I used to get small shocks every time I touched metal objects, but I don't anymore.
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
When I was 3, I touched an electric socket.
The results were pretty shocking.
I once knew a guy that liked to bask in the sun. He touched my circle of friends but did not enter it...
A man approached me, touched my shirt and asked “is this felt?” To which I responded “no”.
At the circus a midget touched my wife’s boob.
I think someone put him up to it though....
What did Einstein say when his student touched his watch strap
"Don't mess with the fabric of time!"
I just touched an electric plug
When I think about all the boobs I’ve touched over the course of my life....
It’s like a trip down mammary lane
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."
"And he won?" I asked.
"Well, no..." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk!"
I touched an old electricity wire
I'm CURRENTly shocked by how old it is
There are extremely large bodies of water that have never been touched in any way before.
I guess you could call them the virgin seas.
My friend got a paper cut in the chemistry lab and accidentally touched sodium chloride while trying to put on a bandage.
That's like sprinkling salt over your wounds.
My dad just touched my food. I said "don't touch my food I don't know where your hands have been" his response...
They've been on the ends of my arms as long as I can remmember.
An alternate world where it's illegal to make or even touch puns. Punsmiths are protesting against this.
There's a pun crying to be made here, but I can't put my finger on it.
The wife left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta
Now I’m feeling cannelloni
I bee-leave I can touch the sky
The touching in this image is completely nonsexual
Does anyone know any good sword fighting puns ? I'm trying to think of any words that have..
The wedding was so touching that
even the cake was in tiers.
Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.
The water asked the sand if it could touch it ?
I am reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it.
Guys, I have been thinking about selling my Theremin.
I haven't touched it in years.
What can you hold without touching it?
Why doesn't Covid touch kids?
The best way to get in touch with your long lost relatives....
....is to win the lottery.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side...
One day, the Earth and the Sea met. The Sea asked the Earth: "Can I touch you?"
The Earth answered: "Shore"
Heart transplant is a really heart touching surgery
A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts whenever I touch my face, knee and elbow." The doctor says,
"You've broken your hand."
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
... and as you can see, they were Wright
I found out today that I like it when experienced men touch me
And then I paid the chiropractor
Why is my stud finder constantly going off even when it isn't touching the wall?
Oh wait... I'm holding it.
A man had a fetish for touching and hearing, one day his friend got mad and slapped and yelled at the man
He ended up coming to his senses
Walked past a pallet of nacho cheese at Costco today. Looked my daughter in the eye and said, “Dylan, don’t touch”
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
Broke ny finger today
On the other hand i am ok
Which stuff should you not touch in the forest?
10 years ago I promised to myself not to touch a drop of drink while I'm at work.
I haven't touched a job since.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
A man walks into a bar
A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. “Bartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, “there is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, “No no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, “Ruff!” The man carries on the bit, “See bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, “Now boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” “Well here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” “Ruff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, “I won’t ask again sir.” “I have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” “Ruff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, “sorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, “maybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”
I saw a guy going around telling people to touch a naked wire he has been carrying with him.
My wife told me to be more in touch with with my feminine side....
There's something that I don't like about "DO NOT TOUCH" signs.
I just can't put my finger on it.
The wedding vows were so touching...
Even the cake was in tiers.
(Obligatory cake day joke.)
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side
I used to get painful shocks when touching a doorknob...
...but not anymore! I'm ex-static!
My wife asked me to get in touch with my more feminine side
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
