42069
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I took a group tour of a milk factory ...

While inside, I took a deep breath and said, "Ahh, nice dairy air!"

The woman next to me strongly disagreed. She didn't have to smack me though ...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kyle1775
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I went on a tour of an underwear factory once.

It wasn't very long so my time there was brief.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zafpedx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Our captain is a terrible tour guide

He’s always telling people to come on bored

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πŸ‘€︎ u/saucyminnow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Who is the official tour guide for the Vatican?

Cardinal Directions

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamesNBooks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Post Malone has canceled his tour.

Does this now make him Postpone Malone?

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConsumerOfAllToes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Stairwell Tour
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/morpheus_dreams
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to plan a tour of the worlds oldest library

Unfortunately it was fully booked

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the quickest stage of the Tour de France

No time Toulouse

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisispeculiar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
While taking a tour of a college campus, the tour guide mentioned that the school was surrounded by three different cemeteries.

Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?

Me: What?? Why not?

Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lind-zayy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Post Malone just suspended his tour

Guess that makes him postponed Malone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mmoraxx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I was taking my children on a tour of the largest territory in Canada, but they kept acting up so I turned around and went home.

My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doogasa34
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I invited my guests to take a tour of my house

They asked me, "What's upstairs?" I replied," Unfortunately, stairs don't talk."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anay28
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to cancel a boat tour of a Norway cliff-wall sea inlet.

I couldn't afjord it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadMoor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard Gwen Stephani is taking over for BlackStreet on their next Tour

.........Yup It's No Diggity. Instead No doubt.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mutatst
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Resurrection tour

I just read that Mariah Carey has been has been selected to play with Johnny Cash on his Resurrection Tour. There won't be an opening act, so it'll be only Cash n Carey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chichm
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...

Tour guide said β€œHello, my name is Eileen.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MobileBrowns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
The bands Kansas and Toto should tour together

It’s gonna be the β€œwhirlwind tour”

I’ll see myself out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBungles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Ghost tour
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ericopolis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
College Tour Dad Joke

Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building.

A mom asked β€œIs this Nursing school harder to get into than others?”

Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying β€œNah, the door’s not that heavy”

Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blacksplosiveness
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My son got me while playing Mario Kart Tour....

I've been doing horrible in the current tour so I told him:

"I'm going to lose a few tiers after this tour"

Son - "You don't have to cry about it"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently did a tour of South Korea that included every city except the capital.

While I enjoyed it, I felt the trip had no Seoul.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TD_KingJason
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I hear the Knack is getting back together for a tour of the US!

Can't wait to hear My Corona played again!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I took a tour of a jigsaw making factory.

The entire process was quite puzzling.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?

-Because they have so many legs!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LewisSpaceBun
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I was kicked out of the Police HQ tour when I asked to buy some merchandise

I just wanted some swat stickers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ferny77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about Elton John’s new comedy tour?

It’s a little bit funny...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kelvintlmactae
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I was on a tour of the mint, and at first, I was very confused.

But as the guide explained, it started making cents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alliedcola
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The tour guide says...

...Thank you for visiting the two-wheeled, self-balancing personal transporter museum today; I hope you had a good time. Speaking of good times, check out the food court and gift shop before you leave.

Me: That's a Segway

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dlveazie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Making a list of places I want to see during my tour of Bohemia and Moravia

It's my Czech-list

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harrytheb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Rock Star Adam Ant might go on tour again but he ran into a few snags...

He remains adamant though.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
College tour....

It was one of those rare days at college where my friend Gerald and I had gotten out of class and we had nothing to do.

We decided to hop on a college tour just for fun and see what happens. I attempted to ask questions that would help the tour, but Gerald was asking very weird obvious joke questions.

We get to the chapel and Gerald asks β€œyeah, does this chapel have the necessary alter I need to make my many sacrifices?”

And then this dad next to me, living his daddest life, without missing a beat, turns to me and says: β€œThe tuition is the sacrifice, am I right?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stopwatch9120
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I took a tour of a mental institution the other day

It was insane

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PdawgUltimate
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a guided tour of some cliffs today

the persons name was richard

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/endangeredpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What did Vanilla Ice eat during his asian tour?

Rice, rice, baby

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WeeneyTodd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Donald and Melania Trump Invite Hillary and Bill Clinton to a tour of their redecorated white house.

Donald wants to show off how he changed everything since Bill was president. he shows them all the golden oval office and wants to show Hillary his new situation room and leads her out leaving Bill and Melania alone. After a few minutes Donald and Hillary return to find Bill and Melania having sex on his desk. Hillary shouts "Bill how could you!?" Bill turns and says "Let's be honest this isn't the first time that you caught me having sex in the oval office. At least this time it's with the first lady."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unthgod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I went for a tour of a mine the other day

I was in complete ore the whole time

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend went with a tour group to the capital of South Korea and got lost amongst the crowd...

It took a little Seoul searching, but he eventually found his way.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Should I take the damm tour or not?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acadiel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2017
🚨︎ report
The tour group visiting the capital of Italy did not have a specific agenda...

So the could roam Rome!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: Truck hauling pigment collides with tour bus on bridge and both fall into river

Thankfully no lives lost, but everyone dyed

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garbagearmy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I signed up to take a tour of all the shopping centers in my area, but it was really disappointing

Once you've seen one, you've seen the mall.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report

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