In an alternate universe, instead of asking for whatever he touches to be gold, Midas just asked for his jokes to be made extremely hilarious.
Everything was comedy gold.
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students
What card game touches your feelings the most?
Told my dad a joke stolen from AskReddit... Touche, old man
[dad joke] (https://m.imgur.com/p6BewPb)
An alternate world where it's illegal to make or even touch puns. Punsmiths are protesting against this.
There's a pun crying to be made here, but I can't put my finger on it.
I bee-leave I can touch the sky
The water asked the sand if it could touch it ?
The wedding was so touching that
even the cake was in tiers.
Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.
What do you call it when a girl's butt looks hot but is really cold to the touch?
I used to get small shocks every time I touched metal objects, but I don't anymore.
What can you hold without touching it?
Why doesn't Covid touch kids?
The best way to get in touch with your long lost relatives....
....is to win the lottery.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side...
One day, the Earth and the Sea met. The Sea asked the Earth: "Can I touch you?"
The Earth answered: "Shore"
Heart transplant is a really heart touching surgery
A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts whenever I touch my face, knee and elbow." The doctor says,
"You've broken your hand."
Guys, I have been thinking about selling my Theremin.
I haven't touched it in years.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
... and as you can see, they were Wright
I found out today that I like it when experienced men touch me
And then I paid the chiropractor
Why is my stud finder constantly going off even when it isn't touching the wall?
Oh wait... I'm holding it.
Walked past a pallet of nacho cheese at Costco today. Looked my daughter in the eye and said, “Dylan, don’t touch”
A man had a fetish for touching and hearing, one day his friend got mad and slapped and yelled at the man
He ended up coming to his senses
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
Broke ny finger today
On the other hand i am ok
10 years ago I promised to myself not to touch a drop of drink while I'm at work.
I haven't touched a job since.
I saw a guy going around telling people to touch a naked wire he has been carrying with him.
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
Why would everything be different without a sense of touch?
Because we wouldn’t know how to feel
Son: “Daddy why is that ‘do not touch’ sign there?”
Dad: “I dunno son, I can’t quite put my finger on it.”
Got a new tattoo
My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(
When I was 3, I touched an electric socket.
The results were pretty shocking.
What do you call a math problem that you can touch and feel?
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
First time I met a blind person
We all have that on relative who breaks everything they touch. Mine is my...
I saw a sign that said 'do not touch', however there was something weird about the sign....
I couldn't put my finger on it....
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
My wife told me to be more in touch with with my feminine side....
There's something that I don't like about "DO NOT TOUCH" signs.
I just can't put my finger on it.
The wedding vows were so touching...
Even the cake was in tiers.
(Obligatory cake day joke.)
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side
I used to get painful shocks when touching a doorknob...
...but not anymore! I'm ex-static!
My wife asked me to get in touch with my more feminine side
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side
So I crashed the car and didn't talk to her all day for no reason.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side
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