Because it was on Cruise control.
Driving while intoxicated :-)
My blood pressure, weight, cholesterol and lipid levels were all so high doctor told me I'm above 99% of the population in all these metrics.
That would be wheystful.
Because together they thrive.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."
Yes, you've caught me I'm not actually a dad but rather a 16 year old female. This is a mess of a story so please bear with me:)
The other day I went downstairs to take my nighttime meds. When I got to the dining room, I saw my dad sitting at the island and he just looked so... sad. I've NEVER seen him like that before but he just seemed so lost and it broke me to see him like that.
My dad always puts on the tough guy act for whatever reason. I doubt he wanted anyone to see him like that so I pretended not to notice. So, I walked over and started chatting with him. We talked about school and video games for a bit until the conversation went a bit dead. However, I had the lovely idea of telling him some dad jokes because those always cheer me up:)
Here are a few of the jokes I told (yes, I did steal them from here haha):
What did the lawyer wear to court?
A lawsuit
-----------
What do you call a romantic vampire?
A necromancer
-----------
Why didn't 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2Β²
----------
I told more but I don't remember them off the top of my head.
Those jokes did spark conversation and it made me realize how much I missed having chats with my dad.
After about an hour and a half, I unfortunately had to go to bed as I had school in the morning.
However, since then my dad and I have been regularly having chats:)
Iβve got a lot on.
But for those of you who spend a lot of time on this sub, thereβs a movie that came out in the 80s thatβs an hour and a half long dad joke. Itβs called spaceballs, and it happens to be in my top 5 favorite movies. Enjoy!
Police have described the fugitives as being 'on the bun'.
So I work at a bank part time, I usually get a joke or two from here each day and tell it to my boss over MS Teams. We have a chuckle and go about our day. My last day was alright set for tomorrow (Saturday).
Wednesday the top joke was: How does a Mexican cut his pizza? With little caesars.
Apparently that could be seen as racist by the bank management that could potentially see everything written in our chats. So I get pulled into the office and it was all just verbal warning blah blah. I was obviously not my intention to be racist as I am a Christian dad who just loves jokes and eye rolls as you do on this sub.
Fast forward to today, my last Friday in the banking world. I'm on to bigger and better things. By now everyone knows the joke and everyone knows that the manager overreacted. My assistant manager bought some pizza in my honor and didn't think about where she got it from. So of course when she said it out loud in the teller line I started cracking up. 'I got Little Caesars for you.'
A snooker table!
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
We were out the back gardening, heβs lying in a lounger with his top off.
βSon, I thought we were here to work?β
βDad Iβm working hardβ¦.. on my tan!β
Iβve been out dad joked by a 7 year old π€¦ββοΈ
I said, βyouβre lucky β mine is still aliveβ¦β
You gotta give him props for that
"No, but your hat's on crooked."
A large Russian company buys a batch of off-road Mercedes trucks. The deal also includes training of drivers to work with the new equipment. One such Mercedes catches up with an old MAZ truck on the road. At one point the MAZ stopped, then a man with a bucket jumped out of it and scooped some water from a puddle on the road and poured it into the fuel tank. Then he gets in the truck, lights it and sets off. The instructor in the Mercedes, who speaks a little RussiΠ°n, asks the driver:
- What's happening?
"It's out of fuel."
"You keep fuel in puddles along the road?"
- No. This is water.
The German was silent for a few minutes and stated:
- The car in front of us is moving with water!
- No! It's moving with diesel!
The instructor decides to make fun of him and is silent until they reach the base. Excited, he goes there and shares with his colleagues what he saw. It turns out that someone else saw the same thing, but he doesn't know RussiΠ°n and couldn't ask. He returns to his trainee and continues to question. If MAZ is running on diesel, why did the driver add water to the fuel tank? The RussiΠ°n explains to him that the pipe that sucks the diesel is located just a few centimetres above the bottom of the fuel tank. At the moment it stops refuelling, there are another ten litters of diesel in the fuel tank. When water is poured, the level rises, then the diesel, which is lighter, rises from the top and the truck can travel many more kilometres. Amazed by this explanation, the German asks:
"Why don't they put the fuel pipe at the bottom of the tank?"
The RussiΠ°n's in shock answers him:
- But what if there is water in the diesel?
Edit: How a MAZ truck looks like - https://youtu.be/roj5Xf55PDU
...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds
He treks his way up the incline at the bottom, slowly getting steeper as he makes his way upward. He eventually reaches the base of a large rock formation, which is much steeper, and makes his way up and around, through a winding trail running along a narrow ledge.
As he reaches the top, he finds a large, relatively flat area, where another hiker is standing near the edge, admiring the landscape. He walks over and stands next to the man, also taking in the view.
The man says to him, "It sure is a gorgeous view from up here, isn't it? The hike is pretty grueling, and you might wanna turn back a few times, but once you get to the top and look out over the whole desert, completely flat and stretching out as far as the eyes can see, you remember why you decided to climb this mountain."
He turns to the man and says, "It sure is, she's a butte."
It was all Hans on deck!
ABSENTEE A missing golfing accessory
AUTOBIOGRAPHY The carβs logbook
AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage
BOOKCASE Litigation about a novel
BURGLARISE What a crook sees with
CABBAGE The fare you pay to a taxi driver
CAUTERISE Made eye contact with her
COUNTERFEITERS Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
DILATE To live long
ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living
EYEDROPPER A clumsy ophthalmologist
GRANARY Home for old women
HEROES A guy manning the oars in a boat
HUMBUG Singing insect
LEFT BANK What the robber did when his bag was full of money
MISTY How golfers create divots
NONDESCRIPT Italian actors ad-libbing
NITRATES Cheaper then day rates
PARADOX Two physicians
PARASITES What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
PHARMACIST A helper on the farm
POLARISE What penguins see with
POST OPERATIVE A letter deliverer
PRIMATE Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
RECOVERY ROOM A place to do upholstery
RELIEF What trees do in the spring
RUBBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
TERMINAL ILLNESS Getting sick at the airport
SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
URINE Or youβre out
When in the interrogation room, he told my grandfather
"vee haf vays of making you tock!"
The doctor says, "that looks nasty" the woman replies "that's just the tip of the iceberg"
So Pigeon Forge, Tennessee (US), is a HUGE tourist trap. Weβre talking zip lines, roller coasters, Ripleyβs Believe it or Not museum, Ferris wheels, life sized King Kong, etc. Anywhoo, I was driving the family through this insanity when my wife pointed out a building to the kids and said βlook at that one with all the giraffes on top! I wonder what that is!β Without missing a beat I said, βWelcome, to Giraffic Park!β And hummed the theme song while navigating through a left hand turn. I was proud and laughed out loud at my own joke. My 7 year old loved it.
Wild Bill Hickock
I can't believe the heights some people would go to just to earn some money.
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -
... keep reading on reddit β‘So I am known in my group of friends as being the prankster of the group. We are all aerospace engineers and work together, so I have lots of opportunities to booby tap doors, create little explosions, etc. and they can get really annoyed!
This past weekend, we all went on a hiking trip to the Grand Canyon, and on our first night they got me wasted. That night while I was completely passed out, they put a jetpack onto my back that they had rigged to be powered by heaving breathing only.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs βWHATβS GOINβ ON?β
Not a father but thought you might like the joke.
I bought my 5 year son a container of sesame seeds from the shops the other day.
He asked how to get them out of the container.
I smiled and said "son the only way to get them out is to shout OPEN at the top of your lungs."
I told him it was a get Ritz quick scheme...
My wife and I went on a hike today. We ventured out to see a frozen waterfall, but the view from a distance I couldnβt see where the top of the waterfall. The wife went down for a closer look at took some pictures. She showed me them and I blatantly said, I see (icy).
My mum was showing me some pictures of a meal she prepared from a cook book (tuna stuffed peppers for the curious out there).
I asked "what did you eat that with?" and quick as you like, my dad pipes up and says "knife and fork".
You got me dad. Top work!
A guy goes to a famous tv producer and claims he's got a talking dog, and tells the producer that he should put them both on tv.
"Ok," the guy says, "let's hear it."
"Ok Fido, what do you call the top part of a house?"
"ROOF!"
"Good boy! Now tell me Fido, what does sandpaper feel like?"
"RUFF!"
"Well done! One last question: who's the best baseball player of all time?"
"RUTH!"
At this point the man turns to the producer, who kicks him out for wasting his time with an obvious scam.
As the man and his dog are walking down the street dejected, the dog turns to his owner and says, "I shoulda said DiMaggio..."
Absolutely belting.
Here's the background:
Before my wife and I were dating, but after we had officially met, I saw her at my regular pool hall one night. She was wearing some "worn in" jeans with all kinds of holes in the legs. At some point during the night, I approached her.
> Me: "Did you know that your jeans have holes in them?"
> Her: (confused) "Yeah..."
> Me: "Did you know that it's very distracting?"
I then walked away and proceeded to not talk to her at all the rest of the night and just let the idea simmer.
Fast forward 2.5 years >>>
We were married and expecting our first child. When we discovered she was pregnant, I thought it'd be a good idea to get our genomes checked out by 23andme to see if we were carriers of anything.
I was reading the results out to her and started with myself. I was fascinated by how perfectly I was described by the report. Almost every physical aspect was right on the money.
I then started reading her results. And it was a perfect match... for her sister. The results didn't describe my wife at all, but they did almost 100% match her (not a twin) sister. I chuckled to myself and looked at her.
> Me: Do you know what this means?
> Her: What?
> Me: Your genes have holes in them.
I consider this my crowning achievement in both dad jokes and overall pundom. I don't think I'll ever top that one.
Immediately the bartender tells him to get out "We don't serve pieces of string here!"
The piece of string is a bit disappointed, but has an idea. He ruffles his top and returns to the bar.
"I told you to get out. We don't serve pieces of string here!" said the bartender
The string replies "A piece of string ?? I'm a frayed knot!"
So my wife called out, "You wanna hold it down over there!"
It's going to take me a while to top that.
When nearly on the top, scream with a panic voice at the guy infront, "LOOK BRO, THESE FELL OUT OF YOUR SEAT."
A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and Iβm not even sure where I got it from...
Iβve got a lot on.
A pool table.
